Toadsworth's Scheme
by Princess Toady
Summary: Toadsworth lives a peaceful life, surrounded by many friends and co-workers that love him to death. However, when a tragic incident shakes up his routine, the old man decides it is time to make things change, and plots his rise to power... Of course, with only a handful of smart civilians in the Mushroom Kingdom, he should not have that much trouble...
1. A Usual Day in Toadsworth's Life

**Toadsworth's Scheme**

_This fiction is the property of Toady16/Princess Toady. Any reproduction, whether it is partial or complete, is strictly forbidden. Of course, you may find some kind of inspiration in my work (or not), but please, do not steal it from me._

_This story is a parody of The Hunger Games/Battle Royale where people are trapped in an arena and have to kill each other until only one remains. If you enjoy this kind of stories or even write some yourself, please do not take offense to this, its only purpose is to be fun._

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><p>1 : <span>A Usual Day in Toadsworth's Life<span>

Toadsworth's day had began rather uneventfully. As always, the old Toad would almost barf at the smell of his own breath upon climbing down his magnificent brown and purple bed, incrusted with a myriad of expensive gemstones, and frown at the sight of a yellowish stain on his covers and undergarments, which heralded his entrance into senility.

"Well, it's not as bad as usual," he noted with a sincere smile as his nostrils picked up the peculiar scent emitted by his covers. "It's a great progress!"

After that, Toadsworth would throw the stained tissues out of his room, through the window, and watch them make a big splash in the castle's moat, chuckling at the expense of Princess Peach's slaves, who shouted a number of expletives, complaining about their ingrate duties and cursing the old attendant under their breath.

"Ha ha ha!" Toadsworth clapped his hands, water droplets almost reaching his bedroom. "That was fun!"

Today, however, Toadsworth had hooted with delight after throwing his blanket out of the window, because one of the servants had been in the process of salvaging a sock which had been forgotten there the day before and she screamed, almost drowning under the old man's bed furniture. Later that day, Toadsworth would learn that the poor girl was confined in bed, unable to stand up without having the urge to puke.

Then, after washing himself and dressing up properly, the attendant of Princess Peach would waddle his way to his fair princess' bedroom and bang on it as if there was no tomorrow, hoping to wake her up, to no avail. He would also remarked with stupefaction the dents located on the door, and would make sure to blame one of his assistants for this blunder – the one he liked the least, of course.

"Toadarion didn't bow before me yesterday," the old mushroom had remembered with a chuckle. "Too bad for him."

To be honest, Toadsworth could not care less for the door to Princess Peach's bedroom, the lady had had her fair share of experience with the thing, and after more than five years on tutoring her that not all doors could be opened by pushing them, everyone had given up on her and settled for replacing them as soon as they were destroyed. However, in the interest of saving money, only the door to Peach's room could be closed, the other ones had been dismantled and hidden in a place the fair maiden would never think to check.

Or so he had thought the first twelve times she had demolished the furniture.

Then, the old mushroom would make a slight detour to the pharmacy, check its contents, and make his choice depending on his humor. That day, the attendant was feeling lighthearted and as such, he decided to borrow the laxatives from the pharmacy, promising that he would come back with more – obviously, he always forgot to come back and forced one of Peach's subject to do the dirty job in his stead.

Toadsworth laughed jollily, an impish expression residing on his pampered visage. "With that, I expect some fireworks!" Shaking his head at his own hilariousness, the elder exited the room, neglecting to switch off the light.

Like everyday, he would inche his way slowly in the narrow stairway, making sure to halt the workers' progress as much as he could, feigning a pant or two every two minutes, before entering the kingdom of Tayce T. and spilling the entire bottle of laxatives – and by that, it meant that the bottle and its top really made their way inside – in her cooking pot, which held the food the servitors were going to eat.

"Oh, Tayce, I am impressed!" Toadsworth congratulated her as she blushed furiously. "I did not know you could get any uglier," he chuckled, as she laughed with him.

"Oh, Toadsworth, you're such a charmer..." A pause. "Wait, what?" she asked, realization hitting her. Unfortunately, she could not ask for explanations: Toadsworth had a way to escape as fast as he could from dangerous situations – it was one of the many things he was blessed with.

As nice as it was, the old mushroom could evidently not stay in the vicinity of the explosive cooking, but still needed to use the bathroom before it became too cluttered. Naturally, Toadsworth took a very long time, taking solace in the fact that a Toadette was wiggling uncomfortably in front of the restroom. Curiously, when he came out, she seemed dejected and walked away, her head held low.

"You can use the bathroom!" he called out to her cheerfully, as she ran away crying.

After his usual routine, Toadsworth would eat outside, often picking the most expensive restaurant in town. The mushroom was a man of many tastes, and the owners were accustomed to his arrival in their humble abode. Upon entering the restaurant, which name was 'Phalloïde' – a French name always attracted dumb customers who thought the cuisine would be elaborated and exquisite – the Toad remarked the guest book placed on the side and decided to add an annotation.

Your cuisine sucks ass, smells like shit, looks like Birdo, tastes like vomit and sounds like one of these new artists. Love – Tayce T.

Toadsworth smiled in delight, knowing for sure that his comment would have a positive impact on the quality of the meals that were served. Admittedly, it did not seem well-worded, however, Princess Toadstool's attendant was convinced that, after a sorrowful period of introspection, the cooks would reinvent their cuisine and improve their skills.

Chuckling to himself, Toadsworth made sure to buy the most expensive dishes, thinking that after all he went through during his work, he could be rewarded for his endeavors and unwind, eating good food. "I'll have the Extra Deluxe Menu, with salmon as a starter, Mushroom Delight as the main course, an assortment of cheeses and a stacked cake as a dessert," he demanded, throwing his menu at the purple-pigtailed waitress who was taking his order.

Then, Toadsworth would criticize the food he was given when nobody was around, and send his commentary at a culinary expert anonymously, so as to not be pinpointed as the person responsible for the restaurant's reevaluation. "The staff leaves much to be desired," he whispered as he waved to the waitress who winked at him in response, "one waitress tried to get to me with her charms, but I was not swayed so easily. For an establishment of this rank, I expected better than to have a prostitute serve my dishes," he finished, sounding offended.

At around the time he finished the cheese, he would call one of his friends and invite them over at the restaurant: it was one of his favorite times of the meal as he imagined how disappointed they would be in hearing that he had already departed long ago – without paying his fee – and that the personnel expected his friend to offer a monetary compensation. "Hello Russ T.! Would you like to come over to the Phalloïde so we can discuss whatever happened in our uneventful lives recently?"

Then came the boring part of his day, the part when he would actually have to do something every once in a while. For example, that day, he had been tasked to append his signature at the end of two documents, and he did it without much commitment, annoyed at the fact that he could not live his life freely. "Why don't the plebeians give up already? We will continue to raise the taxes, how else would we be able to host all of these Mario Parties otherwise?"

Often, the old mushroom would sneak to his bedroom and take a prolonged nap, wary of the environmental noise. If it sounded like someone was going to enter his room, he would have to make use of his quick reflexes to jump under his bed and avoid detection, because the other workers were sure to comment on his lazy behavior – which was untrue. Toadsworth was a hard-worker...but his age was slowing him down and he had to rest at times.

Thankfully for the aging counselor, he was authorized to do as he pleased when night came, because he was such a great aide for the princess. As usual, Toadsworth faked a seizure so that bystanders would come to his help and drive him to the nearest hospital, curiously called 'Toadvice Hospital', where he would ditch them and slip by unnoticed by the security (and on the off-chance that people would try to impede his progress, the advisor had a trump card: he would resort to blackmail), before walking at a fast pace in direction of his favorite casino, the 'Chet Rippo', named after the individual, who was a good friend of Toadsworth. "What a good Samaritan, always helping those in needs of new addictions."

Unfortunately for the purple-clad mushroom, Chet was out of town that day, making business with the benevolent gangs of Rogueport, or so people claimed. However, all of that was unknown to Toadsworth who entered the place jollily and took his usual seat.

Then...he was not so sure about what had occurred. He remembered drinking vodka mixed with malt whiskey, several shot at that, each of them containing at least thirty centiliters of that substance, but Toadsworth was no alcoholic. No, he was actually priding himself on being a responsible drinker, he knew when to stop, as well as his limits. And that night, he decided he had reached his limits after he had bludgeoned with a glass bottle a purple crocodile who had cheated at a poker game.

Security soon arrived on the scene and eyed the old man suspiciously, as he gave them a reasonable version of what had happened, "It was him! He hit himself on the head hard, and then handed me the bottle to make it look like I did it!" blubbered the mushroom in a rather convincing act.

"Like we care!" snarled a well-built Kremling, kicking Croco to the side in order to move forward.

"You're rather hard on your kin, aren't you?"

"Look," started the second member of the security, a towering Hammer Bro wearing a nice suit, "we don't give a shit about armed assaults on our clients or whatever."

"But what we don't like, it's guys like you. People who keep comin' and comin' and never pay for their drinks. So either you pay or you get the hell outta here, got it?"

"Why, how dare you threaten me? Don't you know me and your boss go way back then? I could have you fired right this moment!" Toadsworth huffed, taking a swing at the Kremling, but hitting a poor Goomba who had the misfortune of passing by at the time.

"The boss ain't here, so get out!"

"I'm afraid I must refuse!" Toadsworth defied them, standing tall and proud. "You'll have to make me!"

Moments later, Toadsworth dusted his clothes and waved his cane in the casino's direction angrily. "I will remember this affront!" How dare they exclude him from their establishment?

And that was when Toadsworth realized that, no matter how respectful and dignified he was, no matter how hard he tried to please everyone, no matter how kind, gentle and admirable he could be, he would never get the respect he yearned for.

He, Toadsworth, the epitome of wisdom, generosity and selflessness, was constantly mocked and ridiculed by his peers, in spite of the numerous good deeds he accomplished each and every day of his life.

His only way to be respected again was to earn big fat rolls, and soon. And to that end, he would come up with a perfect plan.

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><p><em>It's been a while since Homicidal Party, and I have had this idea for a long time ! Trust me, the introduction has almost nothing to do with the actual plot, haha. Except for the fact that Toadsworth is plotting something...<em>

_But yes, although the style of this chapter differs from the following ones, I hope it still got you to smile a little. ^^_

_Poor Toadsworth needs a break, and he will get it._


	2. And the Morons are

**Moley Koopa** : Yes, it's the story I was talking about. Actually, I think it's under 'projects' in my profile, but under a different name. And don't worry, it might not seem like that at first, but it will definitely be in the same vein as Homicidal Party. Most of the characters retain their previous personalities, like Boo and Peach for example who are basically the main characters of almost every fiction I write (when it's a parody).

**KingBloo** : It's not that different from what really happened. XD I'm glad you like it, hopefully this cast will satisfy you. :p Birdo's cool, but I like to make fun of her too. XD

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><p>2 : <span>And the Morons are...<span>

Toadsworth had spent the entire night thinking of different ways he could come up with in order to change his lifestyle and make people sorry for picking on such a kind soul. He wrote many plans on different sheets of paper that he attached to the walls of his room, drew a plethora of diagrams, each of them very complicated, consulted with people who were seen as experts on their field of domain... He even went as far as to go on the Internet!

But nothing seemed to be profitable enough for our old protagonist – either that or he did not feel like putting the effort into a plan that might not be foolproof. The brown-capped mushroom sighed to himself and proceeded to make his way to the kitchen to follow with his usual routine, when the first thing he saw upon exiting his bedroom suddenly stimulated his neurons.

It was a portrait of the ravishing and fair ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom, Princess Toadstool.

Toadsworth knew he would have the approval of said princess if he were to suggest a plan, because she was lacking in several 'areas. "This dumb broad does whatever I say!" exclaimed her gentle caretaker.

Yes, Peach would be the key to his success. Why would he try hiring a bunch of wannabe teenage mutant ninja turtles to steal the cows of Moo Moo Farm in order to sell their milk and their meat to the poorest denizens of the Mushroom Kingdom for an exorbitant amount of money, going as far as to cut them from the world in case they refused, when he could simply abuse his position as the princess' most trusted subject?

"Thank the stars! I am so grateful for being born a genius," Toadsworth whooped and hollered, smacking a Koopa and making him fall a story-high. "My apologies, I didn't see you here, my boy."

Then, without a care in the world for the battered turtle, Toadsworth went to the princess' room, eager to have her partake in his plan to get richer.

…

Peach looked at Toadsworth with big round eyes, nodding her head from time to time, but only when the situation seemed to be judicious to her, which tended to fail as she sometimes tried to make it look like she was interested in his project when he was asking her direct questions which needed a spoken answer.

"Princess, if I may, you should probably study a little more, don't forget that the fate of the Mushroom Kingdom-" Toadsworth paused, realizing that it was exactly because the princess was dumb that he could take advantage of her. "Nevermind that, shall I repeat for you?"

"Yes Toadsworth, that would be wonderful!" the lady clapped her hands in glee. Or was she trying to catch a fly? The advisor decided he did not care.

"I have come up with a splendid idea of a game, that you and your friends should take part in!" Toadsworth enthused over his plan. "Trust me princess, if you give me the go, you will not be disappointed!"

"Yay!" she cheered dumbly. "So, what's this plan of yours?"

"I am glad you asked, it's only the sixteenth time I'm trying to get it through that tiny head of yours," Toadsworth smiled in contempt, noting that as long as his features remained friendly, the princess would not realize he was rude. "This is a game, which goal is to be the last remaining person alive."

The cogs in the princess' head turned slowly, a pained expression making its way onto her face. In the end, she gave up and Toadsworth proceeded.

"Basically, I want you and your friend to participate in some sort of arena, where you will kill each other for the hefty sum of two hundred thousand coins, coming straight from the citizens' pocket!" the old mushroom chuckled in glee.

"Oh Toadsworth, you always come up with the best ideas," Peach rolled her eyes playfully, grinning from ear to ear. "I'm sure everyone would be delighted to participate in another one of your ideas! Do you remember last time, when you sent us on her cruiser to sail around the world?"

Her interlocutor whistled not so innocently, before sweating bullets, afraid she might remember something detrimental to his case. "Well, hmm, not quite, but it isn't important, now, is it?"

"Of course it is!" the beautiful blonde scolded him, putting her hands on her hips. "You need to see yourself as you truly are, Toadsworth!"

"Have you finally caught on?" he asked fearfully, taking a few steps back.

"Of course I did! I am the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, it wouldn't do if I were dumb, now, would it? Thank goodness Boo isn't the king though, otherwise our people would be in trouble." Toadsworth raised an eyebrow. "Anyway, I remember that time, it was so much fun! Boo kept yelling about you though, something along the lines of 'I'm going to kill that old fart, who does he think he is, sending us to our deaths on this stinky wreck'... It was so cool when we fell into the sea, surrounded by sharks! But I think Birdo scared them with her looks. It was a nice vacation, though it felt like we spent several weeks on a forsaken island..."

"Oh dear, you almost gave me a heart attack!" the counselor chuckled wearily. "So... You will all be sent to an arena where the winner will win a huge amount of money, but you might ask yourself, 'isn't it dangerous?' or even 'what if I die?'"

"No, I don't," Peach shook her head strongly, her eyes closed. Toadsworth used that time frame to glare dagger at her.

"Of course, once the game is over, everyone will be treated to one-up mushrooms," he smiled. "If it's alright with you, your highness, you will have to let me handle the throne while you are away. I trust this arrangement doesn't bother you at all?"

Peach wiggled her eyebrow at Toadsworth for no reason whatsoever – she still had trouble matching her expressions with her feelings. "Not at all! I know I can trust you to take care of everything! But, who is going to be invited?"

"How about your friend, Boo, for starters? I think he would really appreciate to take part in this fine little adventure," the opportunist proposed, seizing the opportunity.

"Oh, I know!" the princess raised her hands in the air, an ominous sign most of the time. At around the same time, someone fell all the way down the staircase, screaming bloody murder. "What a strange bird tune," Peach mused intently, fooling even herself. "How about you choose the contestants? It wouldn't be fun for me if I knew everything beforehand!" The elderly person acquiesced and the princess left her quarters, humming a song to herself.

Toadsworth rubbed his hands together, an evil grin creeping onto his visage. "I couldn't have asked for a better opportunity! Oh, how fun it will be! I can already see myself swimming in a pool full of coins!"

With agility he did not know he possessed, Toadsworth ran back to his room to perform the rest of his morning ritual and chuckled as he threw his mattress out the window, seeing the same Toadette from the day before getting crushed by the furniture. "This gives me another idea!" jubilated the old man, his breath taken away by his sudden scheme. "I should already prepare a sequel to that game show, to earn even more money! Let's hurry, I have no time to waste!"

And for the first time of his life, Toadsworth actually did work that day.

…

The next day, Boo woke in the Boo Mansion of the Forever Forest. He had taken refuge in this remote abode to avoid any more contact with his friends: after the disaster of the S.S. Sucker, which had been christened that way by the ghost himself, Boo wanted nothing more but live a peaceful life in security.

"Slave!" Lady Bow's voice boomed from outside his room. "Did you scrub the toilet as per my instructions?"

Well, at least he was in security...

Boo came out from his bedroom, ready to face the princess of his species. "Yes, I did. Why do I need to do that, again? I thought we were together?"

Lady Bow frowned, biting her nails. "We are...?"

"Yes, we are," Boo looked at her angrily.

"It doesn't matter," Lady Bow waved him off as she adjusted the two ribbons on her head. "I have a letter for you, coming straight from the capital. Apparently, it's from Peach."

"Burn it," Boo responded almost immediately, his survival instincts kicking in. The green Boo shook her head, waggling a teasing finger in front of Boo's face.

"Now, now, it wouldn't be very polite of you to do so. Thankfully, I had foreseen such a reaction coming from you, so I already opened the letter and read it," stated the bossy ghost. "Basically, you are invited to come to Grand Reaping Gala which will happen in two days from now. It doesn't specify what it is, but since I'm curious, you will accompany me."

"What if I don't want to?" Boo questioned her defiantly. Lady Bow approached him slowly.

"You. Will. Not. Refuse. If. You. Want. To. Keep. Living. Here!" each of her words was punctuated by a slap, causing Boo to scream in pain.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! That hurt!" the white floating being yelled in frustration. "Fine, I'll go!"

After saying this and seeing his girlfriend leave, Boo gulped. He knew he was going to regret it.

…

The fateful day had come. Begrudgingly, and also handcuffed to Lady Bow, Boo made his way to the serene capital of the Mushroom Kingdom. It was a peaceful day, birds were chirping mirthfully, pure crystalline water flowed in an endless torrent from the top of a sculpture of a Blooper, located on a fountain in the center of town. The shops were-

"STFU!" yelled a disgraceful abomination wearing a purple cape and a golden crown incrusted with sapphires as she shoved aside unfortunate bystanders. Boo raised an eyebrow at this, but could do little to interrupt her reign of terror as he was dragged by his girlfriend to the supposed meeting point.

There, the two ethereal presences saw a plethora of people, ranging from Toad to Koopa, not to forget Goomba and Yoshi, every creature seemed to have made the appointment.

"The narrator dude's pretty lazy," remarked a clever Toad as he adjusted his glasses. "Why, he only enumerated the most overrated species of the Mushroom Kingdom!" Immediately, little kids ganged up on him and lynched him with pointy rocks.

Boo looked shocked at the scene but the rest of the people seemed to be enjoying the senseless act of violence, Lady Bow included, which caused Boo to frown. Someone cleared their throat in front of a mike which had been positioned on a stage in front of the castle.

"Why, hello my darlings!" Flurrie the wannabe actress and wind spirit greeted with a cheesy grin. "I would like to order three big macs, two big fries, four maxi best off and a sundae. The flavor, you ask? Don't be silly, of course I shall pick the most fattening one: chocolate! I have a figure to keep if you must know. Back in the day I was quite the famous actress, starring in various films such as 'Why is the green bean green?'. Or maybe you prefer 'Bury the Hatchet but Fire the Tomatoes'. I remember this one, it was my first-"

She was suddenly and unceremoniously pushed off the stage by a frowning Toadsworth who made sure to blame it on the wind, even though Flurrie was obviously too fat to be affected by a gust. "Ladies, and gentlemen, citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom and clandestine immigrants that are worked to the bones, I am Toadsworth, our fair princess' adviser and prime consultant."

"Today is finally the day of the Grand Reaping Gala!" Princess Peach, who was by his side, threw her hands in the air. Immediately, a bolt of lightning fried a poor innocent Goomba. Nobody mourned him because he was just a Goomba.

The old mushroom cleared his throat and raised a rather large glass container, in which were located thousands of tiny slips of paper. "We have waited two days to accumulate as many applications as we could, and it's finally time to reveal who our twenty lucky contenders are!" Besides him, the princess was clapping like an idiot.

"Oh look! A flying stegosaurus!" continued the mushroom as he pointed in a random direction in the air. Everyone but Boo looked up, which allowed Toadsworth to switch the first container with another without anyone noticing, as the ghost had his eyes closed in frustration. Peach was so concentrated on her task that she did not look where she placed her feet, successfully falling from the stage as well. However, she bounced back on Flurrie and made it on the floor unscathed.

"Before I start to call the lucky contestants," Toadsworth went on, unfazed by the antics of the princess, "let me remind you of the goal of this game. We will call it 'The Mushroom Coliseum'. Our contenders for the prize of two hundred thousand coins will be sent to an arena, where they will have to kill each other in a friendly display of blood, guts and gore!"

A single mom who had three children under the age of five cheered the loudest, throwing her six-month-old child in the air and unfortunately failing to catch him. She slapped her child for being such a bad majorette baton and was congratulated by the rest of the bystanders for her act.

"Evidently, we shall record their every move, and we won't forget to bring them to life at the end of the show, with the help of one-up mushrooms!" He smiled in a very fake manner. "Let's begin! First and foremost, our lovely princess is joining the fray!" He had taken the slip of paper from his pocket, but the crowd was way too excited to pick up on this detail.

"Yay! I won, I won! Peach is the best!" she exclaimed gleefully, running as fast as she could toward the stage, but one of her high-heels broke and she lost her balance, her head crashing onto the wooden surface.

"Our second contestant is...Luigi!"

"No! I don't want to! You can't make me!" Luigi tried to repel the upcoming guards by slapping them like a sissy, but was easily defeated by a light touch to the shoulder.

"...well, that should be promising. The next candidate will scare off her competition with her horrid looks... It's Birdo!"

"Horrid looks?!" Birdo shouted, infuriated. "I'll have you know that I'm known for being a famous fashionista and that-" She was cut off by boos coming from the crowd.

"Fourth, give it up for the moronic and annoying mushroom head, Toad Phalloïde!"

Toad hollered in glee, making croaking noises in his throat. "I am the best! I'll beat everyone with my speed, power, looks and-"

"Shut the hell up!" an ice fairy located withing the crowd silenced him with efficiency.

"Anyway... Number five is the king of overratedness, the one that everyone always wants to pick in Mario Parties, Mario Kart races and Mario sports events, resulting in many broken friendships and teeth, it's Yoshi!"

As the green dinosaur strutted towards the stage, everyone bowed down to him and kissed his shoes. The smug character stood proudly next to Toadsworth as the rest of the contenders only wanted to wring his neck right there, right now.

"The next two are the most stupid bitches of the whole world, they serve absolutely no purpose in this game and have no chance of winning, even though they clearly think the opposite. I want you to prepare your warm and welcoming rocks for the losers! Lakilulu and Lakilester."

"Ow! Ow!" cried an orange-haired Lakitu. "Stop pelting me with rocks!" she screamed to the crowd, pushing and shoving aside the people that separated her from her moment of glory on stage. She trampled upon a Shy Guy, kicked a Boo, slapped an Amayzee Dayzee, and ultimately punched a Bob-Omb. "You can start applauding now! Really, don't keep it for these losers over here," she stated with much disdain.

Her face was met with the the different appendages of the other players. She was knocked out cold and her boyfriend was thrown on her, not given a chance to make a declaration.

"They all come from the uncivilized world that is Kongo Bongo Island, our next contestants are Donkey Kong, Dixie Kong, and some other one," Toadsworth showed his unbiased side as the three simian figures gathered the attention of the crowd.

Donkey Kong flexed, charming a few spectators that tried to rub his muscular body, under the jealous glare of a bright pink dinosaur. Dixie Kong also received warm applause from the bystanders, mainly because she was everyone's favorite slave. And finally, empty bottles of water filled with ice cubes flew toward the unfortunate Tiny Kong.

"Well, technically, these bottles weren't empty," declared the next picked contestant with a fake air of intelligence about him. "Since they were filled with ice cubes, it means that there was already something inside, which voids the 'empty' adjective. Not only that, but they weren't empty of water since ice is simply frozen water. If you truly want to know, I will elaborate on the matter by reciting a tiny excerpt from this book called 'Ice Sculpture and Temperature'. First of all I would like to state that this small excerpt is only two-hundred-page long, was written by a certain Jojora Teeheena present in the here crowd, at the age of seventeen. I believe it might be in our best interest if we were to take a look at her biography. Jojora Teeheena always wanted to be a gossip reporter, but alas, it was not meant to be. Indeed, her now late parents-"

"SHUT THE FUUUUUCK UP!" Everyone bellowed in his direction. Goombario frowned slightly, his enthusiasm reduced by the tiniest bit.

"That's fairly rude, you know!" he objected, closing his eyes. "Because of you I forgot where I was in my lecture, I fear I must start from the very beginning ag-" His body smashed into the stage, as everyone's favorite hero and benefactor rubbed his hands, satisfied with a job well done.

"It's me, Mario!" the red-clad plumber smiled at the crowd.

Toadsworth chuckled to himself. "Now that that's settled, I would like to call the terrific duo of Wario and Waluigi!"

String bean and fat cow made their way to the stage. Waluigi was ogling Peach's assets when Birdo walked toward him with a flirtatious attitude. The purple-clad individual immediately pushed his partner in crime in the dinosaur's arms. Wario shook his fist in anger, a dark expression on his face as he blocked Birdo's kissing attempts with a garlic clove.

"Let's applaud Flurrie! Wait. No, let's not," Toadsworth corrected himself, putting his hand over his mouth. "Oh my goodness, this is getting incredibly boring, is it not? Daisy the Ginger with Anger Issues can come on stage."

People had to restrain the boisterous tomboy, lest she disfigured the old man in front of the audience. Normally, this would not work for Daisy was the strongest person in the Mushroom Kingdom, but she was engulfed by a sea of bodies and could not fight back.

"Bribing her way into the game, it's Toodles! My rich creditor...hehe..."

The posh lady sashayed her way to the stage, before she was painfully reminded that applying thirty layers of foundation cream did not subtract a few years to her age. "Who's this old hag again?" asked a Doogan in the public.

"I am Toodles, a name that should inspire awe to all of you simpletons. Are you unable to see the grace seeping from my very being? I am of rich background, a fair maiden of young age, successful at everything she does. Why, can't you see this designer dress? It is proof of my achievements."

"Yeah right, your designer dress sucks!" Wendy O' Koopa, another contestant, commented as she made a big hole in it. "Omigosh, what's this saggy fabric here?" she pointed to the front of the dress.

"Why, that would be my irresistible chest!" laughed the old woman, causing people to suddenly feel the urge to use the bathroom.

"Only four more to go!" Toadsworth sighed, wiping the sweat from his forehead. "Rosalina!"

"No introduction for her!" Toad objected, looking at the puzzled princess with a vehement stare. "That bitch stole my spot at Smash Brothers!" Toadsworth glanced at the two opponents before giving his judgment.

"Fair enough! Enter Snifit, master of dealers!"

"Hey duuude, dang your party's pretty swell," Snifit spoke up with hazy eyes. He staggered his way to the old mushroom and took a sniff. "Damn man, I've never smelled something so sick. You gotta share, hehehe..." The old mushroom raised an eyebrow, staring at Snifit's outstretched hand. Ultimately, he gave him some herbs.

"Now, everyone, she's your favorite idol, welcome Queen Bee! The famous rapper from the Honeyhive Galaxy. Her fans are named the Beetches, she controls their mind thanks to her very polished texts, full of meaning and beautiful prose. Buy her latest single which helps you learn your alphabet, also known as 'ABC' or 'Ass Bitch Cunt', for the moderate price of one hundred coins! Yes, I will earn a little money thanks to my partnership with her highness, come on Queen Bee!"

The purple-caped individual Boo had seen earlier was now strutting to the stage. A fan approached her a little too much, so she sent her off, spitting on her. "Oemgee! I'll never wash myself anymore!" hyperventilated the Toadette.

"Not like you washed yourself much to begin with," noted her mother, pinching her nose.

"plz gtfo ya biches" Queen Bee stated very elegantly, making delicate gestures with her middle finger in the process.

"So, how was my speech?" Toadsworth asked.

"#2rehearsed"

"And last but not least..." Toadsworth trailed off as everyone stopped breathing, hanging on his every word. "Our final contestant... It's Boo!"

"WHAT?! I NEVER APPLIED FOR THIS GAME!" Boo raged, unable to restrain his inner fury. "THIS IS RIGGED!"

"Now, now, if you didn't want to be part of the adventure, you didn't have to fill an application!" Princess Peach's aide chided the ghost with a reprimanding shake of his head. "I suppose you did not bother to read the fine print, did you? If a candidate in selected during the Reaping, they cannot back out of it."

"Oh yeah?" Boo challenged with a small smirk. "And how exactly will you make me?"

"That's what I'm here for," Lady Bow chuckled as purple smoke emanated from her body. Once the fog cleared up, it was none other than Doopliss that was revealed.

"I knew it! I knew there was something weird with Bow!" Boo shouted triumphantly. "But wait, what are you doing here, Doopliss?"

"A certain old geezer gave me some much needed cash to lure you here and prevent you from running away. Sorry Boo!" Quickly, he took a Boo Repellent out of his filthy sheet and sprayed it on the ghost, incapacitating him.

"What have you done to Bow?" Boo coughed with difficulty.

"I took your appearance and sprayed her with the same stuff, and then I loaded her body into a plane going to Sarasaland. She's not coming back to save you."

Boo snarled, struggling to stay conscious. "You sick little fuck! She will have (BLEEP) hide... Wait, why the hell have I been censored just now? The censor's a little late..."

Toadsworth cleared his throat. "Actually... I think he just realized there was a vulgar word back when we told Goombario to shut up." Boo smacked his forehead just before loosing consciousness.

Somewhere far away, a pink creature going by the name of Ramoloss Slowpoke yawned.

Toadsworth clapped for the 'twenty' lucky contestants. "These guys will follow intense training in the next few days, to be fully prepared for the arena. But now, it is time to send them off! Thank you to everyone who attended this little ceremony, and I am sorry for everyone who wanted to participate," he raised the empty container in the air, "but unfortunately, luck was not on your side. Thank you for your time!" Toadsworth exclaimed, then left the stage with the contestants following closely behind.

Of course, nobody realized that something curious had happened when after only twenty two slips of paper, the glass jar was empty. Well, not like anyone realized there were two more players than what was announced at the beginning either.

* * *

><p><em>So yes, I decided to post this chapter soon just so you could get a glimpse of our 'wonderful' contestants. <em>

_Just for your information, I have actually never seen/read the Hunger Games, same with Battle Royale, so if things seem different to you, that's the reason why. Either that or I didn't care for several aspects that were dismissed. Thanks for reading!_


	3. Training Hard

**Kaiimi (1)** : Toadsworth is full of surprises and uses his influence and Peach's idiocy to get what he wants, haha !

**King Bloo (1)** : Woah, already a list of favorites ? Haha, I already have my winner though, but I'll try to keep the ones people like better as long as I can ! Boo x Bow is one of my favorite pairing as well (along with Peach x Toad and Toad x Toadette), even though romance isn't really my thing when it comes to fiction. ^^

**AdmiralBobbery** : Usually, in my French stories, I use an opera singer who's really off-tune or a pop singer with bad tastes and poor texts that somehow win over the population. But Queen Bee is such a fitting character for a rapper... I could see her having another job but eh. Toadsworth likes to trick the group for his own personal benefit, so that's why Boo hates it when the old man suggests the group does something.

**King Bloo (2)** : Whoops, kinda spoiled myself there... *shot* Actually, my version of Toadsworth in parodies in that of a greedy old man, not necessarily evil. In a way, like what's his name from Disney (the rich duck who swims in coins).

**Moley** : Yup, well, I'm used to parodies so I often have a personality for each character. But I switched some, like Yoshi's. In my French stories, he's the drugged drunkard (probably because of his big nose) whereas here he's the 'King Bee' if I may call him that way. But I don't want to write too many parodies 'cause I want to The Mole to progress, lol. That and, well, I've done so many in the past that it gets a little boring sometimes.

**Kaiimi (2)** : Peach is still an airhead indeed ! The reason why is because she's my favorite character ever, and giving her such a strong personality also gives me more reasons to keep her around when the stories are about eliminations (be it death or game show evictions). Glad to see you like Queen Bee as well !

* * *

><p>3 : <span>Training Hard <span>

Toadsworth smiled to himself as he checked his reflection in a large golden mirror embed with rubies, playing with the tip of his mustache. He took a pose and flexed his nonexistent muscles with satisfaction before putting on his twenty wrists made of pure silver, two crowns incrusted with sapphires, a tiara decorated by a topaz and various rings.

"Hohoho! I do feel much younger and attractive now! But was there ever any doubt? I was known for my good tastes and ability to accessorize with gusto!" chuckled the old mushroom as he readjusted his spectacles.

Suddenly, the door to his dressing room opened and a Toadette with two blond pigtails and heart-shaped dots on her mushroom head appeared. "Mr. Toadsworth, the show is starting in a few minutes!" she giggled girlishly, blushing as she looked at him.

Annoyed, the princess' aide simply waved her off. "Yes, yes, Vana T., I know. Now piss off, will you?"

"Everything for you, Mr. Toadsworth!" winked the self-proclaimed sultry woman. Toadsworth made gagging motions with his fingers as soon as she was out of sight.

"I need to do something about her, she's making me uncomfortable, this nymphomaniac... Brrrr!" the old man shuddered in fright, thinking of all the things she could do to him in his sleep. Strangely, after a while, he seemed to smile dumbly.

"No! I musn't!" he slapped himself, printing the designs of his many rings onto his visage. "Mmmh... Oh yes, I'll send her to my good friend, the one and only Chuck Quizmo!" cackled the old man evilly. "Payback's a bitch, Chuck! You shouldn't have stolen my lunch money sixty years ago!"

Even though Chuck Quizmo was only thirty-six.

Chuckling to himself, the old counselor waddled his way out of his dressing room and walked through a rather long corridor until he reached a stage illuminated by lights. Toadsworth stood at the middle of the podium and raised his hands in the air, waving to the plebeians that had come in masses.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the very first show of our new sensational game: The Mushroom Coliseum! I trust everyone is absolutely happy to be here, right?" Toadsworth winked at the roaring crowd.

"YEAH!" everyone yelled with enthusiasm, throwing their underwear toward the old man who deftly avoided them. He almost puked at the sight of a tainted girdle.

"A-anyways," stuttered the mustachioed mushroom, "as I was saying, I-"

"Ravish me, Toadsworth!" shouted a voluptuous Koopa wearing high-heels and tons of lipstick on her face as she ran at full speed in direction of her fantasy, arms open. Fortunately for the old man, one of her heels broke and she slammed head first onto the floor, sliding until she reached his feet. An interested expression made its way on Toadsworth's face.

"Please escort this young lady to my dressing room, I'll have to chide her for being a very naughty girl later on... But for now, let's get this show on the road! I'm sure you are all dying to know just where our lucky contenders have spent their week of training, aren't you?"

"No one cares!" Jojora yelled, very annoyed. The rest of the crowd looked at her disapprovingly. "What? Are you seriously enjoying this? He sent your princess to her doom!"

"Now, now, settle down you ungrateful little cunt! Err, I meant... 'Very bad civilian', of course. You need to be more respectful young lady, haven't they told you that in your youth? It seems I will have to teach you some manners! Guards, send her away!" Screams and hostile words could be heard coming from Jojora's mouth several minutes after that.

"Very sorry for her outburst, let's show you some clips from the discovery of their training grounds!" Toadsworth cheered happily.

…

"Get out!" growled a Hammer Bro as he pushed the contestants one by one out of a flying helicopter. The poor victims could only scream, gravity pulled them closer and closer to the ground, only for twenty of them to realize that something had cushioned their fall.

"AAAAAAH!" screamed Lakilulu as she plummeted at fast speeds towards the ground. "Move the mattress for us!"

"Yeah or you're gonna be in for a world of hurt!" Lakilester threatened pitifully, trying to act gangsta.

"Everyone, we have to help them!" Peach jumped to her feet and immediately began to push the mattress as per the Lakitu's instructions. Everyone helped her almost instantly and thanks to their efforts, they were able to push the mattress even further away from the two others who crashed lamentably. "Good going everyone, we're such a formidable team!"

"Truly an act of friendship," Rosalina pointed out with her hand on her heart, as Toad glared at her with dissent.

"Let's go!" Mario called out to the others, springing to his feet and jumping onto Lakilulu's bruised body. "We should explore this new location!" Smiling to each other, the rest of the cast trampled over the two idiots' bodies to investigate their new location.

"Oh my!" Flurrie gasped, trying to act surprised. "It is such a quaint little house, I might take a liking to it!" exclaimed the wind spirit as she scanned her surroundings: a wooden dilapidated building with holes in the floor.

"Are you stupid or what?" Boo questioned angrily, pinching his nose. "Why does it stink so much? It's probably the smell of this shitty place!"

"Sorry, I had beans for lunch," Wario confessed, earning a punch from Boo.

Flurrie clapped her hands in delight as she noticed various life forms roaming about. "How wonderful! There are even animals for us to bond with! Oh dear, I have never been so excited to stay at a five-stars hotel before!" The animals she was referring to were cockroaches, ants and the occasional termite. Luigi had already fainted three times and was almost having a heart attack now, so the burly Donkey Kong decided to carry him in his arms.

"Oh, Donkey Kong, you're so strooong," Birdo purred in his direction as she touched his muscles. "I'm sure...you need to unwind from times to times, and when you do, I'll be there for you." Donkey looked at her with a smile.

"Sure! Thanks Birdo, you're really cool, you know that?" he told her, not realizing what he was getting into.

"Woow... Trippy," Snifit shook his head with fright, having imagined Birdo and Donkey together in his head. "Hey guys, wanna check out the kitchen with me? I'd like to find the pot," he snickered to himself.

"Heheheh, I'll go with you," Waluigi rubbed his hands in anticipation, already thinking of ways to wreak havoc in their new house.

"I'm going too!" smiled Tiny Kong in a very fake way, trying to make friends. But unfortunately for her, no one cared.

**Waluigi** : I hope I won't be evicted after this! But I have faith in my friends, they'd never vote me out of the Big Brother house, they like me too much for that. Yup.

**Tiny Kong** : Ugh, this purple lanky freak's the first to go in case we have to vote someone out. I mean, look at his nose, how many litters of wine did he drink when he was younger to keep this coloration?

**Wario** : Waluigi doesn't have my sex-appeal, no way he's gonna last longer than me in this competition! Wahaha, I'm Wario, the sexiest plumber you'll ever get to see!

**Boo** : Why does everyone go in the bathroom to give out their feelings in a very confessional-y way? Are they stupid or do they really think we're going to compete in a Big Brother kind of show?

"While they do their stuff in the kitchen, I say we find a place to rest," Daisy suggested. Nobody approved of her decision.

"Yeah right, I'm not gonna follow the advice of a wannabe ginger princess!" barked Wendy O' Koopa, slapping Daisy for good measure. "Besides, your obvious place of resting's near the stake!" Daisy retaliated with a small slap of her own, sending Wendy flying a short distance away. "The next one to call me a ginger will REALLY learn how to fly."

Yoshi scoffed as he passed by her. "So how should we call you exactly? The girl who doesn't want to be called a ginger even though she really is? Begone, soulless creature!" Everyone but Boo swooned at the green dinosaur's words.

"Why you-"

"Anyways, I say we find a place to rest!" Yoshi smirked and flipped Daisy the bird, like the asshole he is.

"Splendid!" Toodles cheered. "I suggest we all unpack in our designated cabins, that way I can amaze you with my hidden talents, such as my beauty and my boob job!" Wendy rolled her eyes.

"watever bich" replied Queen Bee as she strutted towards the females' cabin. "dik c kary my tings but if u touch it u die k?"

"Okay!" Dixie chirped happily, carrying on her back the ten super sized suitcases of Queen Bee to the girls' dormitory.

…

"Oooooh! Do I detect the slightest hints of tension in the house?" grinned the old mushroom, as the rabid fans hollered with glee, sounding like animals in a cage. "When we return, we'll see just how these wonderful human beings interact with each others. And trust me, it's something that you will want to see!"

…

_Have you ever been in a situation where your child screamed for no reason in particular and you weren't able to shut him or her up, no matter what you did?_

Goomama and Goompapa ran on screen after Goombario, beating him to a pulp, shoving a dictionary down his throat and throwing his battered body in a pool of water, dusting themselves after such a tough ordeal.

"-but in 1985, Janet the second closed all the libraries in the Chocolate Kingdom, causing people to become as illiterate as those of the neighboring kingdoms. Thanks to her selfish act, she was able to control the minds of her subjects with ease, as they were clearly too stupid to realize that..."

"MAKE HIM STOP!" his parents screamed in anger, banging their heads against the wall of their house.

"STOP FUCKING, IT'S THREE IN THE MORNING AND YOU'VE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR THE LAST TWO HOURS OR SO!" raged the inhabitant of the Toad House, misinterpreting the moans and cries of the Goomba.

"WE'RE NOT! WE'RE TRYING TO KILL OUR SON!" shot back Goomama as she started breaking the windows of the Toad House with her trusty broom.

"Oh hell no, bitch. You didn't do that!" the Toad responded by using a catapult to destroy their house.

_Thankfully, our experts have devised a revolutionary invention, one that will ease the worries of all parents in the whole Mushroom Kingdom! It is called... The SCOTCH-TAPE!_

_Yes, thanks to this handy-dandy item, that you can either use to mark where dead bodies were found to help the police once they reach crime scenes, most of the time four to five hours late, or to solidify the foundations of your house after it was hit by a tsunami, your child will never be able to annoy you anymore!_

"Goombario!" cooed Goompapa, armed with the scotch-tape. "I have a book for you!"

Goombario raced like a bull towards his father, "The booooooook! Where's the book?" Quickly, Goompapa scotch-taped his mouth. "Mmmh! HMMM!"

"It worked! It worked! Oh Goomama, I feel like making babies!"

"Find yourself a slut, I'm not in the mood!" Goomama growled unhappily, as it was that time of the month for her. Watching the scene, the neighboring Toad slapped his derriere in front of Goompapa, just to annoy him.

_Buy SCOTCH-TAPE, and all your worries will fade away! Only 1,000 coins a roll!_

…

"Everyone, welcome back to The Mushroom Coliseum, our new sensational show of blood, guts and gore! Well, there aren't a lot of these right now, but be patient, as the game has yet to start!"

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" a random Piranha Plant laughed in the audience. Toadsworth looked unfazed and resumed his speech.

"Our lucky contestants have trained for days, toughening up for the rough exteriors they will have to brave!"

As he pronounced this line, a shot of Toodles powdering her face followed by one of Wendy giving the impression of abusing a poor lipstick made their way onto the screen.

"What, you tell me that those screenshots don't look like people preparing for war?" Toadsworth asked without waiting for an answer.

"Like, we totally didn't," Goombella rolled her eyes in the audience, earning a furious glare from Toadsworth. He snapped his fingers and she was escorted out of the room.

"Before getting rudely interrupted, I was telling you how those seemingly innocent screenshots held a deeper meaning to them. Let's find out just now."

…

In the girl's cabin, Toodles and Wendy were making themselves pretty. As always, Toodles was painting her face with several layers of foundation, while Wendy's lips fell a little, probably from the amount of lipstick and gloss they had to withstand.

The rich woman glanced at Wendy from the corner of her eyes, and let out a small and delicate laugh, much to the confusion of the Koopaling. "Such expertise! Even in my youth, I was not as talented as you are!"

"Uh... Thanks, I guess?" Wendy looked at her weirdly, expecting an insult or something.

"No, I must honestly commend you. The way you are raping this lipstick, it gives me shudders just to think of the many dicks you have probably sucked to have such a mouth!"

"What the hell?" her interlocutor looked at her, mouth agape.

"No, no, no need to thank me darling. Even I know when I am defeated... Ah, but somehow, it brings a tear to my eyes... Does the youth today stoop so low as to sleep with an abomination such as yourself? Back in my time, boys went for the desirable ones, like myself," Toodles explained as Wendy's expression became more and more shocked. After a while though, it changed from shocked to angry.

"Listen up, Saggy Tits!" Wendy roared furiously, stomping on the old Toadette's foot. "Take that back or else..."

"Or else what?" Toodles dismissed her with a wave of her hand, chuckling merrily. "It is already a wonder how you manage to move that fat ass of yours, so I doubt you would be able to do anything to me," she winked.

Wendy punched her in the face, knocking her off her feet. Then, with a sadistic grin, she opened up one of Queen Bee's suitcases and took out one of her very kinky string that she immediately cut. She tore several of her belongings, after which she decided to use Queen Bee's make up, trashing her lipsticks and eyeliners. Wendy even went as far as to shove one in Toodles ear. However, Wendy's plan went airy because of one stupid bitch.

A very very VERY stupid bitch.

"I hate you all, you're a bunch of annoying idiots that can't even comprehend beauty when you see it," Lakilulu whined as she entered the room and surprised the two girls in a heated fight. "Will you shut up?" she screamed in their ears, startling the two of them for a moment. "Wait, that's! Omigosh, you're so dead!" she smirked.

"QUEEN BEE!" she called very loudly. "Wendy and Toodles are destroying your luggage!"

Two fat individuals entered the room: Queen Bee, and Flurrie who had taken a liking to the rapper.

"who da fuk mesd wit ma kloth" Queen Bee crossed her arms, swaying her hips as she approached the three girls at the center of the commotion. "imma kil yall"

"What?" Lakilulu shrieked as she backed off. "I didn't destroy your clothes! As if I'd touch them, they're so ugly! You have absolutely no sense of style but who am I kidding? None of you can reach my level."

"That much is true, darling, no one can reach your level of annoyance," Flurrie remarked with a sagacity even she did not know she possessed. Probably because she did not.

"Burn!" Birdo laughed as the drama unfolded. The rest of the girls, except for Tiny and Dixie, were now at the scene of the incident.

"What?!" Peach yelled with fright. She immediately darted out of the room and returned a minute later with a fire extinguisher in hands, ready to combat the flames.

"Wait Peach," Rosalina tried to intervene before a disaster struck, "Birdo didn't mean it that-"

But it was too late as the pink-clad princess was spraying nitrogen all over the room, clothes and individuals too, sparing to expense to put out the fire in their spirits. Unfortunately, the results were not very liked by the rest, and an all-out brawl broke out when Daisy let out a scream and charged the closest person to her, blinded by the product.

"Hey girls!" Dixie smiled as she entered the room and dropped the remaining suitcases of the rest of the girls, causing them to release their content into the room flooded with nitrogen. She soon was forced to join the fight.

…

Meanwhile, the boys and Tiny were in the kitchen, or what was actually supposed to be a kitchen. It smelled extremely bad and was inhabited by big rats who were fighting over a small piece of bread. Snifit was busy mixing herbs into the pot, since he was in charge of cooking, and was supervised by Luigi so that no drugs would magically find their way inside the meal. However, Luigi was yet again feeling faint: he was scared of rats.

"Damn, your brother's pretty useless, Mario," Donkey Kong commented as he had to carry Luigi over his shoulder yet again.

"Either that or he wants you to feel him," Mario pointed out in a smart way, causing a very disturbed Donkey Kong to drop Luigi to the floor.

"What a little bitch!" Lakilester snarled. The others turned their attention to him.

"Who let him in? Probably Luigi, I bet he'd like a piece of Lakilester," Waluigi accused as Luigi shot up from his position and fled from the room in direction of the bathroom.

"Poor guy," Wario commented. Mario looked at his cousin with wonder.

"Hmm? Why would you take pity on him?"

"Well... It's just... You know..." Wario swallowed with difficulty as everyone in the room, even Lakilester and Boo, looked at him with worry. "He was going towards the bathroom and... I was the last one to use it."

His last statement provoked a ripple of tears coming out of the others' eyes, save for Boo who was too busy banging his head against the wall and going through it, taken away by his momentum.

"What a tear-jerking moment," Toad shook his head dumbly while everyone else nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, even the king of douchebags over here's feeling emotive," Lakilester trash-talked.

"Who, you?" Waluigi cackled as Donkey Kong gave him a high five. Lakilester was boiling in anger.

"I was talking about Yoshi, you fucking moron!" he barked angrily. Tiny Kong shot up from her position and kicked him in the groin for good measure, earning claps from the rest, before hugging Yoshi.

**Tiny Kong** : I don't know why I feel like I must go to the bathroom every time I want to voice my thoughts, it probably comes with being an attention seeker. But anyways, I noticed that people seemed to dislike me during the Grand Reaping Gala, so I decided to seduce the king of overratedness and opted for ridiculing Lakilester and Lakilulu at every chance I get so that my popularity rises!

"Serve your king well, and you will obtain what you seek," Yoshi said humbly.

"What a man! Or dinosaur. Or whatever the hell you actually are," Toad clapped for his friend who only raised an eyebrow in response.

"Aren't we missing someone?" the sensible Donkey Kong wondered as everyone realized that someone had yet to speak. They all saw Goombario tied to a pole with duck tape over his mouth.

"Who did that to you?" Tiny Kong wondered with fake sympathy. The blue-capped Goomba could only reply with 'hmm-hmms'. "Oh right, I'm so stupid, I forgot to remove it!"

"Damn right you are!" smirked Lakilester as Tiny angrily transferred the duck tape from Goombario's mouth to Lakilester's.

"Much better!" everyone smiled.

"Ah, finally! I can finally talk to you and give you more details about this wonderful land! Now, if my eyes do not fail me, then I can ensure you that we actually are somewhere in the Delfino Archipelago, probably on one of the smallest islands composing it, as it doesn't seem like Toadsworth would pick anything but a barren location for us to compete in. Furthermore, I am inclined to think that, given the natural composition of the air all around us, as well as the distant cries of pink flamingos migrating to better homes, and notwithstanding the fact that-"

Yoshi trapped Goombario into an egg and everyone congratulated him for his good deed.

…

"Well, wasn't that just plain interesting? I am sure you are dying to know just how went the rest of their training, right? Well, let me just tell you that with Snifit cooking everyone's meals... Some of them were having a hard time concentrating..."

"Snifit, you better be careful!" his mother screamed as she ran up to the screen and tried to hug her son. The whole crowd began to laugh at this, and even Toadsworth could not help but erupt into laughter.

"Well, thanks to his mother's outburst, Snifit's reputation has reached new lows! But anyway, I will see you next time, for more information about their training! Alliances are made, others refused, and princess Peach amazes everyone with her skills!"

* * *

><p><em>Hey everyone ! I actually wasn't planning to have several chapters on their training but oh well !<em>

_My question you guys is the following one : would you prefer me to continue with this format and to have Toadsworth as a host, or would you rather just have interactions between the morons ? At first Toadsworth's only purpose was to be the cause of The Mushroom Coliseum, but as you can see it obviously changed, haha. So what's your take on that matter ?_

_As always, thanks for reading and reviewing, it means a lot to me !_


	4. First Alliances

**Admiral Bobbery** : No, the contestants thought they were in Big Brother. And the confessional being in the bathroom is actually a reference to the Total Drama series. Since I received positive comments about Toadsworth, I'm going to leave him as the host, I think it's for the best as well. Thanks for the support !

**Luigified531** : Thank you for the review ! I'm glad you like these characters, and apparently almost everyone thinks they're cool, so they have more chances to survive longer, haha !

**Moley Koopa** : They can't die yet. Who would serve as a punching bag if they did ? Lol. Thanks for the comment as always !

**Kaiimi** : Thanks for your input ! I actually thought about putting Pauline in the mix, but since we already have Wendy, Toodles and to a smaller extent, Queen Bee, I felt it would be overkill (especially since Peach and Pauline would be at each other's throat, lol). Jojora...maybe in a sequel to that story *hint*. I'll do like you said, putting Toadsworth in the middle but giving spotlight to the morons. Thanks for reviewing !

**Sepron** : Glad you like Toadsworth as well ! And thank you for the support as always !

* * *

><p>4 : <span>First Alliances<span>

_Nowadays, too many people wish to have what they lack... However, they use the wrong means to achieve their ends._

_Indeed, too many people resort to plastic surgery to obtain voluptuous breasts, obsessed by the many pictures of Madame Flurrie of the Boggly Woods showing off her 'assets'..._

Seated in a café before a cup of tea, Rosalina stared at a poster of the wind spirit, and then at her own chest area. Soon after that, she sighed longingly. "Even Toadette is a B-cup... Why am I the only one flat as a pancake?"

A certain pink-haired shadow siren crossed her arms, sitting opposite from Rosalina. "Oh shush, stop complaining for once! Have you seen me?" she sent an offended look to her friend.

Rosalina raised an eyebrow. "Well, that's your own fault for being a trap. Men don't tend to have a huge bosom..."

"If that's the case, then why does he?!" asked Viviane indignantly, as she pointed to none other than Gourmet Guy who grinned and walked toward their table.

"Hello there, ladies!" he greeted with a warm smile, his manboobs and rolls of fat bouncing with every step he took. "What seems to be the problem?" Rosalina and Viviane stood up and started feeling up the obese Shy Guy.

"Oh my... These are real!" muttered the princess of the cosmos. Viviane stared in amazement as well.

"How did you get these...?"

_Yes, how did he? Well, that is what we wanted to talk about in this educative advertisement coming straight from the Mushroom Kingdom's Health Minister, Doctor Toadley._

"Well, it's easy! No need for a boobjob!" he exclaimed mirthfully. "If you want these babies," he stated proudly, smiling at his chest fondly, "just follow Flurrie's Fantabulous Fatburgers diet, and in a month or two, you will be as sexy as I am!"

_Visit Flurrie's new chain of restaurants, and stock up on your fat to get more prominent breasts! It's fast, foolproof, fattening, costs less than plastic surgery, and it'll make you feel pretty again, just like Gourmet Guy!_

_Don't hesitate anymore!_

Obese Viviane, Obese Rosalina and Gourmet Guy posed with thumbs-up next to one of Flurrie's Fatburgers restaurant, when suddenly, Gourmet Guy tumbled on the floor, victim of his own cholesterol. Panic arose and the two girls fled, leaving him for dead.

_Please note that the Health Ministry won't be responsible if you die from obesity._

…

Toadsworth made his way back onto the stage, trying to look like he was in pain and relying on his trusty cane to support his weight. Immediately, rabid fans jumped to his help and carried him where he was supposed to go, prompting the host to wink at the cameras.

"Thank you very much, simple-minded brain dead fans!" the old mushroom waved at the crowd, before sitting in his comfortable sofa. "Last time, you all saw the arrival of the players at their training grounds!"

"Yeah, what was up with that? It looked like some kind of dump," told Ukiki as he diverted the attention of the Pianta he was next to so that Klepto would be able to steal her purse.

The princess' aide chuckled lightly, putting his hands on his sides. "That's because it _is_ a dump!" Everyone in the crowd laughed merrily, except for one particular Koopa.

"Um... Excuse me, but... T-That's not very...nice," Koops claimed, a myriad of gasps ringing out after his remark, presumably coming from the spectators.

"You dare oppose the great Toadsworth?!" screamed a Toad fanboy that proudly exposed his Toadsworth underwear for everyone to see. "I ought to smack some sense into you, bitch!" Koops whimpered like the total wuss he is.

"Now, now, not to worry! I have a special arrangement for those who lack taste and style." The counselor clapped his hands and two bodyguards walked up on stage. With a silent nod, the target was confirmed and Koops was promptly dragged out of the room.

"As I was saying, you all saw what their training grounds looked like, as well as the women's fight and the males' bonding... But now, how about looking at something pertaining to the Mushroom Coliseum in itself? Alliances, anyone?" Toadsworth made a cheesy grin as the screen between him showed pictures of contestants sissy slapping each other as well of images of handshakes.

…

Toad was training against a sandbag, showing off his strength to the others and in doing so, stupidly painting a target on his back, when princess Rosalina gracefully glided up to him, a friendly smile on her face, and her poise perfect.

"Good afternoon, Toad," she greeted calmly, as the frequency of Toad's punches seemed to increase.

"What do you want, cunt?" Rosalina gasped in surprise, putting her hand onto her mouth.

"Language, Toad! That is not how a young man should behave," the woman with the cyan dress chided him, her hands on her hips. "Mouthing bad words every once and then will never give you more popularity, which is why I think you act this way...?"

"What the hell is your problem?! Bitch, stop going all gung-ho on my ass!" Toad seethed in anger, his eyes flaring dangerously.

Rosalina waggled her finger in front of his face. "Now, now, Toad. You should not feel so much animosity toward anyone else on earth. This is very bad for your health. But it matters not, I was here to propose something to you."

The poor mushroom could hardly take it, he tried to contained himself. "What proposal?"

"I believe it might be in our best interests to team up together in this ordeal. Making an alliance should allow us to strengthen our bonds, we will become such good friends that we will never want to be apart!" Rosalina cheered, completely oblivious to Toad's gagging motions. "Not only that, but with your immense powers and my Mary Sue-ness and mystical useless magic, we could easily defeat the competition. So, what is it you wish to do?" She stretched her hand, and Toad looked at it tentatively.

"Okay!" He took her hand into his and then twisted it, eliciting a yelp form the princess. Then he headbutted her, causing up to drop on the floor, picked up her body and threw her against a wall, causing it to collapse. Then he walked up to her and lowered his pants.

"I SHIT ON YOUR PROPOSAL!" he screamed as a pained expression, followed by a relieved one, made its way onto his visage. After he was done, he dusted his hand, leaving a moaning Rosalina on the floor.

…

Flurrie followed an exasperated Queen Bee around. Finally, Queen Beetch turned to her know her point of view on that matter.

"lok bich I dunt giv a shit bout u k" she stated with a hint of disdain in her voice as Flurrie stood next to her with a stupid grin on her face, blinking and nodding rapidly. She did not understand her 'friend', it seemed.

"Oh my, what luck I have!" she giggled, fanning herself with her hand, causing Queen Bee to roll her eyes. "You are such a good friend to me, I would have never guessed I would find a kindred spirit during this experience, dearie!"

"fuk u fuk ur mom ur dad fuk ur hom fuk da popo fuk da world," the queen of bees voiced her grievances.

"Darling, you must tell me the secrets of your coolness!" Flurrie clasped her hands together.

"hw bout u die n den I tolk" The cogs in Flurrie's mind began to turn slowly. After five minutes, she came up with a response.

"But wouldn't I be unable to hear from you if I were to die?" Queen Bee simply sighed and let her tag along.

"ug stupid bich watevs jus dunt b anoyin or ima kut u"

…

"Boo!" Princess Peach smiled from ear to ear, running up to the white-spherical being. Unfortunately for the both of them, the blonde forgot to stop running, so she crashed into the ghost and caused the two of them to fall on the ground.

"God! I was trying to perfect my camouflage skills and you screwed it up! How dumb can you get?!" he yelled at her angrily, rubbing his temples at the same time. A puzzled expression made its way on Peach's visage.

"I'm pretty smart, Boo, I think you might have confused myself for the reflection in your mirror!" she laughed stupidly, but stopped once Boo's hand had effectively slapped her face. "You're so mean! I don't mind that you're dumb, you know? But you're pretty mean for my bestie!"

Daisy was walking out of the girls' cabin, where Wendy and Toodles were busy trying to strangle each other, and happened to overhear their conversation. "Boo, your bestie? But I thought we were best friends...?"

"No way! My best female friend is Samus, not you! Sorry but I can't be seen associating with a ginger, and well, I can't be bestie with someone that's not blonde, you know?" Peach apologized, causing Daisy's mouth to fall to the floor. "And Boo's simply my best male friend, right?" She turned to Boo who was kneeling on the floor, praying to the Star Spirits.

"Mighty Star Spirits, please put me out of my misery," he wished intently. An image of Eldstar happened before him.

"Hell no! We're out or porn at Star Haven, so your misadventures are the only things that keep us entertained! We're not gonna help with this one, sorry Boo!" Eldstar explained, before disappearing.

"Bastard!"

…

The last coalition was the one between Tiny Kong and Yoshi. The female Kong was whoring herself out to most of the males in the house in order to prolong her survival in the battlefield, but her best bet, she thought, resided in Yoshi, the most overrated being in the Mushroom Kingdom.

"Damn, we can ear your fangirls from here," Tiny pointed out. Yoshi nodded in response.

"Well, duh. I'm simply the best, I can't die in the arena." Tiny looked shocked and ran to the bathroom.

**Tiny Kong** : I don't know if making this alliance with Yoshi is going to help my game. He seemed extremely sure he would not die, is it all in vain...?

"Sorry, I needed to go," Tiny apologized. Yoshi looked at her in disgust.

"You could have used toilet roll!" he exclaimed, turning green. "Huh... See ya later..."

Tiny stayed in place for at least one hour, before understanding. "THAT'S THE NATURAL COLOR OF MY FUR, MORON!"

…

_Ever had a very bad day, feeling like you wanted to disappear from the surface of the planet?_

"No, why would I? Everyone is so kind to me!" Dixie grinned in a very stupid way, before getting pushed to the floor and given a mop to wash the entirety of a fifteen-story tall building.

_SHUT UP YOU'RE FIRED! WHY CAN'T WE HAVE SOMEONE COMPETENT FOR ONCE?!_

"Yes," Toad bawled before his computer, looking at Rosalina's SSB4 trailer yet another time.

_Such despair! Well, fear not, for we have the perfect way to put you out of your misery!_

"Really?" Toad's expression lighted up as he heard the news. "What do I need to do, sir?"

His interlocutor was dichromatic Monty Mole. One of his sides seemed white and peaceful while the other was black and devilish. His red scarred eye shone when he cackled to himself. "No need to call me sir, just call me Chromatopo!"

"Okay, Chromatopo!" Toad grinned. "How can you help me?"

"First, sign this handy-dandy contract!" Chromatopo giggled strangely, producing a sheet of paper from who knows where. "Then I'll contact you in a week and bring you to a very special school, where you will learn how to fight against depression, for the greater good of humanity!"

_Register now for Chromatopo's Cruel Carnage School! Be one of the first sixteen people to enroll in his program, and you will be guaranteed a place in his first class! Upupupu..._

…

Toadsworth was resting on his sofa as a select few spectators were fanning him and bringing him free food. Suddenly, his eyes snapped open as he realized the cameras were on him, and he pushed all of his slaves off the stage.

"I love it when you hurt me, you handsome hunk!" a female Pianta purred, trying to look seductive but failing hard at it. Toadsworth backed off slightly, now scared for his life. Thankfully, he regained his composure hastily, and made a statement like a pro.

"Sorry, I don't do shit."

"Oh... I'm so sorry," apologized the Pianta. "I will make sure to put on more perfume next time!"

"Riiiiiight... Anyways! Aren't you excited for the game to finally begin? Because I sure am! And in order for you to understand my feelings, even though it must be quite hard for simple-minded peons like you, here are some clips of our contestants training as hard as they can!"

…

"So all we need to do is find a booth, talk to an instructor and try to reproduce what they do?" asked Donkey Kong for confirmation, as a Squeek nodded in response. "Cool."

All the contestants were regrouped in the courtyard, which looked more like a graveyard covered in vomit and poop. Many instructors were scattered all over the place, and to Boo's surprise and disgust, he realized that they all had one particularity.

"Wait, that's strange. How come all the instructors are black? I sense something amiss here," the ghost narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms as well.

Mario laughed at him. "Boo, that's fairly obvious! We can't have black people roaming around in the Mushroom Kingdom, think of all the disasters that could happen if we let them free!" Boo's mouth fell to the floor.

The Squeek instructor sighed sadly. "Unfortunately, that's the truth. There is absolutely no white people on this island except for you guys. All of us black people were sent here and told to stay away from normal people."

"But..." Boo turned to Peach angrily. "You can't ostracize people based on the color of their skin! That's just so wrong, you stupid bigot!"

"Silly Boo! I'm doing this for my people! Black and dark people are shady, you know? I can't risk having them harm my wonderful white citizens!" Peach laughed, joined by everyone else. Boo banged his head against another wall, which yet again crumbled to pieces. "But you're totally right! I can't...whatever you said! Proof is, there's still one black guy that we have yet to catch! He totally escaped our vigilance after he ran away from our forces," recalled the princess.

"Very curious," Mario nodded in confirmation, playing around with his mustache. "You would think that after traveling all over the world and even the galaxies, I would have found them, but no."

Somewhere, Il Piantissimo flipped the bird to his television, his mask concealing the color of his skin. "Retards."

…

Snifit was busy looking at the booth which dealt about herbs, naturally. "Maaaaaan... This smells so gooood! And you mean to tell me you can heal wounds with herbs? Never tried before, yup!" he declared, in a daze.

"But what have you tried before?" questioned the black Boo.

"Oh! Well, lemme introduce you to Snifit's special, dude!" And so the roles were reversed. After his small demonstration, Snifit exchanged part of his herbs against the healing ones provided by the Boo.

A curious Birdo made her way to the stand next, and began to work on the procedure to make healing herbs. Unfortunately for her, she did not know about Snifit's exchange, and began to feel funny. "Oh my god, what is happening to me?" she yelled, trembling with every step she took, her vision getting blurry.

Goombario inhaled. "From my understanding, you are beginning to feel the effects of what is commonly referred as 'shit', a type of drug that inhibits your senses and blocks your sensory receptors and neurons, thus causing you to see things and feel a delayed response to pain in your organism," the smartass demonstrated, kicking her in the nose. "I could elaborate on the wonders of drugs, used in a medical way, however that is not the point here. To help you get a better understanding of your predicament, I wish to recite to you this small book so that-"

"What's that? Some sort of...dung...? It's talking to me?! What's happening!" Birdo yelled, before collapsing. Goombario stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes darting from left to right, before fleeing the scene.

Donkey Kong, Luigi, Wario and Daisy arrived near the booth and realized that Birdo was knocked out. "Looks like the Godzilla ripoff's been offed!" Wario laughed, kicking Birdo in the ribs. "Thank goodness, she was so scary!"

"Wario? She's still breathing," Daisy remarked dully.

"Crap."

"Okay, so someone needs to revive her or something!" Daisy exclaimed. "And I will not do it!"

"I'm sorry, but neither can I," Donkey Kong started, looking a little scared at the prospect of using mouth-to-mouth to save Birdo. "I-I have a girlfriend!" he shouted suddenly, giving them a photo of Candy Kong, even though she was his cheating ex and he was currently single.

"M-me too!" Luigi squeaked like a pansy. "I have a loving girlfriend!" he smiled at Daisy but was still playing with Donkey Kong's nipples and caressing the ape. Thankfully for him, Daisy did not see it.

"Well, that leaves you, Wario!" the yellow-clad princess could not help but chuckle.

"Sorry girl, that leaves you! I have a girlfriend as well! And there are some ladies who are anxiously waiting for our breakup to replace her," Wario boasted, slapping his butt in Daisy's direction.

"You're lying! How could a fat tub of lard like you be even attractive in the eyes of the ugliest girl in the world?!"

"We could ask Lakilulu," Donkey Kong suggested. The bitch suddenly appeared and threw a spiny at his face. "Ow!"

"For the record, I'm so much better than all of you combined, but you just can't see it because you're jealous of my beauty. Well, I guess it can't be helped, coming from two whores, one of them doing it in front of his girlfriend, a fatass that has trouble even getting out of bed, and a slutty ginger cunt so useless that she hasn't starred in anything but Party Games for more than one decade!" Lakilulu spat harshly, before getting beaten up by the foursome.

"Wait, what did she mean by 'two whores doing it, one of them in front of his girlfriend'?" Donkey Kong wondered as Luigi hid his hands behind his back, sweating profusely.

"To return to the matter at hand," Daisy looked at Luigi suspiciously, "show us proof that you have a girlfriend!"

"Ha!" Wario took his wallet and showed them the picture of Princess Shokora. "That's my girlfriend! And her," he showed a picture of Mona, "is my best employee and she can't resist that bootilicious bode! Her," he now took hold of Queen Merelda's photograph, "too. Ever since I saved her on one of my adventures. Oh, and last but not least, my rival, who's also interested in me! Captain Syrup! So how do you like that!"

Burning in anger, Daisy grabbed Wario by the collar and forced him to reanimate Birdo. The poor man could only blubber in despair as his mouth met Birdo's.

…

Wendy and Toodles were hogging the arena, a booth where two contestants could face off in a physical competition to determine which of them was the strongest. It was also a mean for them to brutally murder the other while still respecting the rules.

"As I thought! The word 'diet' is absent from your dictionary. Why, I could have deduced that fact at first glance!" Toodles laughed. Wendy growled in anger and tackled the old woman to the ground, but Toodles was more resourceful.

"Dixie, would you mind helping me?" The blonde monkey immediately joined the scene and joined the fray, but Wendy O' Koopa was a very strong opponent, so it was an evenly matched battle.

Lakilester sat in front of the ring. "Useless cunts... At least my Lakilulu has class!"

Waluigi sneered. "Your twat of a girlfriend? Please, she's got the class of a crippled sloth with red hair," he insulted provocatively and kicked Lakilester in the nuts. "Not to mention the foul smell coming from her mouth."

"Shut the fuck up, I could break you in half, twig. Or I could let Daisy do it, since I saw you rummage through her bras," smirked the Lakitu.

"You punk! I'm going to trash you in the coliseum, mark my words..."

"Yeah right," replied the king of douchebags. "You won't be able to lay a finger on- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Lakilester screamed in pain, looking at his shoulder where a knife was planted.

"Whoops! Sorry!" Peach giggled and waved at Lakilester as he was taken to the 'hospital wing' of the training grounds.

"You're not as puny as I thought, girl!" Wendy had stopped punching Dixie and Toodles to clap.

"What a wonderful aim!" Toodles congratulated as well. "Why, you might be a tough contender for the win."

"But I was aiming for the target," Peach trailed off, pointing to the object in the distance. Boo blinked rapidly.

"Wait. If you were aiming for the target, how did you manage to hit Lakilester who was on the opposite side...?!"

…

"How, indeed!" Toadsworth chuckled with glee. "Thank goodness we didn't select all of the clips that contained fails, otherwise we could be here till the end of the night!"

"Really?" questioned Toadia, the absolute Luigi fangirl.

"Yes!"

"THEN SHOW ME LUIGI CLIPS OR I'LL CUT YOU TO PIECES AND FEED YOU TO MY PET SHARK!" she barked at him, foam forming at her mouth. Horrified, Toadsworth immediately dialed a number on his phone and security came in, shooting Toadia with their tranquilizer guns. Unfortunately, it had little to no effect on the rabid Toadette who ran on stage and shook Toadsworth.

"Shut the fuck up, bitch!" someone in the assembly yelled. "No one cares about that nipple-obsessed Luigi freak!"

"WHO SAID THAT?!" Toadia bellowed, running into the crowd. "HOW DARE YOU SULLY LUIGI'S NAME?!"

"SECURITY!" Toadsworth called in a panic, retreating to his quarters to meet up with the slutty Koopa from the beginning of the show. "Err, until next time, everyone! The games begin next and- Oh my god, what is she doing to that poor Yoshi...?"

* * *

><p>Next time...<p>

*builds suspense*

Nah, who am I kidding?

Next time, someone DIES !


	5. First Blood

**Sepron** : Glad Toadsworth is so well-liked. And to say that he was only going to here to get the games started, lol. As for Rosalina in Sm4sh, I can't help but feel disappointed since I've been hoping Toad makes it in for the past twelve or thirteen years, lol. Not to mention that I'm not a fan of her. But she looks unique enough so I guess that's alright. Plus she has lots of fan, I'm sure they'll be happy to have her. I took note of your favorites, and it might actually have an impact on the story! Didn't realize one of them would be liked, so I'll make sure to keep them around longer (not saying who though). Thanks for the review!

**Kaiimi** : Yeah, Mario's such a racist, lol. I thought it would be funny, given the fact that he's an Italian plumber, was created in Japan, spent time in the USA and ultimately found his way to the Mushroom Kingdom. But I won't base his character on that alone because it would be too boring. A joke or two is fine I suppose (well, people will always find stuff offensive so whatever), but I wouldn't feel comfortable just using that for him. I think his 'heroic' side is funnier since he's such a moronic leader. And lawl Toad. Thank you for the review!

**Moley** : You shall see in this chapter whether any of your favorites die or not, I won't spoil it to you just yet. But some of them will eventually have to go. I have in my head the final 4, as well as the final showdown. I also know who wins, but that's about it! The rest is kind of random, we'll see how it goes. I also have planned some rather humorous deaths for certain idiots. XD Thanks for the support!

* * *

><p>5 : <span>First Blood<span>

Toadsworth growled to himself, sitting at his desk and examining a handful of papers. Plenty of sheets were littering his environment of work, and the old counselor slapped his forehead in frustration. "Stupid Toadia bitch!" he snarled. "She is foiling my plans!"

Indeed, the brown-spotted mushroom was scrutinizing files and working on the reconstruction of the room the Luigi fangirl had destroyed in a fit of rage. Not only that, but he also had to work on silencing the numerous people who had instigated lawsuits against him and his show. Even though the inhabitants of the Mushroom Kingdom were really dumb, even they could not ignore what had transpired.

"Now, now, I must act like the dignified and wise person I am," Toadsworth twirled his mustache with his fingers, a jolly expression on his face. "FUCK IT! FUCK IT ALL!" he suddenly raged intensely.

Then, he went back to his papers. "Seventeen thousand coins to repair my golden throne?! That's...surprisingly cheap considering it should be around a million or two..." Toadsworth gave his consent and applied his signature to the paper. "Fees to give a decent sepulcher to those who died during this small incident... One thousand coins...?! I'm sorry but that's way too much. Let's just throw their remains in a hole and be done with it."

Just as Toadsworth was going to attack another stack of papers, he heard stirring noises coming from behind him: it was the slutty Koopa from the day before. "Aaaah," she yawned, patting the bed next to her. "Toadsy?" called the disheveled whore.

"I'm here," Toadsworth replied without turning his head, still at his desk. The Koopa sashayed her way to the old man, twisting her ankle along the way.

"That was a good night," she testified with what she would describe as a 'seductive tone'. "You're not too bad for an old man. But... I just realized you never asked for my name."

"Well, I hardly thought it necessary in the case of a one-night stand," justified princess Peach's aide. "If you insist, I might as well hear it from you. What's your name?"

"Skanky Whora's the name, prostitution's my game!" she laughed loudly, making the old man cringe. She stayed behind Toadsworth for ten minutes, until he finally snapped.

"What are you still doing here?" Puzzled, the Koopa cupped her breast.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm awaiting my payment," she pointed out, putting another layer of foundation cream onto her face.

Toadsworth's eyes twitched at the mention of a certain monetary compensation. "Whatever do you mean, Slutty Koopa?"

"I like the ring of that name! But to return to the matter at hand, I'm a prostitute. I'm making money by sleeping with people. You didn't think it would be free, did you?"

"Well...yes. Yes I did!" retorted an irritated spectacle-wearing Toad. Skanky waved her hand with humor.

"Oh, you're so funny Toadsworth! Well, it'll be sixty nine coins for the night!" Her client almost choked on his saliva.

Toadsworth made it look like he was looking for his wallet. "Oh, I must have forgotten my wallet in the adjacent room. Please remain here while I go fetch it!" He hurriedly walked out of the room and immediately located what, or rather, whom he was looking for.

"Guards! A hooker slipped inside my room and assaulted me! I demand she be locked inside the dungeons!"

"Sir, yes sir!" Moments later, muffled screams coming from the room he occupied could be heard, and the old man could not help but rub his hands together in satisfaction.

"Now, let's return to the game!" he cheered.

…

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first live show of 'The Mushroom Coliseum'!" Toadsworth yelled as he descended the three stairs leading to his usual place on stage. Already, the crowd was in an uproar.

"Toadsworth, I want your sexy selfies!" "OMG, Toadsworth x Bobbery's so HAWT! True OTP here." "Can I smell your feet?"

The counselor raised his hand into the air and everyone stopped talking at once, as if mesmerized by his enchanting hand. Then, he proceeded to make small gestures pointing here and there at the 'customized' room.

"As you can all see, we decided to redecorate for the occasion!" lied the old man, bloods and guts splattered on the walls and floor after Toadia's massacre. The head of the Yoshi she had attacked the day before was swiftly kicked to the side by a whistling Toadsworth. Unfortunately for him, a relative of the recently deceased had identified the victim.

"But...that's my son's head!" cried an old Yoshi that was oozing fat. Sweating bullets, the princess' aide made his move.

"Oh, well... He had an unfortunate accident," coughed the brown-spotted mushroom. "Would you like to retrieve his head?"

The fat Yoshi stopped crying and began thinking, a perverted smile making its way onto his face. "Yes, I would. We never had any time to bond, so I would like us to be really close before his official burial," replied the father as a disgusted Toadsworth kicked the head towards him. The fat Yoshi skipped outside of the room with a smile.

"ANYWAYS!" the mushroom cleared his throat. "If you would, please take a look at the giant screen located behind me."

…

The contestants were all located on small gray platforms disposed in an arc in a small clearing. From their position, they could see a little station where weaponry and food would be provided for their intense killing session.

"Remember, you have to wait until the countdown is over to get off these platforms, okay?" warned a black Shy Guy.

"Why?" Boo questioned immediately, a feeling of dread overcoming him.

"Well, if you don't comply to these rules, you'll be blown to smithereens. And you wouldn't want that." The white ethereal-being slapped his forehead in annoyance.

"Can we start already?!" yelled Wendy, her eyes flaring in anger. "Let's get this over with so I can give the old bitch the death she so rightfully deserves!"

Toodles scoffed in amusement, applying another layer of gloss to her luscious lips. The sixth one actually. "Now, now, I would not make threats unless I knew how to transform them into reality. What makes you so sure that an obese sow such as you could run as fast as my nimble self? Truly, you are delusional, as is your scale if it indicates anything lower than one hundred kilograms when you step on it."

"That's it, saggy tits is going DOWN!" roared the princess.

"Oh, it looks like the hostilities have already begun!" laughed Tiny Kong to give herself more screen time, even though she had nothing interesting or intelligent to say.

"#atensheunwhor" Queen Bee asserted with a gracious middle finger pointed in the air.

"Shut the fuck up, all of you bitches!" Lakilester snarled. "We're tired of all of you girls stealing our spotlight! Only my beautiful girlfriend and I have the right to speak. It's an order from your king."

"B-but... I'm not from Douche Land," Luigi stuttered awkwardly, prompting everyone but the two Lakitu to burst into laughter.

"Burn!" Waluigi cackled.

"Well, I would not say he has been burnt in any way," Goombario retorted like a smartass. "As you can probably see, Lakilester is nowhere near fried, and nothing indicates that he has suffered burns of any kind, unless you take into account his abysmal intelligence and utter mediocrity. This expression is unbecoming of naturally clever characters like we are, and as such we should make sure to never employ it ever again. It is an utter disgrace to the English language which we are currently speaking, and I would-"

"Shut up," Waluigi frowned. A disappointed Goombario shook his head, but no one cared.

Everyone waited with bated breath the countdown which would then allow them to compete in the most stupid game ever hosted in the history of the Mushroom Kingdom, which was saying something considering the atrocities that had been conducted in the past. But when the sixty seconds countdown began, an unforeseen event took place.

"Oh my GAWD!" screamed a winged turtle that mostly everyone knew.

"lawdy lawd" exclaimed the famous rapper in surprise.

"Stereotypical much?" Yoshi smirked.

"stfu"

"It's Parakarry! Yay!" Peach clapped with glee and also jumped up and down in excitement. "What's up?"

"It's horrible! There's a giant bee ready to maul you all! Let's run away everyone!" panicked the stupid turtle, his eyes locked on Queen Bee.

"da fok is dis shit? if its dat vespiquen bich imma kil her so hard she gun die" Queen Bee expressed herself in a very eloquent way, before stepping off her platform and exploding in a thousand pieces.

Immediately, it triggered a chain reaction as everyone decided to run away from the explosion, exploding in turn. Eventually, Boo was the only survivor, but his white complexion had become rather red.

"Oh... Did I win? Haha!" Boo mocked the fallen princess and the rest of his comrades. "I want my money right now!"

BZZZZZT.

Static.

_**WE ARE SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE, OUR EXPERTS ARE DOING THEIR BEST TO REESTABLISH CONTACT, BUT GIVEN THEIR SKILL LEVEL, IT MIGHT TAKE A WHILE. LOL.**_

…

Toadsworth cursed his underlings and their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, pets, flowers, belongings and even the grass blades in their gardens. "How about some shameless advertisement while we await for more footage or our contestants' adventure?" he grinned, repressing his anguish at the very bottom of his soul.

…

_Have you ever felt that everyone was looking down on you, one day, because you were a weak and puny little critter?_

Diddy Kong walked on the street, minding his own business. He was not wearing his usual T-shirt, nor was he sporting his trademark cap. Instead he had for only article of clothing a red tie on which were written the letters D.K, and his hair was styled up with gel.

"Heya, Did-Donkey!" Dixie grinned as she ran towards her boyfriend. "Where are you taking me for our date?"

"I thought about going to the movies!" smiled the chimp, tugging at his tie with unease. "They have the latest installment of Fasto the Explorer!"

"Hey, would you look at that! It's that Did-Donkey Kong pussy!" guffawed a buff Kremling, arms crossed and looking down on the duo.

"Let's rough them up!" yelled another, as they advanced towards Diddy and Dixie menacingly.

_Do you feel the wind of change, up in the air? It beckons to you... 'Become stronger!' it says to you... _

A beaten up Diddy Kong stares at a board located in front of the entrance of a gym. "Maybe a little training wouldn't be so bad!"

_In a matter of one week, you will go from this..._

A photo of Diddy Kong paining to lift a very small weight with Dixie turning her back on him is shown on screen.

_...to this!_

A photo of the strong Donkey Kong carrying two hundred pounds with one arm, while Candy Kong cheers him on makes its way on screen.

_All thanks to our Konga Gym! Register now for only five hundred coins a day and feel the results of this intense training! Dissatisfaction will not lead to a reimbursement. Make sure to leave a good review once you're done with the training! _

**DidsterBomb**: Reality at its weakest! But I still recommend it cause I'm a moron.

**DaQuenB**: fuk of da l is dat program? i meen lik its so fulovshit but dey pay me so yea go der plz

**Candhooker**: Please make sure to hit the gym more often, I'll be waiting for any strong muscular man to 'pick me up' outside. **wink**

…

The screen now shows the twenty two contestants alive in the clearing. Thanks to the cleverness of the producers, and to mask the fact that they had tampered with the game by reviving the twenty one idiots who had left their platform because they would not have made as much money as they could otherwise, the players had been relocated to another part of the clearing.

Or they would have been intelligent, had one of them thought of throwing a bucket of water on the bloodied Boo, who had a permanent frown etched onto his face. "Am I going to have to bear with this fucking blood for long?"

"Duuude, why the long face? You look totally more radical in red!" the biased Snifit gave him a thumbs-up, before taking another puff of his concoction. "But you should definitely drop the poncho, doesn't go well with your built." Someone muttered a 'What? A poncho?' but no one else elaborated on the smoker's state.

"Since when do you have any sense of fashion?" Birdo grunted, arms folded. Jealousy radiated from her lousy being. "I'm not jealous!" the pink dinosaur yelled angrily.

"Funny how you didn't think of refuting the fact that you're a total loser!" Lakilulu bitched at her, showing off the only thing she was good at.

"Now, now, lady and ginger," Snifit smiled goofily, trying to be charming, "to answer Birdo's question, I'm a man of many talents, I could show them to you if you're interested. You'd probably be proficient at my occupation with your snout."

"That's good and everything but no one cares," Daisy stated, already bored.

"Well, maybe you'd be more interested in knowing that Luigi tried to get his kink on with Donkink Ong!" Lakilulu made a terrible pun, but it caused Daisy to become extremely livid. She glared at Luigi and traced a finger under her throat, making it very clear that the plumber's days were numbered.

"Yeah, I wonder what will happen!" Tiny Kong nodded her head. "What with Birdo also having designs on Donkey Kong, and Wario being so enamored with Birdo as Mario pointed out to me the other day when he was discussing Toad's pitiful attempt at making Super Smash Brothers!" the simian figure declared, addressing a not so subtle wink at Yoshi: she was already trying to stir the pot.

"Oh my, that Tiny Kong ruffian is such a troublemaker!" Flurrie exclaimed dramatically. "It seems as though we are the only ones astute enough to catch wind of her underhanded tactics! How blessed are we to possess such brainpower!" recited the wind spirit as she read the autocue.

"wat a bich"

"Darling, you absolutely MUST teach me more Nigganese! It is such an interesting language! I would be most elated to have you as a teacher."

"How racist can you get?" Boo's mouth fell over. There was too much stupidity going on all at once, Boo showed signs of weakness.

"This isn't racist!" Mario protested, scowling at the ghost. "It is, in fact, a fact! Mariohohoho!"

"Here he goes with his dumb laughter," Boo sneered. "What are you, if not racist?!"

"I'm a bigot! There's a clear difference here!"

"I can't...even..." Boo had a hard time getting over Mario's last sentence.

"The game better starts now or else I'm leaving!" Yoshi threatened. Immediately, the countdown began and a chorus was heard. It was singing 'Ode to Yoshi'. "That's better! Everyone should be prepared to lose!"

Lakilester mocked the green dinosaur. "Yeah right! There's no way I'm gonna die first yet again!"

Once the countdown reached zero, everyone ran as fast as they could towards the small station where all the weapons were located, except Snifit who was lagging behind and tripping, in every sense of the term. Lakilulu was pushed and tumbled down, losing her lead and getting trampled by a stampede of idiots. Flurrie adopted an aerodynamic form, so that her 'features' would not hinder her progress but become an asset to her speed. As for Wario, he thanked the stars that his last meal was chilli beans and used his farting prowess to get to the station first.

Unfortunately, he forgot to stop and went on, trying to locate the nearest pond. Seeing this, Waluigi could not help but sing. "His ass is on fiiiiire~"

"What a wonderful organ you possess!" Goombario was keeping up with the anorexic twig, in spite of his rather small stature and the numerous books he was carrying around. "I've never heard anything of the sort! It's somewhere between the octave of a screeching nail scratching a metallic material, and a chalk stick grating against a board! How horrific!"

"Why won't you shut up?!" Waluigi started beating the Goomba to a pulp, even though it did not do much damage considering his lack of muscles.

Meanwhile, Rosalina had warped in front of the station thanks to her mystical kawaii desu magic powers of DEATH, her arms held wide to her sides, as if to prevent people from taking weapons. "Fighting is bad! We should all be friends with each other and live happily for the rest of our lives! Let us rejoice in a climate of peace and freedom!" she proclaimed. Toad flipped her the bird.

"You can rejoice in my piss!" Rosalina cringed, remembering her altercation with the mushroom and how it had ended.

"That isn't really my ideal vision of peace, but if it makes you stop brawling, I shall accept your conditions!"

"Whatever!" Toad was the fastest, so he picked her up and threw her to the side. "I need weapons!"

"So do I!" Daisy pushed him to the side, hoping to find something that would help her exterminate Luigi.

"Everyone, move! Your King is here," Yoshi strutted to the weapons with a defiant smile on his face. Peach was slightly behind, but also wanted a decent weapon, so she jumped onto his back and used it to propel herself farther ahead.

"Oh, cool! Ninja stars!" she carelessly threw one behind her, and it narrowly missed ten contestants.

"YES! I have a gun!" gloated Lakilester. "Who am I going to kill first?" Smirking evilly, the Lakitu took his sweet time to decide who would be his target.

Panic soon arose at the station as people kicked, bit (mostly Wendy and Toodles going at it), punched, hair-flipped, slapped and tackled each other. But regardless of what happened there, everyone managed to get their hand on something.

And so the bloodbath began. Peach back-flipped like a total pro, even though her landing left a lot to be desired, and threw one of her shurikens in a random direction. Tiny Kong used her sister as a shield in case anything bad were to be thrown her way, while Boo stayed behind, definitely not up to the challenge. Wario returned from his search which had yielded no result, so he ran the opposite way, completely forgetting it was the starting point, as Waluigi got backhanded by Goombario's dictionary. Queen Bee found herself staring at the picture of her rival, Toadney Spears, since she was taking hold of her leftovers CDs (which, by the way, were much more numerous than the sold ones) and started tossing them just like Peach. Flurrie boobed her way to the premise, unaware of the chaos unfolding: the old actress thought this was a simple race for a game show. Toad found three grenades, he hurled two in Rosalina's direction while the last one was accidentally thrown behind him and deflected by Daisy's spear that she held like a javelin. She threw it in Luigi's direction, but the plumber tripped before it connected with his body and fell on top of Donkey, who began to blush furiously. His blush soon became annoyance as he realized just who was on top of him. The strong simian threw Luigi towards Mario who dropped his lighter which was in a precarious situation. During their strife, Wendy and Toodles rolled towards said lighter, and it was catapulted toward Snifit, who took it in order to make use of his herbs. Once he was done, he let out a big 'thank you' and threw it back to the assembly, but forgot to extinguish its flame which lighted up one of Birdo's dynamite sticks. In a hurry, the pink dinosaur flung it behind her and ran away from it. Yoshi raged as his bag did not contain a rocket launcher, while Mario emptied the rest of his bag to find out whether he had food or not. In doing so, he cast a hammer towards one individual who fell onto the floor, bleeding.

"Oh! Everything is going to go kaboom!" Dixie smiled, getting slapped by Lakilulu who was aiming for Tiny.

"What!? Every beautiful Lakitu for themselves, the rest can just drop dead!" screamed the national bitch.

Everyone but one person managed to get out of the mess. Throat slit by disks, a shuriken sunk into their left eye – or what remained of it after the two explosions it had suffered, respectively caused by one of Toad's grenades and Birdo's dynamite stick, a bloody hammer embedded into their skull, and a javelin running through their belly, this person had been overkilled.

"Who is it?" Boo asked casually, not bothering to see who was alright and who was not.

"Maaan, you gotta relax. Just look at the sky, it has all your answers," Snifit contaminated the air around Boo.

"What is it...? It doesn't look like any of us," remarked Wario, noticeably more smelly than before.

Above their heads, fireworks exploded. Unlike the typical ones you could see during celebrations, that one depicted an interesting symbol, but not a face. It was brown and clearly represented a big smelly cartoony poop, with flies buzzing around it. Someone easily found the meaning of such a raucous pictogram.

"YES! WE DID IT! LAKILESTER IS DEAD EVERYONE!" Goombario cheered, throwing a book in the air.

"praiz da lawd" Queen Bee shook her booty elegantly. "n raiz da roof 2"

"Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof!" Toad smiled and slapped Rosalina on the back, not realizing what his moment of euphoria was making him do.

"just no go fuk ursefl pinus hed"

And so, the contestants all celebrated the first day of their game together, except Lakilulu who was secluded and dumped into a nearby lake, causing much anguish and despair to the poor Wario who had yet to get over his discomfort.

"But you know," Goombario suddenly spoke up, sitting next to Waluigi at dinner, "now you can say that he was double burnt!"

"Shut up!" snapped the purple-clad individual, punching Goombario in the mouth.

* * *

><p><em>Shoutout to Kai, there's one of her OCs mentioned in the chapter!<em>

_Also, tell me if you saw it coming. I thought it was blatantly obvious, but it had to be done anyway! I couldn't let him live longer than he needed to. *shot*_

_Hopefully, you liked the chapter!_

_Until next time!_


	6. Fiery Buffet

**Moley Koopa** : Glad you liked that first bloodbath. Well, only one died but it was pretty satisfactory given the nature of the individual, lol. Yeah, death to Lakilester ! He sucks ! This chapter includes another dose of Lakilester hate, because we need it. Lol. Thanks for the review.

**Sepron** : Yes, I thought it would be funny to have him comment on the fact that he couldn't die first two times in a row, lol. Queen Bee seems to be a huge favorite, and personally I think she's the best new character I have, even though she do resemble Ness in my French stories (but Ness is a delinquent and she's a rapper so they're a little different). Thank you for the comment !

**Kaiimi** : Poor Boo, I put him through so much ordeals, lol. Yeah, it's a wonder he's still sane amongst all these dumb people. I took note of your favorites as well, haha! Thanks for the support, it's always appreciated.

_PS : References Galore in this chapter !_

* * *

><p>6 : <span>Fiery Buffet<span>

"Tadaaaaa!" Toadsworth exclaimed, staring at his reflection, and more accurately his flexed biceps, in the mirror of his room. "Why, I am rather handsome tonight, if I do say so myself," the old man praised his own looks, failing to catch sight of his saggy arms.

Toadsworth had to host the show tonight, yes, but he also had other plans to attend to beforehand. After such a hard day at work – the princess' aide was trying to imagine ways to coerce the players into killing each other all day long, to no avail – the aging mushroom decided that he could probably enjoy himself for a bit before his performance.

He had donned a nice suit, black like the deepest night, and matching pants as he was going out that day. In his right hand was his trusty cane, except the mushroom tip was black and white, matching his clothes, and the long pole was actually translucent and seemed to be filled with some sort of weird liquid.

"Maybe I did overdo it slightly," he pulled at his mustache in wonder. "I usually do not go to such lengths but tonight is a special occasion... Mmmh... No, I shan't risk it." A firm shake of the head later, the advisor had pulled a dark face mask over his head.

Toadsworth exited his room and, as always, took his sweet time descending the stairs, creating an incredibly long file of servants who wanted nothing but to go home and enjoy the show. The counselor chuckled to himself as he heard the numerous complaints emitted by the rest of the castle.

Before he managed to reach the castle's front doors, Tayce T. appeared in his field of vision, staring at him in disbelief. He was about to justify his get-up when she caught him by surprise. "Oh my, who might you be, handsome fellow?" she winked at him and he made a face in disgust.

"Who might I be? Alas, I cannot tell you for I must remain anonymous. If I were to give you my identity, I would have to cut your throat and throw your decayed cadaver in the sewer," he spoke up rather elegantly, causing Tayce to laugh with him.

"And with a sense of humor, at that!" Tayce sighed dreamily. "If only Toadsworth had your qualities..." The mushroom's right eye twitched.

"Now listen to me you bi- I mean," he was able to catch himself before he slipped up, "I was in no way joking about my claims. Please go choke on your own piss, charming lady!" he retreated abruptly before the love spell Tayce was under evaporated.

"Aaaah... He called me a charming lady!" swooned the cook, before realizing what had been said to her. "Wait. Did I hear correctly? I demand an- Oh, he's gone... Was I...fantasizing?"

Whistling to himself, the old mushroom commented on the stupidity of his friend, and how she was not any better than the rest of the Mushroom Kingdom. He actually ranted about it for the duration of his walk, and stopped once he arrived in the casino. There, he remembered the rude and uncouth individuals that had done him wrong. Surprisingly, they greeted him with a smile.

"Wow dude, I love your style!" one Kremling stated as he failed to recognize Toadsworth, even though he had seen and listened to him a thousand times at least.

"Thank you, old boy! May I enter?" Toadsworth asked politely, knowing that his disguised was foolproof.

"Yeah sure! As long as you're not that old geezer who thinks he owns the place..."

"Oh? I would not want to be promiscuous with that person," Toadsworth told the bouncers genuinely, not realizing that he was the individual they were talking about. "Some people can be so rude, it is a travesty! A disgrace, I say!" he took up arms angrily.

"A disguised disgrace!" Monty Mole added as he exited the establishment, sharing a nod with Toadsworth.

Soon after that, Toadsworth entered and started his master plan. First, being a regular customer and a personal friend of Chet Rippo, the old man knew where the wine and the rest of the alcohol was stocked. He wove his way through the crowd and tripped an old schoolmate he used to persecute when he was younger, and brushed past a very voluptuous Birdo who almost sent him flying when she swung her prominent hips his way. Muttering an expletive, Toadsworth soon reach a small door and opened it. Then he went down the stairs and broke several priceless wine bottles as he cackled maniacally.

"Woo! I feel so young and rejuvenated! It has been a while since I last broke the law! At least two weeks," he noted to himself, recalling the robbery he had performed with Bootler and Goompa with a fond smile.

Toadsworth fiddled with his stick and opened a lid that was hidden at the tip, causing the liquid to drip slowly and leaving a very thin trail behind his path. He made his way back to the entrance of the casino hastily, puffing as he did so, and lied to the guards about a fight that had erupted inside the building. "Whew..." Following his sigh, the old man took out a lighter and put fire to the trail, under the suspicious eyes of a turquoise-shelled Paratroopa.

"Mayde! Mayde!" yelled the moronic turtle as he flew at top speeds towards Toadsworth to tackle him, only to miss by a wide margin and end his flight in a mailbox. Unfazed, the mushroom removed his ski mask right before Parakarry who looked confused. "Wait, where did that man go? I will travel across the world, searching far and wide each criminal to understand the felony that's insi-"

"Lad, please be a dear and shut up," Toadsworth smiled, a ticked off expression on his face. "By the way, could you accompany me to the castle? Oh, and by 'accompany' I mean, 'carry me'!"

"Sure thing, hot babe!" Parakarry grinned, a goofy expression etched onto his face.

"MORON!" everyone that was in the vicinity suddenly yelled at him.

…

As per the counselor's demands, Parakarry lifted him up on his shell and carried him all the way to the castle, where Toadsworth was quick to write a letter of recommendation for the flying turtle. The dumb Paratroopa accepted the paper and was told to present it to some guards.

"Hey!" Parakarry shouted in the ears of several Toad like an idiot. "Look at what I got!"

Toadass scanned it with a raised eyebrow. "Hmm... Sure? I don't get why you'd want that but... If you really want to, I can let you visit the dungeons..."

"Awesome!" Parakarry cheered happily, following the Toad. Four steps later, he was brutally assaulted, gagged, tied and disposed of with the rest of Toadsworth's annoyances.

In his dressing room, the princess' aide nodded to himself. "That will teach him not to mess with my game show!"

A short while later, when he woke up, Parakarry would praise the absolutely wonderful decorations of his new abode. "Truly a magnificent sight to behold!" he noted with a posh accent, impervious to Jojora's glare.

…

Toadsworth walked on stage, waving at the numerous inhabitants of the Mushroom Kingdom who had come all the way from all over the country to watch the show...and drool upon seeing their dashing host. "Hello everyone, to the Mushroom Coliseum! I am-"

"Hey there sexy!" flirted the Pianta lady from before in a seductive tone of voice. Toadsworth stared at her in annoyance, before his eyes widened in shock. He pinched his nose hastily.

"Lady, what the heck did you do?" he asked, agitated.

"I told you, didn't I? I put on more perfume! Cocotine Chanel, if you must know!" she elaborated, oblivious to the fact that near her, the rest of the spectators had fainted.

"That's it!" Toadsworth yelled angrily. "I'm going to call the firemen!"

Thirty seconds later, the Pianta was doused in water and sent back to where she belonged: the pig pen.

"Now that that is taken care of... Let us get on with the show, without any interruptions this time! I hope so anyway." He glared at the crowd, but some people began to have orgasms once they locked eyes with the host, prompting him to put shades on. "Last time, Lakilester was brutally murdered, in a joyous display of gore!"

Everyone cheered, and Bombette, who was in the crowd, exploded. This caused small fireworks to erupt in the room, and these fireworks formed the following message: "The bitch deserved it!".

"Settle down, children," Toadsworth raised his hand in the air, a merry smile on his face. "I am sure everyone rejoiced when he died!"

"You bet we did!" a certain waiter with a red tattooed star on his cheek, called Steven, replied. "And we're hoping Lakilulu's next!"

"I would have sued the show if he hadn't died first," added Sepron, a dark green Cobrat. No one knew if it was his natural color, or if the promiscuity between him and the fat stinky Pianta woman had an effect on his skin.

"Hmm... Well, I can tell you we have some interesting footage about the players. On with it!" Toadsworth declared grandly, the huge screen behind him coming to life.

…

A banquet was dressed in front of the remaining twenty one contestants. A huge banquet, full of numerous delicacies, some of which none of them had ever tasted. As such, these people were a little skeptical, thinking the food might be poisoned.

"I'm not eating anything unless you guys sample it before me," Boo claimed, his arms crossed. "Or, maybe we could force feed this food to Lakilulu, just to make sure it isn't poisoned."

Flurrie raised an eyebrow, her face distorted by concern. "But darling, what if it isn't poisoned? Surely, you don't intend to give this abomination of a character decent food? I would understand if it was dog food, as she is a bitch, however, I strongly disagree with your take on the matter!" the wind spirit voiced out. She was very interested in anything that involved food, for a strange reason.

Lakilulu growled in anger and stepped menacingly toward Flurrie. "Listen here, you fat cow, I am not a bitch. Wendy is a bitch. You are a bitch. Queen Beetch is a bitch. Bitch is a Peach. I'm a queen, and you should all bow before me and ask for my pardon. Also, Luigi, make me a sandwich." Too afraid to go against Lakilulu, the green-clad plumber ran to the banquet and started making the national bitch's sandwich, making sure to put as many disgusting things as he could inside.

"fuk of u fukin ginga da onli rezon u ddnt di yet wuz kuz we gon bet u up rly hard bich" Queen Bee retaliated with a quip of her own.

"And after that everyone will wonder why people find these stories extraordinarily rude, but since they use such vulgar words every little sentence, it doesn't come as a surprise," Donkey Kong noted with a small sigh.

Next to him, Rosalina put a hand on his shoulder and smiled to him soothingly. "I understand your pain, Donkey Kong, please note that I would never use such derogatory terms myself as I find them extremely rude and obnoxious, but these people are our friends and as such we should be accepting and make sure to understand that they come from different backgrounds and have also different visions." Donkey Kong smiled at Rosalina, and she blushed. Birdo and Luigi took notice of that, while Daisy took notice of Luigi taking notice of the exchange between the primate and the woman.

"wats derigetriali I meen da foks dat word bich" the famous rapper had a hard time wrapping her head around such an abstract concept.

Wario had been silent for the most part, just like Wendy, but after a while they could not hold it anymore. "I CALL THE BEANS!" "GIVE ME MY CAVIAR!" The pair shoved everyone to the side and dashed to the buffet, followed quickly by the actress who, in spite of her age, always felt up for eating.

The smug Yoshi glanced at Tiny Kong, a smirk appearing on his face. "Well, if you want the alliance to still stand, you need to carry me to the banquet and fill my plate with a desirable amount of food." Tiny's left eye twitched in anger, but he complied, not about to pass up an opportunity to be in the public's good graces.

While Boo remained suspicious of Toadsworth's motive for the feast, he eventually gave in, after Peach had shoved a chicken wing down his throat, causing him to slap her, which in turn prompted the princess to respond with another slap. So basically, they were engaged in a slapfest, and everyone looked at them in amusement.

"Stop slapping me!" Peach whined, still keeping at it. "I didn't know you would take it personally..."

"Are you dumb or idiotic?!" Boo shouted, dodging one of her slaps. "YOU FREAKING TRIED TO KILL ME!" he raged at her. Peach laughed.

"Nonsense! I was just feeding you, like I would with a child!" Boo's eyes almost went out of their socket. "You were a little too white for my taste, so I thought you lacked some vitamins! Especially since you were red at the beginning of the game."

"I had been sprayed with your blood since you were all moronic enough to lose before the game even officially started! Raaaaaaaah!" Boo banged his forehead against the table.

Toodles made a clapping sound at the end of the table, trying to catch someone's attention. Immediately, Dixie turned to look at the hag with a big smile. "Can I help you?"

"Why yes!" Toodles laughed delicately, pointing to a plate that was situated a mere distance away from her. "I am so sorry to trouble you so, my dear, however I must ask that you bring me this delicious lobster. Unfortunately, I am unable to do it myself."

"No worries, I'll be doing it!" Dixie smiled stupidly, letting the posh lady have her way, yet again.

Mario's righteous mustache moved up and down in wonder. "Wait a minute Dixie! My splendid mustache is telling me that something wrong is happening right this moment!"

"Really?" Dixie seemed flabbergasted, while Toodles only raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, someone is taking advantage of another person and I absolutely loathe when that sort of thing happens!" Mario raised a pumped fist in the air as everyone but Yoshi glanced at him in awe. The green dinosaur settled for a V-sign.

Peach gasped suddenly, whipping her head in Mario's direction, her long blond locks slapping Boo in the face in the process. "Thank goodness you're so intelligent! So, who took advantage of who?"

"The real question is: who fucking cares?" Yoshi rolled his eyes. Lakilulu threw a spiny at him.

"Shut the fuck up you rude obnoxious bitch!" she yelled at him in anger. "You're not going to steal my spotlight, you overrated slut! Go back to your isle where everyone screws everyone like the uncivilized morons they are! Ugh! The nerve of some people, how dare they go against me, the prettiest girl the world has ever known? They-" Lakilulu continued to ramble.

"Why didn't this cunt get brutally murdered at the slaughterhouse? Right where she belongs, with her friends, the hogs and sows?" Birdo insulted angrily. Lakilulu scoffed at her.

"Well, I'm right here with you, aren't I?"she replied with a smug smile. "Did anyone ever tell you that you had an ugly snout?"

"Why you-" Birdo jumped on the table, making it crack under her weight. Flurrie dove like a gracious swan to save the different plates of food that would otherwise crash to the floor, and cradled them like they were her babies, while Birdo was busy throwing forks at Lakilulu and making her scream.

"Oh my GAWD!" she shrieked as the utensils pierced her skin. "You bitch! I'm bleeding!"

"So she is human after all?" Waluigi mocked her. Goombario was here to act like the smartass he is and correct him.

"Well, technically she qualifies as a human being, but she is not a human. Humans do not have shells for example, they are much more taller than your average Lakitu. Also, humans tend not to be complete assholes to everybody, they do not look as vicious as this creature... But I have to admit that we also have humans redheads... Truly, they shame their species. You should be ashamed of yourself, Daisy!" Goombario spoke up, and ended up getting beaten up by the temperamental princess, as well as Waluigi who was getting tired of the Goomba.

"Everyone should stop derailing the conversation. How about we put it back on the main focus here?" Tiny tried whoring herself out to the cameras, waving obnoxiously at the table.

"I agree!" Mario agreed in agreement as the terms were agreeable. "Now, as I was saying, someone here should be ashamed! Yes, I'm talking about you, Dixie! How dare you serve Toodles and not the rest of us? Aren't we friends?! Ostracizing different groups of people is bad!" The hero did not realize how hypocritical the words coming from his mouth were and caused the blonde monkey to cry.

"Aww! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to!"

Wendy looked at her in approval. "Yeah, well, you can get started right now!" she mouthed in a rather loud voice, allowing the others to see the food she had been chewing on. "Where the heck is my caviar? I demand you give it to me at once!" she barked, unaware of the giggling Toodles who was busy eating it.

"Sorry, but I already gave it to Toodles!" Dixie apologized profusely, bowing in front of Wendy who used her as a doormat.

"WHAT?!" she shrilled in anguish. "Toodles, you're going DOWN!" And another conflict erupted at the table, involving yet again the rivals and the slave.

Rosalina shook her head, seemingly hurt. "All this violence... It's so sad."

"Oh shut up you Mary Sue!" Toad yelled accusingly. Rosalina tilted her head to the side.

"My name is Rosalina Caprio, not Mary Sue. You must be confused." Both Toad and Boo slapped their forehead in frustration.

"They're really going at it!" Tiny laughed. "It reminds me of my audition for 'Mushroom Wars', everyone was fighting each other to have a main role in this blockbuster movie! But what they don't know is that the director was more interested in me, I pretty much obtained the last role a month ago, though they've yet to contact me for the details."

"Oh my!" Flurrie gasped in amazement. "I am so glad we will both make it in that movie! I too, was contacted and signed a contract last week for the last main role! We have so much in common, darling. That's it, we have to go shopping together when it ends. And you too, Queen Bee."

"l 2 da no"

Tiny Kong nodded her head until she realized something. "Wait, how did we both get the last role? It's not possible, is it?"

"Why, that is correct. I didn't think of it that way," Flurrie was puzzled.

"No kidding," Boo rolled his eyes. "That just means that Tiny was never chosen by the producers, probably because she sucks too much and is a wannabe whore."

"What?!" Tiny exclaimed. "You mean I won't be involved in this epic fight against Tatanga? What about all the artifacts we'll have to retrieve? Are you telling me I won't do any of that?" She glared at Flurrie angrily, who was oblivious to the hatred coming from Tiny's being.

"That is most unpleasant," Flurrie sighed.

Peach smiled. "What a nice dinner it is!"

Boo groaned. "How dumb can you get?"

…

Back on stage, Toadsworth laughed with the crowd. "So much tension! Just how is it going to end?"

"With BLOOD, GUTS, and GORE!" the audience cheered happily.

The princess' aide chuckled merrily. "Yes, it shall end like a certain casino! It can only go up in flames! Now, let's see... The only people not involved in conflicts so far are Boo, Peach, Yoshi, Mario and Snifit. I think the rest is pretty much involved in at least a fight. Of course, I am not counting the Lakilulu factor since everyone wants to get rid of her."

"Why didn't Snifit get screen time?" his mother whined. "My Snifit-poo! All alone in this deceitful world!"

"Yeah! Stop rigging this shit, stupid bitch!" Lakitu accused, his verbose-self as colorful as ever. "Toadsworth is the ultimate twat! He should be attacked by an army of dildos hungry for ass!" Toadsworth seemed peeved.

"You are simply jealous because I didn't appoint you to be my co-host!"

"Fuck you!" Lakitu was mad.

"Off with his head!" Toadsworth proclaimed. "Guards, take this insolent to the dungeons, where he belongs!"

A screeching Lakitu, mouth full of expletives, was dragged out of the room by strong guards. The counselor let out a sigh of relief.

"Now that it is finally over, I wish to make a brief pause. Let us proceed to the advertisements! So, I'll-"

"Stop right there!" A Toadette with long brown hair cascading down her shoulders interrupted. The audience stopped talking, as she was a celebrity in the Mushroom Kingdom.

"Aren't you that pro-"

"Yes, it is I, the great Kaiimi!" the Toadette claimed, evading the undergarments that were now thrown on her by the excited public. "Anyways, you will not get away with this Toadsworth. My intellectual propriety is copyrighted as you should know, and since some of your contestants were dumb enough to spoil certain aspects of my next movie... I take you responsible for airing this segment and I demand a monetary compensation. So you better cough up the money or do something to make it up to me, or else I'll bring this case to court!"

"But it was basic information!" Toadsworth defended.

"I don't care!"

"FINE!"

…

_Teketeke-_

"Oh no!" Lakilulu yelled as she ran for her life from a psychotic killer dressed in black robes. The dumb bitch tripped on a tiny pebble even though she was flying on her cloud and turned her head in a dramatic fashion, as the murderer brought down their scythe on her body.

**SLICE!**

An image of Lakilulu's corpse cleanly cut in half made it to the screen, with the words 'GO SEE THE TEKETEKE SERIES RIGHT NOW!' on the top of the screen.

Lakilester walked through woods that seemed haunted and made his way to a suspicious-looking mansion, apparently called 'The Manor of Horror' along with the other Paper Partners.

"I slept with your girlfriend Kooper, and let me tell you she sucked in bed!"

Kooper glared at Lakilester. "Are you sure you aren't the one who sucks in bed?" The others chuckled at the blue-shelled Koopa's joke.

"He thinks he's so hot, but there's no way he ever lit my fuse!" Bombette added as she charged at him, making him stumble into the manor. The others closed the door hastily and listened in as Lakilester got teared to shreds by zombies, had his blood sucked by vampires, thus confirming Kooper's theory, was haunted by shadows and ghosts, and perished in an inferno, but not before getting stabbed by every single weapon in the mansion. Once the noise was gone, the rest of the cast struck a pose in front of the mansion.

Lakilester's mangled corpse made it on screen, a suspicious brown substance on his face as vampires pranced around his body. 'GO SEE DEVIL'S MANSION' was written in big capital letters this time.

Lakilester and Lakilulu were both bitching about others in Princess Peach's castle, when suddenly the group disappeared and left them all alone, which was a tiny mistake as the two horrible beings started tagging insanities on the walls.

"Professor Gadd, you must help us!" Toadette pleaded him on her knees. "Please, you have to do something."

"Well, I do have a virus in store that could completely wipe out the entirety of the planet, but wouldn't that be a little radical?" The cast ignored him.

"My body's ready!" Bowser claimed, breaking out the virus.

"Yeah, there's literally no other way," the others agreed as they infected themselves with the virus in order to take out Lakilester and Lakilulu.

An image of Lakilulu and Lakilester, dead, as usual, made its way on screen. They were surrounded by dancing zombies partying...hard. This time, the words coming up on screen were 'GO SEE ZOMBIE MADNESS!'.

_The precedent images may or may not have been altered to make the movies more appealing to the general public._

…

"Now that this shameless advertisement is done..." Toadsworth glared at Kaiimi in contempt, "...let us go back to our game! When we left the group, they were in a state of high tension! I wonder how it will end up? Hopefully, in bad way for Lakilulu."

The public cheered and stared at the giant screen behind Toadsworth.

…

"This is the last straw!" Wendy roared in the ringing ears of Luigi, who was now cowering like a pansy at the princess' feet. "We will defeat Saggy Tits if it's the last thing we do! Now, I know that I'm not really one for speeches-"

Yoshi sneered at her from a distance. "Obviously. Not like you'll ever be a leader, haha!" Wendy flipped him the bird, losing the last remaining fans she had.

"Anyways, minions! This is war!" exclaimed the pink-shelled Koopa. "Our goal is to defeat the opposing army. But to do that, we need weapons! So...does anyone have any?"

"Well, I would hate to resort to this, but if we ever need weapons desperately, I would be more than happy to lend you some volumes of the most famous encyclopedia of the Mushroom Kingdom," Goombario offered as he reached for one of the books he was carrying. "Nothing lethal for anyone that is cultured enough, however it can kill idiocy at first sight! And I do intend to make good use of that knowledge in the nearing skirmish."

Daisy showed her javelin and brandished it in the air. "This weapon shall slain my boyfriend! Or well, what used to be my boyfriend, I guess."

"So it's official between the two of you?" Birdo asked her friend. "Now I can help murder him brutally without the fright of being killed in return? Because he kind of insulted me last week, calling me fat behind my back."

"Girl, get your act together," Wendy rolled her eyes. "That was a fact, not an insult." Birdo growled and slapped her. "No slapping your superior, bitch!"

"Everyone, leave me that Whoralina!" Toad told them with a decisive nod of the head. "I'd have done her in but they confiscated the bazooka I illegally took with me when we departed for this shitty hellhole."

"Language!" Rosalina scolded him from a distance.

"Toad, what the hell are you on? We're going to fight Toodles' army," Daisy reminded him. "She's part of neither alliance."

"What?! You tricked me!" he shouted accusingly.

Wendy rolled her eyes. "Listen, we wanted to make it fair, but Toodles actually cheated and asked Dixie to help her. Plus you were easy to trick, so it's your own fault."

"Oh yeah? Well, I defect!"

The fat Koopa improvised quickly. "Toodles said you didn't deserve your place at Smash Brothers."

"Let me at her!" As Wendy smirked, the others could not help but shake their head at Toad's idiocy.

…

Meanwhile, at the opposing end of the soon to be battlefield, Toodles was making sure her own troops were prepared. Gauging them with her acute eyes, the old lady smiled. "Darlings, let us give it our best try. If we rid the world of our enemies, we shall be praised by the nation. Wouldn't that be just splendid?"

"Oh yes, it would definitely be awesome!" Dixie cheered as she read the lines Toodles had prepared for her. "But how can we fight without weapons?" she wondered aloud.

Luigi held up his hand tentatively. "I have a nunchaku!" he demonstrated a few 'feats' of his and ended up smacking the weapon on his face. Waluigi snickered and pointed at him like a moron.

"As for me," the lanky individual began to say, unsheathing his sword at the same time, "I have the perfect weapon to fight these morons at a distance! It's a very practical sword!" he was still trying to get it out of its sheath.

"Hmm... I wouldn't have defined it as practical," Wario pointed out to his partner-in-crime who was now holding a sword as long as a pole used for pole-vaulting. "Also, how the heck did I get dragged here when the food's at the table?" he realized suddenly.

"Well, you seemed to have a strong dislike of Birdo," Toodles noted, "and I remembered that Daisy forced you to kiss her, so you could kill two birds with one stone if you were to join our side. Also, my fans will send me cookies that you can have for yourself if you help me." Her arguments were convincing enough for Wario, who nodded in reply, drool already appearing on the corner of his mouth.

…

While the two sides were getting ready to go on the offensive, an individual was preparing a mixture of his own, next to a small fire he had created in order to cook his herbs. The individual in question was the ignorant Snifit, who had absolutely no clue about what was about to transpire.

"Duude, that's so wicked!" he voiced aloud before reading the sheet of paper that accompanied a present that had been sent to him by his fans. "I was kinda sorta out of ecstasy...but some random guys gave some to me! Thanks a bunch!"

The red-clad individual was at the very center of the battlefield, unaware of the fact that war had been declared. Even the noise made by the trampling feet of the battlers was not enough to disrupt his peace. "Mmmh! Should be ready in a few," he grinned, rubbing his hands together.

…

"CHARGE!" everyone yelled at the same time, rushing to meet their opponents. To the side, Yoshi was eating popcorn, reveling in what was to come. Him and Tiny were betting on who they thought would die, and who would get out of the fight unscathed.

The skirmish was going on for a few minutes only, but an ominous red mist, created by the one and only Snifit, took possession of the battlefield. The red-clad individual danced a little before inhaling a huge amount of toxins. "Aaaaaah... This is the life," he chuckled, laying down on the ground and thus narrowly avoiding one of Birdo's forks.

Instead, the fork planted itself in Lakilulu's left eye, prompting her to scream bloody murder and roll down a hill, hitting various pointy and jagged rocks before barreling into a surprisingly thick bunch of brambles.

As the battle progressed and the morons kept missing or hitting themselves with their weapons, they breathed more and more of the noxious air, and began to act in an uncharacteristic fashion.

"Daisy, I hate your guts!" Luigi screamed at her and started using the nunchaku...effectively. Enraged, Daisy punched her ex in the face and sent him flying away.

"You should not have said that to me!" Daisy fumed, running after his body at speeds unfathomable to the human mind. He had yet to reach the ground that Daisy had already run her spear through his body at least five times. Fireworks representing a female cat made their way in the air.

"Told you my useless brother would die first!" Mario laughed with Peach on the sidelines, ignoring the shocked expression on Boo's face.

"No! The ginger killed the pussy!" Waluigi yelled, alerting a furious princess of his presence. Daisy and him raised their weapons and dashed towards each other in what should have been an epic clash of weapons.

However, Waluigi was feeling unwell because of the toxic air all around him and did not see Snifit's body on the ground. Thus, he tripped over him and dragged his weapon to the ground in the process. The elongated sword struck the soil and got stuck in a mossy area, causing a baffled Waluigi who had forgotten to let go of his weapon to raise up in the air, as if he was in the Olympics. Unfortunately for Daisy, she could not stop in time and met the sharp edge of the sword, which sliced her body in half. Her spear left her hand and another firework showed up in the sky, this time displaying an orange wig.

Somewhere, an individual in black robes made a strange sound.

"YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! WAAAAALUIIIIIIIGIIIIIIII NUMBER ONE!" Waluigi cheered obnoxiously and danced like a ballerina. Snifit had been awakened by the horrible voice.

"Wooow... Trippy dude!" He imitated the purple-caped individual and spun around on the tip of his shoe while holding the other with his stubby arms.

A short distance away, Goombario kicked Birdo in the snout and ran away from her, his dictionary ridden by punctures made by the pink dinosaur's infamous weaponry. "fuk da fukin bich yo fuk of fuk fukin fuk" Goombario expressed himself in a very strange way, he was probably affected by the poisonous cloud that had settled on the battlefield.

"WAAAAAAAAAA-"

"STFU!" Goombario yelled, smacking Waluigi with a book. The disoriented man fell over...

...right onto Daisy's spear, which impaled his body. A purple stick was formed in the sky so as to announce his death.

"brens ova bron bich" Queen Bee stared at Goombario in annoyance but said nothing.

Meanwhile, Dixie and Toad were engaged in combat. Toad was faster, but Dixie nimbler. Toad was a ground-orientated battler, while Dixie was an aerial fighter, so they were at a stalemate, until Dixie bust out her ultimate weapon: her electric guitar.

She started playing so horribly that the discombobulated mushroom was unable to assault her, opening him to her strongest attack. "Out here whipping my hair all crazy baby!" she sang, following the lyrics to the perfection. In doing so, she whacked Toad over the head several times in a row with her lengthy ponytail, knocking him out.

"Doing it like I'm at work, I'm making that thang jump, I'm making that thang twirk, I'm-" the blonde monkey was interrupted by Queen Bee.

"bich stop steelin ma chtik. im da poopstar u fuken ho, n im da tru quen so stfu wit ur ginga song no 1 liks dat rhena kunt b sids she 2 beezy getin beet up by doush bron" the ultimate singer chastised her with a long sermon for her standards.

As for Toodles and Wendy, the two of them were missing form the battle. Without their general to guide them to victory, the remaining survivors were lost and ceased the fight. Well, almost.

"I demand answers!" Lakilulu shrieked, her voice grating as always. "Who dared lay a finger on my beautiful being? I would execute everyone this instant instead of trying to find out the delusional culprit that tried to cripple me, but since I'm so much prettier and generous than the rest of you, I decided not to. Especially since now that I have a disability, I can use it to my advantage to defraud the system and earn even more money while doing nothing!"

Donkey Kong got rid of her by slamming his fist against her skull, sending her hurtling in the horizon. Everyone but Boo swooned, causing the primate to blush.

Dixie smiled and started opening her mouth. "DK! Donkey Kong!" she busted out her guitar as the others' eyes widened in horror. "He's the leader of the bunch, you know him well, he's finally back, to kick some Lakitu's ass!" she revisited the song briefly before someone slapped a hand over her mouth.

…

Toadsworth addressed the public with a wink. "Wow, that sure was exciting, wasn't it?"

"No it wasn't! Give me my money back!" an angry Cheep Cheep yelled. He was promptly shot and disposed of in the nearest sushi restaurant.

"Looks like the death tally went up! Lakilester, Luigi, Daisy and Waluigi are now out of the running. Who will be next? What kind of strange events will occur in the Mushroom Coliseum? What happened to Wendy and Toodles? When will Lakilulu die? Will Snifit keep on being a public hazard for the others? Stay tuned everyone!"

* * *

><p>Since his chapter took so long, I decided to make it longer. At first I had cut after the break, but then I realized that it wouldn't make much sense, and that I would probably have a hard time fleshing out the next chapter (I mean, I would have needed to find another event to talk about taking place just after the bloodbath or something).<br>BTW, sorry for the lack of Wario this chapter, I realized that there wasn't much I could do with him this time around. Also, since Waluigi, Daisy and Luigi all died, I wanted to give them a little more screen time before their untimely demise.

Please don't be shy and review, telling me what you liked and/or what you didn't like.

Until next time ! ^^


	7. Duel Time!

**Admiral Bobbery** : Haha, of course Lakilester would die first ! Thanks for the review, I'm glad some absurd things make you laugh. A good list of favorites, I say. Concerning Toodles, it's true that she's a really strange pick but I'm glad I decided to use her in spite of her obscurity. Her interactions with Wendy are always funny to write.

**Moley** : Nope, you're not hallucinating ! If you like moronic death, expect some more this chapter ! The references to Kaiimi's stories with Lakilester and Lakilulu dying was pretty funny to write to be honest ! Thank you for reading !

**Kaiimi** : LOL. Poor Tayce, always getting insulted by her friend. You're welcome for the references, it was very fitting once I got the idea of having fans raining on Toadsworth's parade. quen b da tru quen yo all deze bazik biches got no talnt lol. Thanks for the review !

**Sepron** : You know how I came up with your character ? I type 'Sepron' on google and saw the picture of a green snake. Since Cobrat are from Super Mario Bros 2 which is one of my favorite games, if not THE favorite I just couldn't not make you into that species, lol. I do agree that it's hard to kill some characters because they all have something funny to them so I just try to think of an event and see who could die and who offers the least possibilities. Sometimes I also simply kill a character once I believe they've had a fair amount of spotlight. There are some exceptions, though... Thanks for leaving a review !

* * *

><p>7 : <span>Duel Time!<span>

Toadsworth smiled fondly as he stared with mirth at the sheet of paper he was holding in his hands. The dreamy old mushroom was examining a report of his bank account, and he nodded with satisfaction upon seeing that he now had ten times the money he possessed before the start of the game show. "Aaaah," he sighed contently, shaking his head at the same time. A small grin made its way onto his visage, "I will never tire of my fraudulent ways. This is so satisfying, knowing that you can do whatever you want and still get away with it!"

Engrossed in his reading, the counselor did not see a certain intruder barge into his room and looking at his document over his shoulder. It was only when the individual started screaming like an absolute moron in Toadsworth's ear that the host realized he was not alone.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" a certain yellow blob-like creature shouted as he flew everywhere inside the room at alarming speeds.

"Aaargh!" Toadsworth exclaimed, ducking low to avoid the unidentified flying object. "By my grandfather's marmalade! What is going on here?!"

"Sir? Do you have a problem, sir? SIR?!" yelled someone from behind the door.

Toadsworth crawled under his desk and managed to reach the door. He opened it rapidly and as soon as it happened, a Koopa clad in armor burst inside and tripped over Princess Peach's aide. "Wuuaaaah!" A loud crashing sound rang into the room as the Koopa hit a wall and fell unconscious.

"What did I do to deserve such incompetent guards?" Toadsworth wallowed in his own despair for a second, before glaring at the UFO in anger. "And would you stop screaming like a moron? You sound like Daisy's child!"

"YEAH! YAHOOOOOOO! I DID IT! HOT STUFF!" the thing grinned and dashed towards the old mushroom. The cunning counselor rolled to the side and avoided the creature who easily changed its trajectory and tried to plow into Toadsworth.

"Stop it!" shrieked the old man. But the thing was relentless. Soon enough, Toadsworth became annoyed because of this game of cat and mouse, so he assume a batter position and swung his cane with all of his might, successfully hitting and incapacitating the yellow critter. "So who was that bitch?"

It was none other than Luma.

"Oh no, not this stupid thing!" Toadsworth was quick to dial the number of some guards and ask them to rid him of both Luma and the dark blue slash purple Koopinator. They ended up with the rest of the disturbances: in the dungeons.

"Dang! Now it's time to host the show... Why am I always disturbed during my me time? Why?" Toadsworth cursed his bad luck, before waddling to the huge stage reluctantly.

…

Hurrying to the stage, Toadsworth wiped a little bit of sweat from his forehead as some of his rabid fans started screaming, fainting, frothing at the mouth and opening their mouth so as to catch the precious droplets of perspiration that escaped the fungus' body. Toadsworth made a disgusted face, but he quickly recovered. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back for yet another live show of the Mushroom Coliseum! I am Toadsworth and I-"

"Stop right there!" yelled a feminine voice who belonged to none other than the famous Toadette, Kaiimi.

"Not that bit- Err... What do you want now?" he asked, trying to control his temper which was very difficult to do for him at this point.

"We want special privileges!" Steven the Koopa replied with assurance. "Like, we're not asking for too much. Only stuff like a private booth from where we could see the show and stuff, like you know?"

"You're starting to remind me of a certain valley girl I shall not mention in public," Toadsworth mumbled to himself. "Are you sure you're not related to her? And who the fuuuuuuu-lmination are you anyway?" the host caught himself before swearing in front of a huge amount of people.

"I'm Steven Idile. You know, the guy who hosts like, tons of game shows and stuff?"

"So you're a nowhere, right?"

"Waaah! You're so mean to me!" sniffled Steven as he used Toadsworth's vest to blow his nose.

"You BITCH!" Toadsworth screamed in anger before slapping a hand over his mouth. "Crap." Kaiimi snickered as she held her camera high. She and Steven high-fived each other.

"Now we have proof that you have insulted an innocent man publicly, it's on the tape. If you don't want to go to court, I suggest you accept our conditions," the brown-haired Toadette blackmailed the old man.

"Fine, fine! I'll give in to your demands!" seethed Toadsworth, his voice laced with venom. Then he turned to the dark green Cobrat who, for some reason, was wearing a dark purple top hat. "And who are you exactly?"

"I'm Sepron, and I'm err- I'm hmm... Something?"

"Then I don't see why I should give you V.I.P access," Toadsworth pointed out. Thankfully for Sepron, his friends came to the rescue.

"He's one of my favorite accessories, I always use him in my movies," explained the producer as she held Sepron by the tail and brandished him as if he was a magic wand. "See how rigid he looks like? He makes for a perfect magical weapon!"

"Hey! Unhand me at once!" Sepron tried to break free from her grasp but he was tossed to Steven.

"You can also use him like a toy dog!" cheered the turquoise-shelled Koopa as he made a knot with the Cobrat's body. "Doesn't it totally look like some kind of doggy thingy? Like, you know, the rope thingy they play with?"

"OW! My back! Let go of me you idiot!"

"You're a snake, you shouldn't have a spinal column," Toadsworth pointed out with a raised eyebrow, somewhat skeptical.

"Don't question Mario logic!" Sepron screamed, flailing around like a Magikarp.

"And also, you can use him as a lasso! So fetch!" Steven winked, showing off the Cobrat's prowess.

"I feel...dizzy." Six seconds later, the poor dark green creature barfed almost everywhere and the show had to be postponed.

_One hour later..._

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back for yet another not-so-live show of the Mushroom Coliseum! I am Toadsworth and I will be your host for tonight!" Toadsworth proceeded to glare at the three V.I.P and used his finger to make it look like he would slit their throats. "So without further ado, let's go back into the fray!"

…

After their fistfight during the recreation of World War III, Wendy O' Koopa and Toodles had been rolling downhill. However, unlike Lakilulu, the two of them had not been stopped by thick bushes and had continued their course, only to find themselves in a dark cave. Trying to ignore their distaste for one another, the two women joined forces.

"Well, I know it is not in my habits to do so," Toodles started as she pinched her nose, disgusted by her unlikely teammate, "but I suppose I will have to bear with you in the meantime. However, this alliance of ours is done as soon as we return to the others. I cannot have your dirty presence sullying my righteous name."

Wendy growled at her in anger. "Not like I want to be seen with a fossil full of semen from the hours she spent whoring herself out on the streets just to get enough money for some plastic surgery!" snarled the Koopa princess.

"Well, you're one to talk," sniffed the glamorous Toadette as she sashayed her way further into the cave, a disgruntled Wendy following suit. "After all, these lips of yours do not fool anyone."

"I was born this way!" justified the pink-shelled Koopa, ready to assail Toodles at any moment.

"If by 'this way' you mean 'ugly', then I will have to concur," chortled the older one. Wendy huffed, passing right next to Toodles and sending her toppling to the ground in the process. She ran her fingers on the rocky walls of her new abode in wonder.

"This cave's pretty dark and damp," Wendy declared. "Mossy too."

"Darling, that's what caves are known for," ridiculed the classy Toadette.

"I know, right?" Wendy fake-cheered, an apparent smirk growing in her face. "Does that make your pussy a cave then? Because I'm pretty sure the description fits." Now it was Toodle's turn to be annoyed.

"Dearie, you must stay objective when looking inside a mirror. Clearly, your description does not fit my lovely female cat, however it does work when comparing it to that black hole of a mouth you have."

"Why you! I'm going to destroy your sorry face!" Wendy roared, lunging at Toodles. Indeed, their alliance did not last long at all.

"Hey! Would you two bitches shut the fuck up?!" Lakilulu demanded in annoyance. The orange-haired Lakitu had been sent off by the others to look for the missing rivals. At first, she had bitched about how it was unfair and how she had to do all of the dirty work, but a minute later she had realized that maybe the others were starting to understand that she was a great individual with many qualities, and that she was the most qualified out of everyone to search for missing people.

The truth was far different, but the deluded Lakilulu never once thought that maybe, just maybe the others wanted her to go away for a moment, a long one if possible.

Wendy and Toodles glanced at each other in mild irritation. "Truce?" Wendy proposed.

Toodles nodded. "It would be best to postpone our dispute. Shall we?"

"Yes."

Lakilulu flipped her hair to the side and rolled her eyes at them. "Hello? Earth to ugliness! Do you copy me? Are we done here or what?!"

"Hello, Earth here! We do copy you, ugliness!" Wendy chuckled. "And no, we're not done yet!" With that, the rivals jumped onto a shrieking Lakitu and started to pummel her happily.

…

Even though the players of the game were supposed to kill each other, most of them were lazying around like lizards, not the least bit worried about what could occur in such a dangerous area. Actually, they had all created a small camp near the place where the feast had taken place. It had not taken them a lot of time, excepting the sleeping arrangements which were still discussed (no one wanted to sleep next to Lakilulu). Tiny Kong and Yoshi were off to the side, in deep conversation.

"Can you believe it? What does she have that I don't?" Tiny asked to her alliance partner who gave her a shrug in response.

"Maybe she's more liked because she can shut her mouth once in a while?" he suggested with a smirk.

Tiny rolled her eyes at him. "I'm sorry but she's always blabbering and saying how much she loves food, so that's not one hundred percent exact." A pause. "Wait, did you just insult me?"

The king of overratedness dismissed her with a wave of his hand. "What gave you this idea?"

The simian girl smiled at him in relief. "Sorry, I probably misunderstood. But like, Flurrie is so stupid, how could the producers give her a main role in a movie when she's not even capable of reciting the entire alphabet in one go? She doesn't know how to count up to ten!"

"She's got the physical attributes for the role, attributes that you don't have," Yoshi sighed to himself, already bored. Tiny seemed shocked for a second.

"No way! I'm like, ten times more athletic on a sick day than her. Look at how flabby she is! Look at me, I could be a model!" she flaunted her own physique and took many poses.

"For goodness' sake, I didn't mean that! I was saying she had big- You know what? Never mind. Do you really want that role so bad?" Yoshi feigned interest in her situation, just to further his own agenda. Tiny Kong nodded like crazy. "Then it's easy? Just kill her, you'll get her role."

"Yoshi, you don't seem like it, but you're actually smart!" Tiny hugged him.

The green dinosaur pushed her off his personage. "Back off! You touch me, you cancel the guaranty!" She groaned as she hit the dirty ground.

"But how am I going to kill her? I have many plans in my head, but no material to achieve them!" she looked at Yoshi pleadingly.

"Minions!" Yoshi called out, staring at a camera that was filming him for above. "Listen to your king. For his sake, please give that stupid attention whore whatever she wants! I beg of you, do not disappoint me now or else I will not show off my talents in that stripper's club anymore!"

Immediately, tons of materials were sent to Tiny Kong, such as bazookas, rifles, machine guns and things like that. However, she had plans of her own and skipped away from Yoshi happily.

"Finally! PEACE AT LAST!" Yoshi raised his arms in the air cheerfully. "Thank you all, my fans!" Unfortunately for him, peace would not last.

"Yoshi!" Peach screamed his name into his ear before dropping a basket full of heavy fruits onto his foot. "Whoopsie! Sorry, I didn't mean to do that!" she giggled at him cutely, unaware of the painful expression that was on his face. Bending down to retrieve the basket, she knocked him to the side with her explosive derriere.

"This...is not peace," the dinosaur mumbled.

"I need you to in the jury for the competition!" Peach exclaimed. "Don't forget to come, it will be fun!"

…

Tiny Kong stood before an elaborated hunter trap. "This is perfect!" she clasped her hands together, cackling evilly as she placed an apple on the ground, tied to the trigger of a gun by a white thread. "When Flurrie sees this apple, she'll automatically make a run for it, and once she takes it... BAM goes her head!"

_Five minutes later..._

Flurrie walked next to the tree and began salivating as she looked in direction of the apple. Immediately, she darted towards it and Tiny almost did a little victory dance, but something seemed odd to her: Flurrie showed no sign of slowing down.

"My babies!" the wind spirit laughed as she grabbed a bag of chips that were a few meters away from the apple. "Who in the world would choose to eat something sane when they could have fattening greasy food? My, my, I suppose some people have simply no taste whatsoever."

**FAILURE.**

The blonde monkey planted a sign which read 'If you are Flurrie, please jump three times on the wooden bridge' into the soil with great strength. Then, she placed a machine gun in a large bush and hid behind a tall tree, waiting for her prey to approach. Thanks to a needlessly complicated mechanism, Tiny did not need to be right next to the weapon to fire it.

Soon enough, Flurrie walked onto the bridge and squinted her eyes to get a better view of what it meant. "Why! What a polite sign! Very well then, I shall jump three times onto that bridge if it pleases you so."

Flurrie jumped two times into the air, effortlessly. It was very peculiar considering her density. The third time she jumped, though, her body slammed hard into the bridge and it collapsed, sending her tumbling in the water just as numerous bullets rippled way above her, missing the famous actress completely.

**FAILURE.**

Tiny Kong wiped sweat from her forehead with her arm as she supported herself with a shovel. She was inside a very deep hole that she had dug in order to trap Flurrie. Inside the hole were various explosive substances which were near the bazooka shells she had acquired thanks to Yoshi. Using her famous Ponytail Whirl technique, Tiny escaped from the hole and covered it with leaves before hiding in the shadows.

Flurrie and Goombario walked near the hole a short while after. "...so I told my sister, who is an ingrate by the way, that it was no way to talk to her elders. She had just insulted Goomama, our grandma, saying that she was a sleazy ho bag, so I had to intervene. It was simply distasteful and disrespectful at the same time."

"Alas," Flurrie shook her head dramatically and closed her eyes as the duo was now a mere feet away from the trap. "Nowadays, a lot of values go down the drain..."

"Yes, you are absolutely right," Goombario nodded, glad to have found someone who was not too bothered by his preaching. "The worst thing in that case was that my mother actually congratulated Goombaria and told me to 'fuck off'. I was absolutely scandalized by such behavior, so I made sure to make my voice heard, howev-aaaaaaaah!" Goombario fell into the hole while Flurrie glided over it with no problem whatsoever.

"It is an obligation. If no one tries to voice their complaints, then a lot of pent-up aggression will be built between individuals, and it will erupt and possibly destroy a good relationship," she nodded to herself, opening her eyes. "Goombario? Wherever did you go?" Flurrie wondered in puzzlement. "Oh well, he probably had something else to do," she deducted smartly before leaving the scene just as Tiny Kong set off her trap, blowing Goombario to smithereens.

"Yes, I did it!" the monkey pranced around happily. She stopped once she saw the picture of a dictionary in the air.

**SUCCESS...?**

"DIXIE!" Tiny bellowed angrily. A few seconds after the call, her sister could be seen racing toward her in the distance. "If you want to make your little sister proud, then you will kill Flurrie. Understood?"

"Okay, no problem!" Dixie nodded her head. "I have a lot of experience killing people!" she grinned dumbly. Tiny crossed her arms and left everything in her sister's care before departing to throw every single thing that had been given to her by Yoshi's fans into the water.

…

Meanwhile, Birdo was staring at Snifit sharply. As a stylist and fashion designer, the bright pink dinosaur could not tolerate anyone stepping on her field of expertise, and the drug addict was dangerously close to threatening her.

"Yooo gurl!" Snifit greeted her, his eyes hazy. "Man, why did ya organize this contest stuff? Damn, you're disrupting my schedule," he complained.

Birdo folded her arms, sniffing at the red-clad individual. "Now that this pansy of Luigi is dead, I only have one remaining problem: you. We will settle our score here and there and make the best fashion show ever! Of course, I'll probably win over you anyway, but I'll prove to the world that I'm the best stylist there is!"

"Geez, that's so sad," Yoshi commented as he arrived with Peach. "Such attention whoring... But it doesn't really surprise me that much, I guess you didn't get much love when you were young with that face!" he mocked her and went to his jury seat. Birdo growled in anger.

"Yoshi's so silly sometimes!" Peach giggled. "I mean, it's not that Birdo didn't get much love, it's more that she didn't get any at all." Now Birdo was fuming.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BUNCH OF LAKILULU!" raged the stylist, prompting everyone to stare at her with hurt eyes.

Mario shook his head and shed a tear, but not two as he was a strong independent man who did not need no one to console him. "That was very low, Birdo, even for your standards."

"ye rite imma mak her a new ol if she dunt stfu dis instent" Queen Bee had a disapproving look on her face, her raised middle finger correlating with her innermost feelings.

"Stop exaggerating," Boo rolled his eyes on the sidelines. He was to be a host since most of the others were also participating. "If you push her buttons too much, it's no surprise she'll snap at you." Peach went to the ghost and patted his head, causing him to blush.

"Look at my bestie!" she smiled. "Trying to act all smart like a grown-up! You don't have to prove anything to us Boo, we still like you even if you're not very apt at understanding people. You don't need to impress us, we all like you!" Now Boo was red...with anger. So he slapped the princess. "You're so mean, I can't believe it! You're really a Lakilulu!"

"I don't disagree," Wario accepted Peach's statement as if it were the truth, "after all, he did kick me in the nuts that one time when I had diarrhea at Lady Bow's party. How could I have known that she was right behind me when I couldn't hold it anymore?!"

Suddenly reminded of the fact that he was the one who had to mop the floor after the incident, the white-spherical being attacked the obese man's groin with a wooden plank that was lying nearby.

Rosalina and Donkey Kong were too busy exchanging stories about their daily life, so they could not see that, behind them, Toad was making barfing gestures. Speaking of the mushroom, he was on the lookout for any signs of Toodles who had supposedly laughed at his attempts at making SSB.

Lakilulu returned with the rivals and smiled in approval as she heard the numerous 'YOU LAKILULU!' that the players were hurling at each other. "Finally, they realize how great I am! Preach it, useless scumbags!"

…

On stage, Toadsworth threw a hot cup of coffee on Toadbert. "I asked for a latte macchiato, not a cappuccino you dumb fuuuuuurry," he almost cursed but was able to catch himself this time. The old counselor was not about to give away some of his hard-earned money to the bigwigs of Channel 64.

Straightening his jacket, the brown-capped Toad coughed one time into his mike, a deafening noise resounding into the room afterward. Mustering most of his remaining energy, the old man made his next announcement. "Another one bit the dust! Indeed, Goombario fell victim to Flurrie's luck and Tiny's deviousness! Not to worry though, as he will be rejoined by a few others by the end of this emission."

A broad smile enlarged Toadsworth's mouth as he continued. "But before the dreaded fashion show occurs, let's take a small pau-"

"Hold it!" a dark blue Bob-omb with a sailor hat, on which rested a red bobble, interrupted the host as he arrived on stage. Toadsworth looked at him with his piercing eyes, already thinking up of ways to eradicate the small being when said living bomb introduced himself. "My name is Admiral Bobbery, and I would be most pleased to have the honor to stay with the rest of the V.I.P for the remainder of your marvelous show," he lauded Toadsworth.

Looking at the V.I.P lodge, the princess' aide gave his permission. "Of course I will, my friend."

"Stop! By the great Blabberton's beard, you are being deceived!" the true Bobbery stepped out in the open, hiding his bottle of liquor behind his back. Toadsworth raised an eyebrow. "Come on Toadsworth, you can't let that young trickster fool you! I am your friend, Bobbery! If anything, I should be allowed in that lodge!" he puffed his chest with pride.

"This was hard," Toadsworth testified in a post-leg interview. "To be honest, I didn't give a fuck about Bobbery, so I hardly remembered what he looked like... I had to take some drastic measures to be sure of my choice..."

"Very well... The one who passes the test...will be allowed in the lodge with the three stooges," Toadsworth decided firmly. "Bobbery was out at sea while Scarlet died a horrible way."

Immediately, the true admiral burst into tears and rolled on the floor, crying her name out loud while the fake Bobbery started laughing out loud. "That skank had it coming!"

"Guards, take this weeping old man away! I would never dare associate with such a loser!" he ordered.

"Yay!" Admiral Bobbery grinned as he joined the others. Happy with his decision, Toadsworth picked up Bobbery's liquor and hid it in his breast pocket not so discreetly, but none of the spectators were smart enough to realize that it had been the deciding factor for the old man.

"Well, since we don't have much more time, screw the advertisements! Let's see the show for ourselves!" declared a snickering Toadsworth.

…

A small stage had been erected in the meadows the contestants had been occupying since the very start of the game. Donkey Kong had made most of the heavy lifting and was sweating a lot due to the strenuous activity. Seeing the sweaty male seemed to have captivated Rosalina and Birdo, though the latter was still glaring daggers at the former. However, she had other matters to attend to and could not settle her grudge with the space princess yet.

In any case, the stage was actually made of the long table used for the feast that had been thrown in honor of Lakilester's death as well as the numerous crates that had been sent to Tiny Kong and the designers by the viewers at home.

In front of the stage, four impatient persons were waiting for the show to commence: they were Yoshi, Peach, Queen Bee and Mario. Boo had been recruited as the host.

"Ladies and gentlemen, hogs and sows, I welcome you to the most shitty fashion show ever hosted in the Mushroom Kingdom!" he raised his hands in the air enthusiastically, so no one understood that he was dissing them.

"Everyone, please meet our jury!" Boo designated the foursome with his middle finger. "We have a stupid princess with a very low I.Q., Peach Toadstool!"

Peach blew kisses at the imaginary audience that was behind her, completely missing the fact that the camera was next to Boo. "Thank you my fans!"

Hitting his forehead with his hand, Boo went on. "Next, please meet the most overrated character ever created! His fans are crazy twelve-year-old twats who would gladly give away their virginity only to be able to lick the sole of his shitty shoes! It's Yoshit, everyone!" the ethereal being chuckled to himself as he insulted the dinosaur.

Yoshi smirked. Ten thousand groupies fainted.

"Coming all the way from Honeyhive Galaxy, the queen of beetches herself, Queen Bee, will be joining our jury to give us her stupid opinion about the designers' outfits! Now, we all know she's a little slow in the brain department, so please ignore whatever she says and only focus on the grade she'll give after each presentation!" he trash-talked the rapper.

"by ma new ablum onli 69 cons da cd thx biches" she shamelessly advertised. "o n if beeyons watshz imma tel her to fuk of kuz shes a slut n a fuken fam whor hobag kunt skank wen I find her shizz ded k? o n 2 rhena I just sey lol go bak 2 getin beet up ya ugly ginger"

"And finally, the moronic hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, a bigot in all of his splendor, rumored to having jumped countless Goomba, making him the most infamous rapist of all time, joins our jury! You can count on his non-biased views – AS IF – to give his truthful opinion on the costumes designed by Birdo and Snifit! Welcome, Mario!"

"Let's all have a good time!" Mario exclaimed cheerfully, punching Lakilulu in the mouth.

"On the pink side of the stage, we have Birdo! On the red side of the stage, we have Snifit! Let's give it our all, everyone!" Boo retreated away from the commotion to clean his tongue with soap.

Birdo's first model was Rosalina. She was wearing a dark blue mesmerizing gown which billowed behind her as she advanced gracefully towards the jury. A slit on the right side of the dress let her expose a bit of her leg as she posed for the four raters. Once she returned, Snifit's own model came towards the jury. Tiny Kong was wearing a flashy pink thong and a rainbow bra for only clothes. Her face was coated with heavy make-up making her look like a vulgar prostitute and her hair fell down on her ass. She made a few suggesting poses and exited the scene.

…

The jury huddled together in order to determine who had won the first round.

"I quite liked Snifit's outfit for Tiny," Mario pointed out with a hearty laugh. "I feel he captured Tiny's essence to perfection! Look at her, she's never been more in character!"

"Agreed," Yoshi nodded, confirming Mario's thoughts. "Rosalina was a bit meh, I don't feel like Birdo tried too much with her. But Tiny? Damn, Snifit did a good job. She was the ultimate attention whore."

"I know!" Peach smiled. "I don't think Rosalina's dress was appropriate for her, it revealed too much skin. On the other hand, Tiny's outfit was up to my standards, it wasn't very shocking."

"wat a bich" Queen Bee commented.

…

The second round opposed Wendy, who was on Birdo's team, to Toodles, who was on Snifit's side. As luck would have it, the two tried to step on each other's toes and attempted to trip the other as well. Toodles was wearing a tight corset with pink fluffy fabric on the trim, as well as a creamy garter belt. Because of her old age, her skin drooped low, and Boo decided to wash his eyes with soap to forget the horrific sight. Wendy wore a classy blue blouse and had matching leggings, not not mention dark blue high-heels. Her usual bow had been replaced with a chestnut wig that fell behind her shoulders.

…

"I don't know for you guys, but Birdo loses this match for me. Yet again," Yoshi grinned as he imagined her furious reaction to losing. "She just shouldn't have picked Wendy as a model, it was a definite mistake on her part."

"#2spooky" admitted Queen Bee. The usually upbeat and defiant diva had experienced her phobia, even she was not above being afraid of something.

"Toodles was kind of desirable. At least I didn't lose my boner upon seeing her, unlike what happened with Wendy," the red-clad plumber shook in fright.

"I could have given Birdo my point, if she had put the wig correctly on Wendy!" Peach explained her point of view in a smart way, at least to her. "It was obviously back to front! Who would want to expose such an ugly face to the world?"

…

The third round opposed Donkey Kong to Wario. The hulking primate was wearing a red tank top on which were adorned his initials in gold letters. His bulging muscles could be seen with ease, and even his white tracksuit, which was wet, allowed prying eyes to discern his marvelous body. On the opposite side was Wario who was wearing a simple trash bag. The nefarious man marched on proudly, unafraid of the public's opinion.

…

"dam dks hot I wana bed dis bich so bad I cud spil ma hony rite nao" Queen Bee testified, trying to calm her needs. "tho id sey dat otha guy wuz cray cray in a gud wey"

Yoshi sent a blank stare her way. "Girl, get your eyes checked. There's only one handsome hunk here and it's me."

"o rite sry bout dat" she apologized to the green dinosaur.

"Did you notice Wario's gait?" Peach questioned the others, trying to sound like a pro. "He seemed like he was in total control, as if these clothes had been made for him! He was so confident he earned my vote!"

"Well, the clothes were made for him," Mario pointed out to the daft princess. "Nevertheless, I shall agree with you. As a national hero, I want our citizens to be truly happy no matter the circumstances they may face – unless they're a minority in which case I send them to prison – and Wario showed us that he felt comfortable with himself! Snifit wins this round, I think."

"ima folow u like a sheep 4 1s in ma lief kuz dey wer both gudlukin"

"I'll clinch it," Yoshi gave them a thumbs-up.

…

The decision had been made. Birdo and Snifit were in front of the stage and their models on it. The spectators, Flurrie, Dixie – who had been unable to destroy the wind spirit, Lakilulu, her hair tangled, and Toad, a murderous intent in his eyes, were all gathered near the podium. Boo cleared his throat and was ready to make his announcement.

"The jury has spoken, I now know who won this competition," he tried to build up suspense by staying quiet for a minute but a 'FUCK!' resonated in the area, followed by the sound of a neck being snapped and noisy pink fireworks displaying the word 'Bitch' in the air.

"Oh my, I can be quite ditzy at times!" Toodles fanned herself with her hand as she cast a sideways glance at the corpse of a certain pink-shelled Koopa that had 'unfortunately' fallen from the stage.

"Ugh, you know what? I don't care anymore!" Boo threw his hands in the air, frustrated about the whole situation. "Birdo got destroyed by Snifit and lost all three rounds!" Unnerved, the ghost left the premises to calm himself.

"Booya!" Snifit started to dance like a ballerina before taking out his lighter to smoke some more weed. "Dayumn, who'd have known I'd beat the fashionista herself?" he spoke a little too loudly.

Birdo was livid. Extremely livid. Not accepting her defeat, the pink dinosaur stormed towards Snifit, ready to gut him alive. She rounded the corner of the stage a little too abruptly, however, and tripped onto Snifit's knocked out form, tumbling forward and getting impaled onto Wendy's spikes. Not a minute after that, a fuchsia sow could be seen in the sky, symbolizing Birdo's death.

"Ooooh! So pretty!" Peach clasped her hands together, right next to Mario.

"Indeed, more so than the actual thing," he could not help but add.

"Well, well, well," Toodles laughed to herself, shaking her head at Wendy's limp form. "It looks like I did end up winning our little strife, didn't I? Of course, there was nothing too sur-" She did not have the time to finish her sentence as Toad bashed her head with a hammer, killing her instantly. What was funny, though, was that Toodles fell forward as well and her hand landed onto Wendy's, as if they were two friends who had died together.

"What's that?" Yoshi asked Peach and Mario when he arrived with some popcorn, wanting to admire the fireworks himself.

"Looks like a dry shroom," Mario noted smartly. "A fitting comparison! Mariohohoho!"

Back on stage, Rosalina was scandalized by Toad's behavior and was quick to chide him. "Toad, you must fight these killing urges of yours, they are very bad for your image and will never make you happy. Imagine all the grief you will have once you realize what you have done to poor Toodles. Not Toad, you should never take away anyone's life. No matter how unlucky your perceive yourself to be, always remember that you were the only spermatozoon which made it inside your mother's ovum, so you technically are lucky. This is a fact, Toad, you cannot go against science," as Rosalina tried to talk some sense into him, the mushroom was busy trying to determine which weapon he would use to execute her. During her lecture, Rosalina turned her back to him.

Meanwhile, Tiny had climbed down the stage and was currently yelling into Dixie's ear. "You worthless sister! I told you to kill Flurrie! How hard could it be to kill such a huge target?!"

"I'm sorry, I'll do everything to obtain your forgiveness!" Dixie knelt in front of her sister.

"Just... Ugh! Go kill yourself or something!" Tiny stormed away as Dixie nodded her head with a smile. She found a nice cliff and threw herself from it, her body hitting sharp rocks. Soon afterward, her fireworks could be seen in the sky.

"lemmy gues dis 1 biches... mm, it loks lik sum kinduv dik w/out bals"

"That would be a pink banana," Yoshi deadpanned, prompting Queen Bee to say that she knew that.

"Interesting, I thought it was a boomerang myself," Peach laughed happily, not realizing that the four members of the jury were actually having a good time over their friends' deaths.

"-and think about what your parents would say if they knew what you had done. Surely, they would not be proud to have a murderer in their family, would they? Killing is not an answer, Toad. If you so wish, I could give you some counsels. Let's spread love all over the planet and be friends with everyone!" Rosalina chirped. Unbeknownst to her, Toad had found Snifit's lighter and wanted to use it to burn her alive.

"DIE BITCH!" he shouted as he leaped towards her. However, just as he was about to reach her dress, the princess walked a few steps away, barely avoiding the assault. Toad's momentum was too strong though, and he could not stop in his tracks. Lighter still ablaze, Toad tried to correct his trajectory but in a very unfortunate turn of events, Wario, who had his back turned to him and had consumed canned beans could not hold it any longer and let out a powerful fart which blasted part of the stage in the distance. The nature of his gas was highly inflammable, so it transformed Toad into a blazing torch which died down two minutes later, leaving a crisp body behind.

"Looks like it is the grand finale! Yay!" Peach clapped, as did the other three as they saw a red Smash Ball appear in the sky, trolling the poor mushroom even after his death.

"dam dat wuz awsum but it stil sukd ass konpard to da fiyawoks in my vidoe klips like u av no idea. but den sum poor ppl r angri at me 4 no rezon dey sey I culd hlep a carikatur instead uv blowin ma muni. but ya no i giv no fuk bout dem bichz so I tel dem to blow ledi sass' dik n dat I got no tim 4 uzles pplwho wont by my ablums btw did I tel u guyz 2 by ma new ablum? its kold 'I got no talent but my booty makes up 4 it' plz by it thx biches" Queen Bee exposed her point of view, making sure to include a subtle reference to her work in there.

"Ugh, who cares about your stupid career?" Lakilulu suddenly got in the rapper's face for no reason whatsoever except that she had not gotten a lot of spotlight that episode. "I'm much smarter and more beautiful than you'll ever be. I don't even have to work to get paid and-"

"fuk yo bich" Queen Bee punched the Lakitu in the jaw before throwing her in a bear's cave. Shrieks were heard moments after as the group shared a good laugh.

…

"Woot! That was fun, wasn't it?" Toadsworth winked at the camera as the crowed went wild. "Can you believe it? Goombario, Wendy, Birdo, Toodles, Dixie and Toad all met their demise this episode! We're slowly but surely approaching the end of this Mushroom Coliseum and Lakilulu has yet to die... How can that be?"

"Let her suffer some more!" "Just kill her already!" "I like seeing her hurt!" "Lakitu are the best species ever!" "Are you crazy you moron?!"

"Well, her fate is not in my hands," remarked the mushroom. "In any case, thank you all for watching and see you next time!"

* * *

><p>Sorry for the long wait, but here's the next chapter ! I don't expect this story to have more than 9-10 chapters so we're really nearing the end.<p>

Thanks for putting up with my erratic update schedule (or more like my lack of schedule whatsoever) !


	8. Calm Before the Storm

**Kaimi** : Thank you for the review ! I'm conscious that it might seem strange for the two of them to die before the midway point, but I wanted other characters to either make it further or shine a little more. Wendy and Toodles had a lof of screentime, which is why they died, lol. But I agree, I loved writing their arguments. Queen Bee is successful...even though her songs are crappy. XD

**Rockin Bros** : I'm trying my best to make the deaths stupid since it's a parody, but I agree with you. I think Toad's especially stupid, while Dixie's dumb because it took her only an order to kill herself, lol. Thanks for the comment !

**Guest** : I'm not a very big fan of Luigi in general, and I needed some characters to die really early which is why he was in the story. Daisy and him were always going to be dead at around the same time because I wanted the couple to settle their difference on the battlefield ! Thank you for the review.

**TheJoker21** : Yay ! I'm happy I made you laugh with this silly story ! Thanks for reviewing !

**Luigified531** : And to think I almost thought about relagating him to a position of secondary importance, lol. I'm definitely glad to have kept him as the host and prominent character as well, Toadsworth is pretty fun to write for ! Thanks for the support !

* * *

><p>8 : <span>Calm Before the Storm<span>

Toadsworth stood on the tallest building of the capital of the Mushroom Kingdom: Toad Town. From the highest peak of the city, he watched over the people, strong and impervious to the apocalyptic weather around him, his bushy mustache twitching in wonder as the smell of crime brushed past his sensitive nostrils.

"I smell an heinous act amidst the shitty feces left behind by the hobos of this city!" he proclaimed loudly, raising his cane in the air and getting electrocuted by an incoming ray of lightning. However, Toadsworth did not perish.

No, he was destined for great deeds and would never fail his people...

The old and smelly mushroom burst out laughing as he brushed off the derisive power of the voltage coursing through his body. Princess Peach's counselor was changed. Actually, he was no longer the princess' advisor. Yes, he was a far superior entity: Super Amanita!

Garbed in a bright pink sexy jumpsuit, which gave him the buxom figure he adored and worshiped before his computer or in his bed, and coiffed by a feathery mane which cascaded down his shoulders, along with a leopard cape that billowed under the strong wind, Super Amanita made sure to correctly replace his growing mushroom with one swift move and jumped down the building he was standing on, slaloming skillfully between the lightning bolts thrown at him by Huff N. Puff, an idiot he had scammed the day before.

But Super Amanita felt no remorse since his cloudy opponent was a bad guy and deserved no pity, even though he had been reformed for the past fifteen years.

However, Super Amanita did not realize that his actions had more impact than what he envisioned, and so he flew in the dark and perturbed sky, unaware that a certain mustachioed Koopa fell to his doom, shooting a well-placed and final 'TALLY-HO!' after trying to imitate his favorite hero.

Fist extended before his frame, Super Amanita navigated the streets of the busy Toad Town expertly. As he turned around the corner, though, he was unaware of the presence of a certain orange-haired Lakitu slut who was also known as the biggest attention whore of the world, and went by the pseudonym of whiner extraordinaire. He made a sharp turn and had no time to stop in time, causing his outstretched limb to decapitate the troublemaker that was floating around, trying to nag someone, because he was breaching the speed of sound.

The bitch's head flew in the starry night and flew right into the hoop of the Koopa Supreme, giving victory to the Lame Toasters, Toad Town's local basketball team. Another good deed to add to the list!

"I'm really surpassing myself!" chuckled the old Super Amanita, swerving to the left and reaching his destination. Then he stopped for a moment and realized that he might have killed an innocent being, before realizing that someone posing as Lakilulu was probably as bad as the original. Behind him, the alarms of a prestigious Art Museum went off, and guns were being fired, but Super Amanita ignored the screams of agony of a nearby pedestrian, thinking the police could take care of the burglars.

Instead, the superhero's sense of justice sent him to an ice-cream parlor, where a little Toadette was sobbing on the floor. Knowing how to approach children, and graduate from a prestigious psychology academy, Super Amanita soothed the little girl. "Hello dear, what seems to be the problem?" The little girl only cried in response, unable to keep calm.

The superhero waited five seconds before tapping his feet on the floor. "Shut the fuck up, you little bitch!" he shouted at her and picked her up, shaking the Toadette like a can of soda. Dazed and feeling nauseous, the child could only barf.

Unfortunately for her, it reached Super Amanita's red high-heel, and he screamed in horror. Baring his fangs, the superhero gave her a well-deserved kick in the guts and she was sent sprawling in the street, unconscious. The parents immediately darted for the superhero and shook his hands, forever grateful for shutting up their daughter. "I did what had to be none, no need to thank me!" he exclaimed with his usual swag, leaving awestruck parents behind him.

The hero was not done yet, for there was one last problem he had to deal with. He made his way slowly toward the backroom and found the mastermind behind the great misdeed. There, a young Toad boy was licking an ice cream.

"Halt! Thief, I shall put an end to your nefarious and vile crimes!" Super Amanita claimed with a booming voice, causing the entire room to shake and rumble. The abomination stared at him with round and puppy eyes.

"But... Mister... I did nothing wrong..."

"Ha! So you say!" Super Amanita was a perspicacious mind, and did not fall for the infant's ploy. "I know that you have stolen this ice cream from your bitch of a sister, and while I know that she certainly deserved it, I must right a wrong!"

Frozen at first, the Toad suddenly cackled. "Who cares about her!" He began licking the ice-cream in a provocative way while the hero fumed silently. "Plus it's my parents' place, so what's theirs' mine too! And that includes this baby."

"I am a man of many schemes myself," chuckled the superhero, narrowing his eyes afterward. "But you will not fool me. En garde!" With one precise punch, the kid was thrown against the wall and the ice-cream saved by the hero. His job done, Super Amanita exited the building with the cone in his hand and threw it behind him to its rightful owner, the passed out Toadette.

But the child was in no capacity of receiving it, and so, it splashed on the ground.

Super Amanita would later be informed that a valiant policeman that tried to arrest the robbers of the building of art had died just as he was going to corner the criminal mind behind the thievery, slipping on the ice-cream and tripping over the girl's limp frame and fracturing his cranium against a block of cement that lied about.

A tragic end, alas, but nothing the mushroom man could have helped with. After hearing the news, he received his part of the loot thanks to Goompapa who was passing by. He had been diverting the attention of the police by giving random testimony and accusing innocent bystanders while Bootler was in charge of the burglary himself. Thanks to his connections and the irresponsibility of the princess of Forever Forest, the old ghost managed to perform an act of disappearance on the plunder.

One of the paintings even made it into the hands of Tayce T., a dangerous opponent Toadsworth had been trying to get rid of for years. He rubbed his hands satisfactorily and retired to his quarters for a well-deserved night.

…

Toadsworth woke up with a start.

Then he turned his head and screamed.

A long and powerful scream.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Let me take my breath for a second," he gasped for air, inhaling intently, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Next to him, dressed like Eve, was the sultry Kammy Koopa. She winked at him playfully as she twirled her rod and looked at his with appetite. "Heeheehee!" she cackled with glee, licking her lips. "How are you doing, handso-OOMPH!"

Princess Peach's adviser had pushed her off the bed. "How dare you lay a hand on the beautiful Kammy Koopa?!" yelled the furious woman, staring at him angrily. Then her wrinkles softened as she lowered her eyes.

"GUARDS!" shouted Toadsworth. "Take her away and lock her up in the dungeons! Make sure this witch doesn't escape or ELSE..."

"Oh... I get it," the old hag smiled cunningly, fluttering her eyelids, "This is another one of your kinky games... As you wish, your Pervertedness!" she guffawed loudly, not even putting up a fight while she was taken away by the mushroom's security.

"The hell she was doing in my bedroom? Gah, I'd rather have Tayce, and everyone knows how much I despise her!" ranted the counselor, trembling as his mind tried to unravel the mystery of Kammy Koopa's presence in his bed.

"Let's see," he rubbed his chin, thinking back to his night. "In the dead of the night, I soared through the skies and righted some wrongs. Then, I returned to my humble abode," Toadsworth recalled, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of the situation: how could he live in such a rundown shack? An old man like him needed at least five acres to himself, with tiles of pure gold!

"Goompapa gave me my part of the loot and I learned through Bootler that Tayce had acquired one of the paintings, so I decided to blame her for the robbery, however...my memory is fuzzy at this point. Ugh, could I be a victim of my own stratagem?" wondered the incredulous old man, reminiscing the numerous times he had made usage of LSD. With a shrug, he started to file some paperwork to indict Tayce for the theft that had happened the night before, when Toadick, a very small Toad, knocked on his door.

"Um, sir? You're supposed to be on stage already... You know, for the game? So someone took over."

Immediately, Toadsworth violently pushed open the door, sending the poor Toadick crashing against the opposite wall and dashed for the building where the broadcast usually took place.

…

"Where's Toadsworth? I demand to see him right now!" shouted Kaiimi the brown-haired Toadette, deftly avoiding the strikes of the new host. "You're going to face my lawyers, I guarantee it!" she hissed, rolling to the side.

Around the space that was usually taken by Toadsworth when he commented what happened in the game, dozens of spectators were cheering and throwing coins, underwear, bras and items to aid the fighters in their brawl.

The VIPs were trying their hardest to repel a simian figure with a long white beard. "I tell you again, moronic whippersnapper! I'm back under the spotlight after more than twenty years! I'm relevant again, and I ain't gonna let you spoil my fun!" Cranky Kong yelled, thrusting his cane towards Steven the Koopa, who blocked the hit with his sturdy shell.

"You are but a senile buffoon!" Admiral Bobbery exclaimed, charging at Cranky. However, because of his old age, the monkey let out a flatulence that almost asphyxiated the Bob-omb. "What's this tomfoolery?! How uncouth and degrading!" he coughed, choking because of the odor.

"Back in my day, the young respected their elders!" Cranky spoke up, throwing his mighty beard towards Sepron the Cobrat. The spineless creature bounced back and was thrown into the crowd of drunkards who began to touch him at inappropriate places.

"You touch me, you cancel the guarantee!" he growled, biting people ferociously. However he was not fast enough. In a last ditch effort to save his life, Sepron invoked the Pianta Lady. "O come forth, smelly fat lady!"

"Someone called?" winked the delicious creature also known as Smelly Fatt. Immediately, people dropped like flies and Sepron slithered back on stage, freed from their grasp.

"You should totally go back to your jungle, 'cause you're just an old fossil. Like, just 'cause you appeared in Tropical Freeze doesn't make you relevant, you just suck!" insulted the Koopa tattooed with a ninja star.

"Tired of me already?! You're lucky I'm gracing you with my presence! I'm much better than this boring and worthless poisonous Toadsworth!" groaned the monkey. Toadsworth obliterated a door right after that and sent his goons to attack the imposter.

"Let me go or I'll reveal your true nature to every-"

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," shrilled the counselor, to cover the sound of Cranky Kong's voice. "I am very sorry for this unfortunate turn of events, we will make sure to take care of him after the show is over," he grinned in a Machiavellian way. "As I'm sure you're all impatient to know about our remaining twelve contenders, let's take a look at what they've done!" As soon as his speech was over, the host activated the giant screen behind him and went to discuss the incident with the V. .

…

On top of a hill, looming over the deep blue sea, two kindred spirits admired the scenery and wished the moment would last forever so they could consume their feelings of love for eternity. A gracious platinum-blonde woman in a regal turquoise dress and a bulky ape wearing a red tie marked with his initials... No one could have foretold the conclusion of their story.

Rosalina stared at the endless ocean, a slight blush spreading over her cheeks. She opened her arms to the horizon. "This is such a beautiful sight... I wish we could stay here forever," she smiled, her beautiful face basking in the shining sun.

Her wonderful image sent tingles all over Donkey's body, who suddenly felt a little cold. His emotions swirled within his soul as he tried to understand this new emotion he felt for the beautiful human. "Rosalina," he whispered, unable to find his words.

Pivoting her head slightly, her uncovered eye traced every muscle of Donkey Kong's strong physique, until they rested upon the ape's own set of shining orbs. "Yes...?"

Donkey Kong gulped with difficulty, but he was unable to divert his attention from the lone cerulean eye staring at him and shining a thousand different hues of azure. "I- I..." Donkey Kong stopped, mesmerized by his mermaid. A minute later, he slowly approached the human's head, and touched her lips gently with his own. "I love you."

Rosalina clasped her hands together and touched her heart, flustered. "I do too. Ever since I first saw you."

"I felt the sa- UAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" screamed the ape as he was shoved roughly over the hill and only managed to catch the edge of the rocky terrain to save himself.

"No!" Rosalina could not help but cry as she spun around and faced a mysterious individual who masked his eyes with a black mask. Even though the rest of the body was clearly visible, the dumb broad could not identity them. "What...? Why did you do that to Donkey Kong? We loved each other!"

"Pah!" the stranger spat on the ground, disgusted. "To make it simple: WHY THE FUCK WOULD WE WANT ROMANCE IN THIS KIND OF SHITTY GAME? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE SOME PEOPLE FALLING IN LOVE LIKE STUPID FIVE-YEAR-OLD KIDS IN STORIES LIKE THIS. IT MAKES NO SENSE, IT'S IDIOTIC, IT'S ONLY HERE TO GIVE SOME SLIGHT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT TO OTHERWISE CRAPPY PROTAGONISTS! I HAAAAAAATE IT!" raged the assailant.

"Temper! Language!" Rosalina chided the masked warrior, somewhat surprised by their outburst. "But even though it is indeed illogical to fall in love when you are fighting for your life, especially in a situation when only one of the two individuals in a relationship has the chance to survive, why would it matter to you?" the space princess reasoned with Donkey's aggressor.

"Why? Well, because as I said, I give no fuck about some half-assed shitty romance. And also because romance doesn't sell, SEX does. So maybe I'd have been inclined to let you fuck each other's brain out, because I'd have recorded it and either sold it to someone interested or just put it on Shroomtube, but no way was I gonna record some sappy romance! Plus Toadsworth said it was bad for the ratings!" argued the criminal mind. "Well, you'll never find who I am! See ya, zoophilous bitch!"

Rosalina smiled a little. "You are misconstrued. Donkey Kong is an ape, and as such, it means that he merely is a less advanced form of life compared to you and I. You could say that he is like one of our ancestors, as Goombarwin would say."

"God compels you, bitch! Goombarwinism? My ass!"

"But God doesn't exist," Rosalina suddenly stepped into a very dangerous territory. Donkey's 'killer' snorted.

"And who are you to say such things? Suzumiya Haruhi?"

"No, I am only Rosalina Caprio. However, I have a friend who is indeed a Goddess, which is why I am able to make such a bold statement."

"Who?"

"Sara Osborne."

"So if she's God, then you're Satan since you're so gofik?" a derisive laugh came from the argumentative and mysterious individual.

"Of course not, how can you propose such a thing? Satan goes by the name of Ebony – or is it Enoby? – Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. And I am no gofik as you state. However my bang does suggest that I am emo." The other shrugged, not particularly interested.

"Okay, I just don't care anymore. You've read too many trollfics. Have a rotten day!" Rosalina could only sigh as she looked at the sea, remembering the good times she had with Donkey Kong, before leaving the premises.

Behind her, a struggling Donkey fought to stay alive. "Rosalina? Could you lend a hand, please?" But the beauty was gone.

…

Mario was fulfilling his role of national hero. Jumping over the hole that Tiny Kong had dug, and where Goombario had fallen to his death, the 'smart' individual chose to fill it with branches and dirt, so that no one would hurt themselves. "Another job well done!" grinned the hero.

However, what he had not realized was the fact that he had not filled it very well, so when he covered it with some gigantic leaves to make it more aesthetically pleasing to the eye, he did not know that a certain green dinosaur would soon fall inside and be decorated with bruises further to his drop.

"It sure feels good to solve problems!" the red-clad Mario cheered enthusiastically, before stopping in his tracks. Far away, he could discern smoke rising in the air, as well as a column of yellow and orange.

"I wonder what it could be," he rubbed his neck, unable to understand what such a thing could be. "It's time to get thinking!" One minute later, he was still striking the same pose and was forced to admit that the solution would not come to him if he did not make an effort.

"So let's see... What is yellow, moves haphazardly, and emits smoke after a while? Hmmm... No, it's definitely not a farting Wario... Usually they don't emit smoke, they drop bombs," Mario furrowed his brow, sign of intense reflection.

"And it's not an angry sun either, because the sun is above me!" Mario deducted intelligently. "I can only think of one thing..."

Gasping Mario slowly showed his expression of horror to the camera that followed his every moves. "A barbecue gone wrong! I must salvage the goods at once!"

Knowing his priorities, the red-clad plumber dashed towards a burning barn, his mind set on consuming the sausages and the kebabs before they got carbonized.

…

"can sum1 kil da bich alredy?" Queen Bee queried anxiously, the burning flame of passion growing inside her soul.

"Which one?" Boo asked, narrowing his eyes at the two girls. "Because as things stand, I consider you both bitches. And I would kill you all to escape this fate but I have a semblance of intelligence and I'd much rather not bloody my hands with the murder of my 'friends'," claimed the ghost, using the word 'friends' in the loosest sense possible.

"Oh, shut up Boo! You think you're so high and mighty, but really, you're just Bow's sextoy!" Lakilulu did the best thing she knew: insulting people for no reason whatsoever.

For some reason, Boo, Lakilulu and Queen Bee, a very unlikely trio, were all located near a pond, washing themselves of the grime that stuck to their bodies. After a few weeks in the wild, people other than Boo suddenly realized that they were filthy and gross, so they had required guidance from the ethereal-being, who had accepted against his better judgment. He was currently teaching Queen Bee how to wash oneself, for the singer usually had servants doing the dirty work (such as Mario), and Lakilulu had tagged around to get tips as well. Of course, she would never be clean since her very soul was tainted, and that was a manner of speaking as she was a ginger and thus had no soul.

Boo fumed inwardly but managed to come up with a witty retort. "At least I'm desirable enough to be someone's sextoy, the same can't be said about you."

"ye rite watevs," Queen Bee displayed a great interest for the discussion that occurred between the other two parties. "im da sexiest bich in da wrld so shadap plz"

"More like the fattest!" Lakilulu bitched expertly, spitting on the idol and showing off her only talent. Queen Bee jumped on her and started to drown her while Boo watched the scene with an interested smirk.

Suddenly, Queen Bee let go of the blue Lakilulu. Two fireworks exploded in the sky almost simultaneously, displaying a brown banana split and the face of a black man wearing a red hat respectively. Five minutes later, a panicked Peach arrived at the lake and shielded her eyes from the abomination that was Lakilulu.

"Guys, it's horrible! Someone died!" sobbed the airhead uncontrollably, her dress stained by her tears.

"Geez, what was your first clue?" Boo asked ironically, still glad for her presence. Peach was ten times better than Queen Bee and Lakilulu in his opinion.

"The fireworks! I think...they actually mean that someone died! It's awful, I never expected a poor Banana Split to die! As for the black person, well, it was bound to happen!" the blonde explained her sorry, prompting Boo to slap his forehead.

"dat niga dizervd it lik im 100% sur dat kunt ddnt by my l8tst ablum"

Peach pointed out the obvious, at least in her opinion. "But that's not their fault, black people are poor!"

"Okay, enough!" Boo roared, tired of the stupidity around him.

"shut yor whor moth bich!" She asked in her polite prose. "I meen shit I ddnt konsidr it but dats stranj koz im uzuly smart n stuf..."

"Well, what you really need to consider is how lame you are!" Lakilulu jeered annoyingly. "The only people you can seduce are morons, drug addicts and other depraved people! Thankfully I'm above that, but the inferior kind like you really can't even think about it. That's why I pity you, your music is soulless!" For once in his life, Boo agreed with Lakilulu. And to purge his sin, he washed his tongue with a bar of soap. Peach used her explosive bottom to silence the dumb broad and Queen Bee threw her body in the woods.

"yaaaaaaaaas twat fly ier dan a modafoka!" grinned the rapper.

"Well, we need you two to bring light to the heinous crimes of Banana Split and Black Man!" Peach demanded. Boo bashed his own head against a tree.

"They symbolized Donkey Kong and Mario! God, how moronic can you get? And why would we investigate? It's stupid! The whole point of the game is for us to kill each other, not to solve crimes! Besides, we never did any investigating before, so why would we start now?" Boo was slowly losing his temper.

The blonde princess shook her head and put her hands on her hips. "Silly Boo! It's obvious why we're doing that! Usually the culprits are named, but for some reason it was not indicated this time, so everyone thinks the purpose of this chapter is to have a pseudo-mystery! Don't you worry though, we all decided that only smart people would work, so you can just sit and relax!"

"dam I thot Boo wuz wit, y is he brite red?"

…

The audience roared happily at the mention of two more deaths. The spectators knew it was getting down to the wire, even though they had trouble understanding that more than half of the players had perished during the course of the Mushroom Coliseum. A Noki in his seventies was particularly delighted to know that Mario and Donkey, two strong alpha males, had died, and was celebrating that fact by waving around a flag on which was written:

"Don't forget to donate the victims' blood to the hospital!"

Next to him, the director of the establishment, Drake Ula, nodded his head in satisfaction. Toadsworth could only raise two eyebrows when his eyes met this duo, because raising three or four of them would have been slightly difficult for one single man. "Anyways, we'll be back after a short moment. In the meantime, please do pay a lot of attention to the following advertisement."

…

A picture of Yoshi smiling handsomely and covered by a single leaf made its way onto screen. The picture became tinier and tinier until, finally, it stopped shrinking and found its place on a brick wall.

_Do you feel lonely at night...?_

"Oh yes I do!" sniffled an ugly Koopa with pizza in her black and unkempt hair.

_Do you like what you see...?_

"Yep! Definitely!" Tails grinned, licking his lips and looking at the Yoshi advertisement as well.

_Do you wish to...meet up with your idol...? The best character ever created...? _

"YEAH!" Tails and the ugly Koopa shouted in unison, now aware of each other's presence.

_Well then, don't wait any longer! Compose the 6969-96744-3825 and talk with your favorite dinosaur!_

"Hey bitch! You better not call, I'll call him first!" Tails waggled his finger in front of the Koopa. She bit him. "OW!"

Smirking, Ugly Koopa took out her phone and started calling Yoshi. "Finally, I won't be single anymore!"

_For only fifty coins per minute, you will be able to hear the melodious voice of the one and only king of overratedness!_

"Alright, who the fuck is playing with me? I need my beauty sleep, goddammit!" yelled Yoshi on the other side of the phone, peeved about the numerous calls he had been receiving. "To whoever's calling, I'll make sure to strangle you all by myself!"

"Oh my god! He said he would touch me!" the Koopa fainted suddenly.

"...the hell?"

_Of course, this isn't our only way to make money thanks to the idiocy of the consumer society, we have even more Yoshi goodies! For example, subscribing to our yoshiisthebest dot com website allows you to admire Yoshi's toned and muscular body...as he strips just for you._

A bored Yoshi is seen kicking his boots off after a very long day. A camera follows his every move as he slowly unbuttons his shirt and lets it drop on the floor. Then he stumbles a little, trying to take of his jeans and falls flat on the floor, growling angrily (of course, to the average subscriber, it sounds like Yoshi is purring). He stares directly at the camera.

"AGAIN? Who's tapping my house? It's the fifth time this week!"

_We also have a vast array of Yoshi merchandise..._

A Snifit policewoman swooned as she tried to refrain from thinking unholy thoughts about herself, her idol, and her usual accessories. Mustering her strength, she took out a notepad. "Sir! Did something disappear from your house?"

"Something?" Yoshi sneered dangerously, very close to his snapping point. "Try EVERYTHING!" he shouted angrily, showing his ransacked home to the police. "They even stole my freaking toilet paper! I swear, I don't know who does that, but they're insane!"

_Hesitate no more, and you'll receive a diaper bought by Yoshi! Subscribe now!_

…

Toadsworth cleared his throat.

The room was empty.

"Well..."

The room was still empty.

"AH-HEM!"

A Noki came back and Toadsworth clapped happily. "I knew you wouldn't leave me on my own!"

"Um, what? I just forgot my purse. I'm gonna buy me some Yoshi stuff!" she skipped outside happily, much to Toadsworth's chagrin.

"I never thought displaying this advertisement would make people go crazy... Thank goodness I am to receive fifty percent of their benefits, otherwise I would have canceled our partnership! Oh well! Are you ready, me, myself and I? For it is time to return to the action! Action!"

The television behind Toadsworth flickered on.

…

There were only ten people remaining in the Mushroom Coliseum. Peach, Boo, Snifit, Tiny, Yoshi, Flurrie, Queen Bee, Wario, Rosalina and unfortunately, Lakilulu as well. They gathered near the remains of the burnt barn and decided to take action.

"wtf is hapnin n e wez y cant u gyz leev me on my on?" Queen Bee pondered over the reasoning behind the actions of her friendly comrades. "no 1 currs bout da ap & malio"

Yoshi nodded energetically. "The girl speaks the truth. Why did you drag me here? I don't care for these peasants. They were just obstacles on my way to the money," he smirked.

Tiny shook her head strongly. "But while you're right Yoshi, don't you want to have a free pass to the next episode? I mean, we're going to find out who killed Donkey and Mario, right? So since we'll be focused on the case, no one will think of murdering others."

"I'm _always_ considering murder," Boo deadpanned. Everyone gasped.

"We have our killer!" Wario pointed out moronically. "So uh... What's next? We party hard 'cause we found the culprit?"

"I said I was always considering murder, not that I did murder someone!" Boo yelled in Wario's face, only to face the repercussions of his act when the obese man belched loudly. The ghost could not help but faint.

"Maaaan... I'm smellin' it from here!" Snifit hiccuped, under the influence of some herbs. "That's radical dude!"

"I pride myself on my superior digestive system," Wario shrugged, a cocky smile on his face.

"So what are we going to do? We need to hold a trial and investigate, no?" Tiny questioned, trying her best to be the center of attention and failing since the obese plumber occupied that position.

"Well, dearies, I say we do investigate. However, since one of us is indubitably a killer, we must choose wisely who shall represent us!" Flurrie proposed rather smartly. "We would also need someone of great intelligence, who would be able to discern the truth from the lies the culprit might have scattered about."

"k bich den I sey u b da invstigatr cuz u pisin me of al da tim n id rather b a suspekt dan 2 stey wit u diskusin fukin niganiz n dat sort of stuf. also ur 2 fat n u tak 2 much uv ma air so yknow y I elekt u," Queen Bee decided to put the interests of the team before hers, in a genuine display of altruism. "n ill be da judj kuz im a gud judj of karakter" Everyone approved of her decisions, mainly because Boo was passed out and could not oppose her stupidity.

"Oh my! I shall put my sleuthing skills to the test!" Flurrie chuckled heartily. "After all, Mario once said that I had potential, but just needed a little bit of experience to show off my splendastic deductive skills!"

"But wait! Who would be your assistant?" Tiny Kong inquired, devising a scheme to get more screen time like the attention seeker she is. "A detective always has their assistant!"

A chorus of groans was heard right after Tiny's suggestion.

"im alredy da judj" "I honestly don't give a shit." "I apologize, but I am far too busy grieving my lover's fate." "I'm tripping in the grass~" "An assistant? But for what?" "Can't be bothered, sorry!"

With Boo completely out of it, only two choices remained: Tiny and Lakilulu. Flurrie winced slightly.

**Flurrie** : My, my, it was the hardest decision of my life, but in the end, I knew I had made the correct choice.

"Well, I decided that I would do it on my own, because there is something odd and suspicious about Tiny... I have felt this way ever since we hosted that fashion show, for a reason I cannot quite comprehend. As for Lakilulu, well... I wouldn't want to be caught dead accompanying this dreaded and unsightly creature!" justified the floating cloud spirit.

"Ugh, likewise!" Lakilulu snorted angrily. "I'm way too sexy to hang around the trash!"

"Is that so?" Yoshi put a finger to his chin, making it look like he was thinking intently. "Because I remember seeing you craving for attention on the streets and rummaging through the trash at every chance you got! Not to mention that you usually hang with Lakilester and Lakitu, and they're both worse than trash." Lakilulu flipped him the bird and started slapping him.

The small crowd erupted into an angry riot, and they started beating up Lakilulu. Yoshi joined the fray and headbutted the bitch, after which he dusted his hands, quite happy. After disposing of her limp form, the team spread out, ready to investigate.

…

Upon entering the barn, Flurrie's keen eyes were able to remark that everything seemed charred. Surprised, the wind spirit moved around and tried to think. Unfortunately for her, it was not something she was used to, and she failed. Still, she managed to give the impression that she was working, thanks to her numerous years of experience in the field of acting.

"Quite puzzling, indeed!" Flurrie remarked. "The furniture is black, and the walls are also covered by a small layer of black dust."

"Wow! Impressing deductions!" Peach smiled broadly, clasping her hands together. "I would have never been able to see that!" Flurrie puffed her chest, boasting slightly.

"Well, when you are as observant as I, it takes you only five minutes to realize that something is wrong," Flurrie chuckled, not realizing that five minutes was a very slow reaction time. "In any case... What is this strange contraption on the ground?" she inquired, baffled.

Peach skipped to the small thing and picked it up. "Look, there's some sort of weird wheel on it!" The princess of the Mushroom Kingdom used her thumb to play around with it and shrieked when a small flame appeared on top of it. She let it fall to the ground in surprise.

"What in the world is this device from hell?" inquired a frightened Flurrie, a hand over her beating heart. "This is the work of witchcraft, obviously." The moronic duo was unable to identify the object as a lighter. "Oh, dearie... I'm sorry but I must ask: where were you at the time of the murder?"

Peach frowned, trying to remember. "Hmmm... I don't know exactly when the murder took place, but I remember seeing Snifit rolling down a hill. He was having fun, so I joined him!" Flurrie nodded.

"Well then, you are not a suspect! Let's try to find some more clues... Look! The body!"

Before the two girls, the burnt carcass of Mario was on the ground, leading them to make one and only conclusion.

"What happened here? I thought only the contestants were allowed on the island, what is that black man doing here?"

"Probably breaking the law as always," Peach shook her head. Just when Flurrie was going to nod, Boo, who had woken up from his slumber, approached the charred body.

"Disgusting! I don't know who did that to Mario, but we'll make them pay. It's one thing to kill people, but to immolate them? Despicable," the ghost commented bitterly.

"Wait, that's Mario? But why is he black?" Peach questioned. Boo sent a bored look her way.

"Are you kidding me? The entire barn burned! Rosalina said that Donkey had been thrown down a cliff, so the only one who's missing is Mario! Besides, why do you think there's ashes everywhere?"

"Ashes? No, Boo... It's obviously black powder to disguise the crime!" Flurrie shouted victoriously. Boo left before committing a murder. "Mmmh... Very suspicious. He seemed very adamant about what he was saying... Perhaps, a little too adamant." Peach and Flurrie looked at each other in understanding.

"Boo... He could definitely be it."

…

Next, the investigator made her way to the cliff where Donkey Kong had been thrown. There, she found Rosalina acting like her Mary Sue self.

"I will remain strong and not shed a tear because that is who I am," lied the space princess, her eyes still red from all the crying she did earlier. But somehow, Flurrie was fooled.

"I understand how you feel... Why, two months ago, I lost someone who was dear to me," a pained expression made its way onto Flurrie's face.

"Who was it...?"

Flurrie burst into an hysterical fit of tears. "My wondrous and voluptuous kindred spirits! I lost them in a manhole just as I left the supermarket. I will never see them again, my oreos!" Rosalina could not hold her tears any longer, the tale of Flurrie had moved her immensely.

"But I shall be strong... I must!" Flurrie declared, casting a glance at the sky. "From where they are, I'm sure they look at me with pride!"

"I would not want to seem rude, but if they fell into a manhole, why do you look at the sky?" Rosalina inquired, curious. Flurrie frowned. She had no idea.

"Well, could you tell me what happened?"

"Very well," the regal-looking woman nodded with a smile. "Donkey and I were together, professing our love for each other. We kissed, but suddenly someone pushed him. I told this person that it was very bad to kill others, but they said they did not care and that romance was sappy and useless in this kind of setting. Then, we had a debate over religion and we left. The whole time, this mysterious individual had a mask over their eyes, so I absolutely cannot tell you who it was... If only I had more clues..."

Flurrie stared at the ground, reflecting over what Rosalina had said. "Alas, there isn't much you can do, darling. If their mask covered their eyes, you couldn't know who they were, and it isn't as though there were other distinctive traits about the aggressor, like their voice, their clothes, their silhouette, their speech."

Flurrie sighed, it would take a lot of debating during the trial to solve the mystery. "This crime was carefully planned, the criminal left absolutely no clue behind. However shall we catch the cunning mind behind this trick?!"

…

The ten remaining candidates had gathered near the burnt barn, ready to discuss and bring light to the events that had transpired over the afternoon. Queen Bee sat on a chair that had been sent to her by a fan, while the others had to settle for the ground. The fat rapper dropped onto her seat and broke it, causing the others to laugh at her.

"stfu!" The powerful ruler put an end to the unneeded mockery that had occurred. For good measure, the threw half of her chair on Lakilulu.

"This is fun!" Peach laughed with glee, prompting Boo to roll his eyes.

"n e wez kourt is nao in sesheun... da fok doz it meen?" Queen Bee had a hard time understanding the intricacies of her new occupation. "watevs lets get dis sho on da rod biches!"

Boo rolled his eyes again as Flurrie spoke up. "Well then, first of all I need everyone to tell me what they were doing at the time of the murder! I already know what Snifit, Peach, Rosalina and myself were up to. The others? I have no clue."

"i wuld diskloz dis informasheun but i feer its gun push da ratingz of dat shity pis of litratur to da m ratngs," warned the the rapper. "butt yas i had a vry gud tim"

Yoshi raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "Tiny and I were together the whole time, so she could not have done it."

"Yeah! I have an alibi! Plus it's not like I was glad for Donkey's death, I mean, I still have to kill Cranky and Diddy to get all the inheritance to myself!" she smiled. "Not that I would kill them or anything, you know me, right?"

"That's _exactly_ the problem," Boo sneered. Tiny whistled innocently. "I can't tell you what I was doing either, but it involved the fatso."

"Who, me?" asked Flurrie and Wario at once. Boo slapped his forehead in frustration.

"No! The fatass rapper!"

Lakilulu rolled her eyes. "Yeah, we all know you dig her, you're such a whore Boo!" she accused vehemently. "Personally, I was busy making myself pretty!"

"And failing, I presume?" Yoshi snickered, getting back at her. Lakilulu could only fume furiously.

"i shooz 2 sey dat she had no alibi kuz i c no improvmnt atol," Queen Bee decided. "n I dunt lik her so shes prolly da kiler"

Then, Wario spoke up. "Huh... I was doing something...somewhere. But I wasn't suspicious at all!" he sweated profusely.

"ye u seam lik ur a nis guy so ur not a suspekt"

"What? He's obviously lying!" Boo objected, but Queen Bee showed him the bird.

"im da judj I kan do watevr so shat ur mouf boobz"

"So, let's move on to another point of the discussion! Rosalina confided in me, and told me that the stupendous wrongdoer was wearing a mask all along, so she couldn't identify him or her," Flurrie stated hurriedly.

"It is most unfortunate, indeed," Rosalina claimed, but Tiny Kong was not thinking the same.

"Well, who's to say that she's telling the truth? Like, she could be lying through her teeth! Maybe she lured Donkey Kong to that cliff and then pushed him? And then she set fire to the rain-"

"overuld. bich u do not advertiz 4 dat fukin fatas or els ima sting yo ass k?" intervened the famous rapper, quick to rectify the blonde-pigtailed monkey.

"Okay, but she still could have done it. She's the obvious suspect!"

"No, darling. While I understand what you mean, it is simply too out of character for Rosalina to commit murder. She was very sad when I met her on the cliff, so she cannot be the murderer!" Flurrie reasoned. Tiny nodded. Boo banged his head against the soil.

"Oh my, this is soooo interesting!" Peach declared happily, stuffing some popcorn into her mouth. "Dis ish sho grate!" Next to her, Snifit nodded, his vacant eyes staring at the food. Understanding his envy, Peach shoved a handful of popcorn into his mouth.

"Thanks sister!"

"Would it kill you to focus?" Boo bellowed, irritated.

"Well, duh!" Yoshi laughed at him.

Flurrie cleared her throat. "In the barn, we found this curious object!" She brandished the lighter she and Peach had uncovered. Immediately, Snifit snapped out of his reverie.

"MY BABY!" he sobbed, throwing himself at Flurrie's lack of feet. "Dude, gimme that, it's mine!" he implored her. The kind spirit returned the lighter to his owner as Lakilulu smirked evilly.

"Ha! I pieced the mystery together!" Lakilulu boasted loudly. Unfortunately, no one was paying attention to her. "HEY! LISTEN TO ME YOU DIPSHITS!" Wario shoulder bashed the cunt, getting praise for his act.

Puzzled, he asked a question. "Why are you guys clapping?"

"Well... Because you hit Lakilulu and shut her up," Yoshi pointed out weirdly. The obese man sighed in relief. "That was the whole point of the maneuver, right?"

"Oh, ah, er... Um... Yes!" Wario finally found the correct word to answer the dinosaur's interrogation. "I had absolutely no ulterior motive to do that!" Lakilulu threw a spiny at his face and incapacitated him.

"The killer is Snifit! He always wears a mask and even admitted that it was his lighter!" declared the dumb broad, thrusting her finger toward the junkie. He was too busy smoking weed to celebrate his reunion with his lighter to care.

"u a soules ginga wit no prof wutsoevar," Queen Bee refused her explanation. Flurrie winked at her friend, who made some barfing gestures in return, and finished her explanation.

"However, the killer actually revealed themselves to us!" she yelled, savoring the adrenaline of the moment.

"Oh, they did?" Rosalina asked in wonder.

"You're a dumb blonde," Yoshi could not help but say. "You had a whole conversation with the killer but you still can't tell us who it was. That's really imbecilic. I wish the killer had done you in and not Donkey Kong. He was at least tolerable."

"So... Who's the killer?" Peach wondered.

"It's Snifit, I tell you!" yelled Lakilulu. Not liking her tone, Peach slapped her.

"You have no class and no grace and you're a funny, as in stupid, race! Just like Tiny Kong!" the princess pulled at the Lakitu's hair, who shrieked in surprise. Tiny growled unhappily, and glared dagger at Yoshi when he laughed at her.

"This is Lanky's line, not mine! Honest!" The others were not convinced.

"Darlings? If I may just give you the identity of the killer?"

"do wat u want I alredi desided who wuz gilty n e way"

"Well then," Flurrie smiled, extending an accusative finger towards a certain player, "I indict you for the murders of Mario and Donkey Kong! You simply couldn't resist gloating, and that led to your demise. Earlier, Peach and I investigated the barn. While Boo stupidly said that the black traces we saw everywhere had been caused by the fire, Peach and I, the real brains of this operation..."

At this point, Boo was boiling in anger and trying his hardest not to commit a murder.

"...realized that it was black powder, some sort of make-up used to become black. Now, I don't claim to know what went through the criminal's mind as they touched up in the scene of the crime, however I do know for sure that someone had something to do with it. Isn't that right..."

Long pause.

…

…

…

…

Yoshi yawned sleepily.

…

…

…

…

Peach considered bursting into song.

…

…

…

…

Wario picked at his nose, bored.

…

…

…

…

…

Snifit took a puff.

…

…

…

…

…

"LAKILULU!" Flurrie shouted theatrically. "Didn't you say that you were busy making yourself pretty – which, by the way, is impossible for you – at the time of the crime? The only way for you to be seen as pretty would be to cover your face with something really opaque, so that no one would see you! Admit it, we found you out!"

"What?! No! It's obviously Snifit! He burned the barn and killed Mario who was trapped inside, and then pushed Donkey over the cliff!" Lakilulu defended herself.

"ye wel dats fin n dandi but I kinda desided u wer da kulprit at da beginin so its uzles 2 defand yosefl. witout farthar ado, I deklar dat bich, also none az lakilulu gilty," Queen Bee handed a fair verdict for the case of Mario and Donkey Kong.

"You'll never get me alive!" Lakilulu smirked, floating away from the group at a fast pace. But Queen Bee did not want the story to end like this.

"yo todsworm, u beta start da eksekusheun cuz dat floozi aint livin k?"

Immediately, several javelins pierced the air and seemed to lock onto Lakilulu. They flew right through her and punctured many of her organs, but she was still breathing, for some reason. Another sword cut one of her arms and she shrilled despairingly, still moving away from the group.

"Damn, the cunt is resilient," Wario could not help but gape in awe.

A Ninji appeared behind Lakilulu and threw three ninja stars. She avoided one but not the other two which respectfully sank into her arm and left eye. However, the Lakitu was still going strong, even after her assailant bashed her head with a hammer. She flipped him the bird.

"What the heck is that thing...?" the scared Ninji backed off, running away from the ugly sow. Reinforcement appeared moments later, driving tanks.

"FIRE!"

Lakilulu was atomized by the shells, but still managed to survive, even though she had lost one leg in the process and had scrapes all over her body from the debris that had been thrown everywhere after the attack.

"Anytime now," a bored Yoshi looked at his watch.

Just as Lakilulu thought she was safe and was going to escape the island on her cloud, a Fire Guy set her on fire and took away her cloud, making her tumble down a cliff, right onto a stalagmite.

"You'll pay for this!" Lakilulu swore to get a revenge as she was burning, impaled on a natural stake. Three minutes later, she was no more and everyone cheered.

"LET'S PARTY!" Snifit exclaimed enthusiastically.

"Before we party... Who's the real killer?" Boo inquired. "I won't do anything to you since we got rid of Lakilulu thanks to you, but I want to know."

Flurrie gasped. "You mean my conclusions were wrong?" Boo only glared at her in annoyance.

"Obviously! Lakilulu was with Queen Bee and I the whole time, she couldn't have done it! And there was no black powder, it was soot!" Boo responded.

"ye da mashmalows rite da kila kam 2 me n begd 4 mursy so I divided a plan 2 get reed uv lakitramp. from da begunin I new it wuznt her but ya I kuldnt kar les n I ddnt want my seksi hunk 2 di kuz da sexines lvl wud hav gon don witout dis sunuvabich. rite whorio?"

Wario grinned. "I'm sorry for killing Donkey Kong, but well, I received five coins to do the job, I just couldn't refuse! But I have no idea how Mario died. Oh well, who freaking cares? Let's party!"

"Booya!" Snifit high-fived Wario, while the seven other survivors decided to hold a feast in honor of the death of Lakilulu.

…

Back on stage, the whole room erupted into cheers. Lakilulu was dead, and the denizens of the Mushroom Kingdom knew that they finally could go outside with no fear of seeing her ugly and disproportionate body.

On Shroomtube, the video of her death already totaled 16,587,695 views, five minutes after its diffusion.

"Well then folks, I don't think I need to state what just happened, right? The witch is dead and only nine contenders remain! One of them will be victorious and earn the big prize of two hundred thousand coins, but who? Find out next, in the season finale of the Mushroom Coliseum!" Toadsworth waved to the audience, feeling at ease.

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><p>Nexh chapter will be the finale. It'll be available before the end of the month, I guarantee it ! I want to at least finish this story before returning to college.<p> 


	9. Shitstorm After the Calm

**Joker21** : I knew that Lakilulu's death would please many people, glad to see you were part of these people. :p The winner is revealed at this end of the chapter, thanks for the support !

**Rockin Bros** : Let's celebrate ! Toadsworth probably has more fireworks in stock ! The final installment of the games has finally arrived, you'll see who wins ! Thank you for the comment !

**Luigified531** : Thanks for your nice comment, I am very glad that you consider this one of your favorite stories ! I'm also glad to have kept Toadsworth as a major character in this, he definitely makes the story funnier in my opinion. ^^

**Kaiimi** : I loved that part as well ! Actually, whenever I think of Lakilulu and Lakilester, death ideas spring to mind ! XD Yeah, they're all dumb, except Boo lol. Thanks for the review !

* * *

><p>9 : <span>Shitstorm After the Calm<span>

After an excruciatingly long day of work, Toadsworth decided to retire to his quarters at around 3 P.M., his mind full of thoughts. While the Mushroom Coliseum was almost over, the adviser knew that it was only the beginning of a beautiful story between him and the numerous coins that flowed inside his flourishing bank account. It was definitely true: already the old man had devised a plan so that a sequel could be offered to the public. "How blessed I am to know how to use my brain to earn what I rightfully deserve!"

Toadsworth let himself fall onto his beautiful four-poster bed and closed his eyes. His mind wandered back to the day of the heist, and how flawless the plan he and his friends had concocted was. He also let out a chuckle, smiling to himself: Tayce was about to be arrested.

"Hmmm... Oh well, usually I am against working outside normal working hours, but I will make an exception, since it's not really about working and more about pleasing myself," Toadsworth waddled his way towards his desk.

"Let's see... If I remember correctly, I did not finish filing the warrant to conduct a search in Tayce T.'s bedroom," the princess' aide sat in his comfortable chair and looked at all the paperwork situated on his desk. "How peculiar," he frowned, unable to locate the official paper.

"Maybe...this pile?" he tried, placing it before him. "Donations for the orphanage? Ha! As if I would donate anything to these beasts. The orphanage is already supplied by our institution. Why, I would be ashamed to ask for more in their place!" Toadsworth shook his head, indubitably disappointed by the greed of the director of the establishment.

Dear Pingroleon,

Further to your demands of raising budget of your orphanage, we are delighted to announce you to FUCK OFF already you PIECE OF SHIT. You are nothing but an ingrate and should be absolutely ashamed to beg for more. Just send the children to work if you desperately need the money: our economy is in recession, you cannot expect the Kingdom to cater to your needs.

Yours faithfully,

Tayce T.

Satisfied with his reply, Toadsworth returned to his bed. He suddenly frowned, realizing that something was wrong with his bedroom: Tayce T.'s painting was located there.

"Oh no," he muttered anxiously, realizing he might have been victim of a frame-up. He opened his window and realized the police was arriving. Gulping, the old man took the painting and exited his room rapidly.

Outside, he tiptoed his way to the kitchen while concealing the frame, which was very hard considering the castle was already packed with policemen and that his destination was on the very first floor, but his hidden ability as a conniving mastermind allowed him to bypass all the obstacles. Once there, he assumed a deep voice. "Tayce, open up."

As soon as the door opened, he flung the painting inside and rushed back to his room, dusting his hands. "I knew it!" he exclaimed. "She's not as dumb as she seems. Hoho, we'll see just how mighty you are, Tayce!" he cackled evilly.

…

Princess Peach's advisor, the brown-capped Toadsworth, had been designing the sequel to the Mushroom Coliseum for at least one hour, when his attention was abruptly drawn to his bay window by a small noise.

"I certainly hope the stupid stork did not make another mistake, because I would really hate to have it shot down by hunters if it brought me yet another baby," he started threateningly, pausing just as he opened the window. "The painting? B-But... From where?"

Looking up, he saw a long rope dangling from the roof of the castle, but it seemed to be moving up. Toadsworth immediately darted for the painting and rushed to Tayce T.'s room. In his haste, he did not see a certain shadow siren with pink hair and shoved her roughly to the side, causing her to fall to the first floor.

"That was so rude!" Vivian sobbed, trying to move people with her innocent act. Unfortunately for her, no one cared.

Toadsworth looked behind his shoulder once he arrived at his destination, and picked Tayce T.'s lock, only to realize that the room was already open. Shrugging, he entered and put the painting on the bed. He yelped in surprise when he saw the bed moving.

"Huh?" Tayce T. awoke from her slumber, rubbing her eyes to get accustomed to the lights. "Oh! Hi Toadsworth, did you come to see how I was?"

"What? And why would I do that? Isn't it a custom practiced between friends?" questioned the old mushroom with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, yes...? Which is exactly why you came here, isn't that right, my friend?" Tayce tried to reassure herself. The adviser dodged the question deftly.

"Are you really Tayce? Because I thought you were on the roof moments before I arrived here, and last I checked you were not a superwoman. Why, you already have trouble being a normal woman, so even though I don't doubt you potentially have some redeeming qualities, teleportation is not one of them," Toadsworth eyed the old and wrinkled Toadette suspiciously.

"Thank you!" Tayce shouted joyfully, not quite understanding Toadsworth's stand on her character. "But what I think is that you might have encountered Zess T., a friend of mine who's supposed to help in the kitchen while I'm sick," explained the cook.

Toadsworth stroke his mustache in deep thought. "Would you mind taking this painting and saying it is this... Zesty woman who gave it to you? I would even take upon myself to invite you for dinner if you were to accept!" the cunning man made a risky move. "It would be a blind date, of course."

"Oh Toadsworh, I thought I would never see the day where you would be open to such pleasantries!" Tayce giggled, prompting the brown-spotted mushroom to make a face.

"Neither did I, and I was fine with it," muttered the old man before leaving the bedroom.

…

As Toadsworth rushed to the studio where the show was to be broadcast, he heard a commotion in the main hall of the castle. A wrinkled cook was fighting off the police with a butcher's knife. Worried for his own safety, Toadsworth tiptoed out of sight. Soon after that, he heard the distinct sound of someone getting stabbed in the ass, a common practice in the Mushroom Kingdom it seemed.

For the show, the princess' aide had decided to put humble clothes on. He was wearing his usual purple and yellow-trimmed vest, his spectacles, and was giving the illusion that he was a poor and weak old man by using his trusty cane as a support.

However, he was also wearing golden rings in which were embed amethysts, rubies, sapphires, emeralds, diamonds, and necessities of the sort, which offered a nice contrast with the rest of his clothes in his mind. A golden chain drooped from his neck, a capital 'T' hanging from the fashionable accessory, and he had also decided to put jewels on his teeth, so that the commoners would understand that he was one of them and had bad dentition. Since most of them had never seen gold before in their life, they would never know they were duped by the cunning individual.

Entering the scene, the crowd erupted in cheers and hollers, exceptionally happy to have paid an entry fee of five hundred coins to see a shitty show. And that was only the entry fee, because they also had to rent chairs, two hundred coins per chair and per hour, and also have to give up on their savings if they wanted popcorn and other delicacies, five coins per gram. However, no one bothered to complain: whether it was genuine imbecility or excitement for the finale of the show, the world would never know, even though it clearly tended to support the first hypothesis.

"Weeeeeeelcome ladies and gentlemen to the finale of the Mushroom Coliseum!" Toadsworth raised his hands in the air, much like a certain airhead princess. A spotlight fell from above and squashed a poor Goomba who was kicked to the side and left for dead. "Well, look at that! It seems our good princess cursed this gesture!" chuckled the old man. No one shed a tear for the Goomba, not even his wife who would receive money from the insurance.

"Only nine contestants remain, and by the end of tonight, only one of them will be left standing!" pursued the host, pointing at the camera with his cane and breaking its screen. "So, before we begin... I must ask our Very Insignificant Peons: who is your favorite to win it all?"

Kaiimi glared at Toadsworth and slid her slender finger along her throat, while Toadsworth retaliated with a carefully aimed flip of the bird. The Toadette fumed but could not bring Toadsworth to court for he had damaged the front camera, so she replied simply. "I'm cheering for Queen Bee, she's my favorite idol ever since I saw her performing live on one of the tracks of Mario Kart Seven. She was so daring, strutting nude in Rosalina's Ice World and singing 'cmon babe u kan dip ur ot sos in ma vajayjay n thangs wil b craycray'! Probably my favorite song from her!"

"Oh yes, I remember that! The princess told me that she had recruited a prostitute who had a nice singing voice during one of her races. I had caught onto the prostitute aspect of that fat bee, but I never realized it was her because of the second aspect of the description," recalled Toadsworth with a chuckle. Kaiimi chucked her soda can at him, which he deftly avoided, and cursed suddenly: she would have to spend another thirty coins on a new drink.

"What about you?" he inquired, looking at the Cobrat with pernicious eyes.

Sepron did not need to reflect long, and immediately shouted his answer. "Queen Bee! DUH! What's not to love about this succulent creature?"

Toadsworth smirked. "Well, if you asked me... Everything?"

The snake shrugged. "It's because you're an old fart and are stuck in your prehistoric world! Queen Bee really is popular, unlike you!"

Toadsworth's smirk faltered and he 'accidentally' jabbed Sepron in the gut with his cane. "Oh, absolutely sorry! I hope you are quite alright, I would _never_ forgive myself otherwise..." While Sepron was wheezing on the floor, the counselor turned to Admiral Bobbery.

"Well lad, I'll be darned if Queen Bee doesn't win this little competition! She has everything for herself: stamina, staying power, intelligence, beauty, strength, an acute mind, wisdom, self-awareness... Truly, she is a sight to behold!"

At this point, Toadsworth doubted he was awake. He pinched himself to make sure he was not dreaming. "Ow! I thought I had been captured by extraterrestrial lifeforms and brainwashed for a second, but it seems not to be the case. It matters not, you're probably all delusional anyway."

"Well, I never!" huffed the double.

And finally, it was Steven's time. "I'm totally rooting for Kooper!" he cheered excitedly.

The princess' aide raised an eyebrow in wonder. "Are you quite alright? There is no Kooper in the game. He killed himself while on The Mole!" smiled Toadsworth, as the disturbed Koopa began weeping like a five-year-old.

"Oh well... I guess I'm kinda for Toodles, she's pretty swag!" Steven chirped happily, switching mood in record time while the others cringed at the mention of a certain word. Toadsworth had to muster every ounce of his willpower not to smack the tattooed turtle in the face.

"She already passed away! Do you even follow what is going on in this game?" blurted out the old mushroom angrily, in a condescending tone.

"Waaaah!" Toadsworth's interlocutor wailed. "Why are you so mean to meeeeeee? Like, you're so not nice at all!"

Coughing, Toadsworth decided to escape while he still could. "Wel, your heard it from the Very Idiotic Personalities, they are in favor of Queen Bee! And now that we know who is the favorite, let us see what happened in the Coliseum!"

The giant screen behind Toadsworth came to life and displayed the remaining nine contestants doing various things, which prompted the audience to roar happily.

…

Gliding gracefully in her cerulean dress, the mother of the galaxies was going to wash her hair in a water area not polluted by Wario's nefarious farts, when she came across a disturbing sight. Gasping beautifully, the wonderful maiden approached the scene that had surprised her, scanning it with her pure orbs of vision.

"Oh my... Wasn't it the place where our dear friends took out their weaponry for the first time...?" she put a hand to her mouth as she bent down to investigate, managing not to wrinkle her clothes as she did so. The wind brushed past her well-kept hair which returned to its original place once the breeze ceased to manifest itself.

"But it is also a place of strong amusement: Lakilester died after threatening the security of our group, and we also had a nice party afterward. I will forever cherish the memories in my heart," Rosalina smiled, looking at the sky. "It is also during this event that Donkey Kong and I became...close."

While the princess of the cosmos tried to pass off as a Mary Sue, she felt a strange aura in the air, as her magical powers of swift and cute destructive possibilities picked up an anomaly near her surroundings. Guided by her mysterious powers, Rosalina followed the flux of disturbance and stopped near a dried pool of blood.

"Lakilester...is still alive?" she wondered aloud, realizing the body was not there anymore. "But I haven't been able to sense his douchiness ever since he was slain for his sins!"

The princess considered ever possibility and thought intently, trying not to frown so that she would delay the apparition of wrinkles on her pretty face.

"My life is so hard," she remarked after a moment. "Why do I need to have my powers restrained just because I am so great? It feels like I am but a character in a horrible fan fiction which author realized that I was too Mary Sue-ish so they decided to give me one unneeded setback which, in the grand scheme of things, would not change a thing and would probably be promptly forgotten after a chapter of two!"

As the poor individual wallowed in her own misery, she realized that something felt wrong. "All the weapons that were used that day are here...but it looks like the gun disappeared! I must inform everyone to watch their back at once!" declared the mystic beauty, walking back to the camp at a leisurely pace.

"You will do no such thing!" threatened a mysterious individual not garbed in robes at all, but in order to create an effect of false surprise, their identity will not be revealed.

"I beg your pardon, but why would I listen to you?"

"Because of...this!" Rosalina gasped dramatically, her eyes fixated on the gun that was in the hands of the malicious person. The princess tried to escape and ran as fast as she could in her dress, her speed being actually excruciatingly slow, in a straight line, allowing even a non-gun savvy individual to shoot her without any problem.

Rosalina fell after the shot, and even though she should have crashed in the mud, her powers flipped her body at the last second and she landed in a bed of roses. Pure doves flew above her head and created a rainbow while various animals began to sing to her glory. In the sky, fireworks displayed a yellow halo above a white cross. The doves returned to their abode soon after their apparition and bombarded Rosalina's killer with their faeces.

"Stop it you stupid birds!" screamed the assailant, running away from the bombings.

…

After an announcement made by Toadsworth, the eight survivors met near the clearing they had started their game at, some of them in better dispositions than others. Snifit was barely standing, almost completely incapacitated by the drugs that were in his body.

"Duuuuude... Oh man, I can see pretty staaaars in the skyyy..."

Boo frowned. "Geez, lay off the herbs, you stupid junkie!" Snifit looked at him with glassy eyes.

"No way maaaan! Herbs are tooootally tubular and they help me get through every single day of life! Plus, I have a green thumb, soooo yeah... I might as well make use of my abilities, you get it dawg?" Snifit justified himself with a vacant stare and a goofy grin.

"Sorry, I didn't know you were a depressed man," Boo apologized sincerely, not wanting to hurt Snifit's feelings. "Maybe you ought to see a psychologist? You know, to get rid of your problems and your addiction."

Snifit looked even more puzzled than usual. "Like, what do you mean dude?" Boo raised an eyebrow.

"You just said that drugs helped you get through every single day of life, so that means that you're depressed, right?"

"Oh! Totally not that, man! When I said this line, I was actually referring to my nagging mother!" Snifit chuckled. Boo hit his forehead in frustration.

"Some people can be sooo rude!" Peach pouted, her arms crossed.

"ye I no rite der a buncha bichz" Queen Bee testified in favor of the princess' feelings. She was particularly vehement when it came to politeness and absolutely abhorred louts.

"I know right? You just don't get killed at ten in the morning when normal people are still sleeping just to wake them up with your fireworks!" Peach was wound up.

"Oh no, whatever shall we do? Our poor princess' sleep was interrupted by someone who had the effrontery to get brutally and savagely killed by one of the participants! It truly is horrible!" Yoshi exclaimed sarcastically, like the ass he is.

"I daresay you are quite correct," Flurrie nodded strongly - she had also been inconvenienced by the murder that had occurred during the morning – not quite realizing the mockery behind Yoshi's tone. "Why would you even want to die in the morning? People cannot see your fireworks in the broad daylight!"

"So who died actually?" Tiny asked even though she already knew the response since they were eight instead of nine. Truth of the matter was, she wanted to hog all the attention to herself but was so boring she did not know how. She was knocked to the side by a strutting Wario.

"So what's this meeting about, eh?"

"It's probably about how Rosalina's bad-mannered!" Peach exclaimed. She was supported by an 'Indubitably!' from Flurrie as well as a 'fuk ye' from Queen Bee. Yoshi rolled his eyes but said nothing.

A hologram of Toadsworth appeared on the field. Wario charged at him because the old mushroom had denied him his daily junk food, but found himself traversing the image and fell to the ground disgracefully.

"Greetings, final eight!" Toadsworth smiled to the eight survivors. "Your numbers have dwindled, and now, only eight of you remain! First of all, let me congratulate you for all the money I made thanks to your help. Secondly, I wanted to tell you that until four of you are left standing, various obstacles will be thrown your way! Good luck, everyone!"

The hologram disappeared, and numerous growls were heard in the distance. Gulping, the eight survivors dashed away, hoping to survive...

…

The trio of fatsos, composed of Queen Bee, Wario and Flurrie, all ran away toward the same place and decided to unite their strength to overcome the many challenges that awaited them. They ran a good three meters before making a small pause, out of breath.

"Phew, that was a good work out!" Wario claimed jovially, sweat dripping from his forehead at around the same speed an iceman would melt a few feet above the sun.

"Indeed it was!" Flurrie remarked smartly. "My belly rumbles in excitement, it must be a sign that I lost one or two calories! Or perhaps I am simply hungry for some delicious food."

"but u 8 lik 30 min ago u fatas" Queen Bee pointed out an inconsistency in Flurrie's thought process.

"But I did not eat like I am used to. You have to understand, my dear, that I have not been able to consume greasy and fattening meals for a day, which is incredibly long by my standards!" Flurrie noted before saluting her friends. "I will hunt for dietetic food since I am unable to visit one of my Fatburger restaurant!"

As soon as Flurrie left, Queen Bee immediately put the charms on Wario. "ey wana sho me yor manhood im kravin 4 sum gud sex. I shuda askd 4 a 3sum wit da hunki ape but hes ded so ye, kinda l8t lol"

Wario had trouble understanding the rapper, she was way too poetic and subtle for him. He misinterpreted her words completely. "Sure, I wouldn't mind seeing your moves! Show them to me!"

"u kinky hog" winked the pop star, licking her lips in the process. "k ill sho u ma dense mov"

Queen Bee opted to turn one hundred eighty degrees so that Wario would have a nice view of her booty. The man was intrigued, right behind her, as she started to perform her trademark dance.

"i cam on a wrekin bal im such a depravd litl whor," she sang, twerking at the same time. "al i wantd waz 2 let u in but 4 sum rezon u wer liek I dunt wana get lost in dere bich o yeeeeeeeeee" Queen Bee accelerated her thrusts, motivated by her song. "i promisd 2 mak u go 2 da 7th sky n I wont Dny dat I wuz totes arozed til u refuzd n den I sed fuk of u a fukin prud n i wnt bak 2 fingerin ma sefl yyeeeeee yeeeee ooo aaaa ooo yeeeeee yeeeeeee aaaaa oooooo"

Once she was finished, Queen Bee grinned from ear to ear, remembering the hit her song was. "i rote it masefl I u wer wonderin" But she obtained absolutely no response. "i c ur 2 dazed 2 sey anythang"

And then, Queen Bee turned and realized that Wario was dead. "fuk we didnt even do it im so mad" Then she paused, her astute mind realizing that Wario had been stabbed numerous times and that she had blood at the tip of her stinger. He took her only ten minutes to understand the correlation between the two elements.

"o shit I ned 2 get out of her I dunt wana go bak 2 jail liek dis tim wen i kinda ran ova sum sivilans wen I wuz drunk" the responsible bee fled the scene.

…

Meanwhile, Flurrie faced a conundrum. The wonderful actress had overcome many obstacles during her life, such as rivals that suddenly disappeared from the face of earth, small favors and services she gave to directors of plays and films, which made her mouth her strongest muscle, not to mention the tomatoes she received at the end of almost every representation she was part of.

But _that_ was something else. There were two sacks of berries on a table, one of them was full of poisonous fruits while the other contained normal goods. "Oh my! If only I had the sufficient knowledge to resolve this ordeal of mine!"

Of course, Flurrie supposedly had this knowledge already since she had studied berries while the twenty two players trained before the beginning of the Mushroom Coliseum's Killings, but with her memory, similar to that of a goldfish, she was unable to recall that particular fact.

"I absolutely must plan my next move carefully, or it could have dire consequences on my health!" She ruminated a few thoughts in her head before nodding, pleased with her findings. "I could pass on this offer to be sure that I would not make a wrong choice, but it seems slightly stupid when I see all this delicious food right before me...

"Oh dear... I could also choose one sack or the other, but with no external sign to guide my choice... It would be unwise," declared the wind spirit, not realizing that one of the sacks was marked with a skull.

"Whatever shall I do?" Flurrie exclaimed dramatically, wiping her brow in desperation. Five minutes later, she made a grandiose discovery.

"EUREKA!" she shouted joyfully. "I have come up with a plan that will ensure that I make the right choice!"

After she said that, she opened both sacks and ate their contents. "Now I know for sure that I ate the right ones! It was a tough puzzle, but I have faced my fair share of difficulties throughout the years. It was nothing I could not triumph over! My brainpower saves me, once again!"

Minutes later, she was dead.

…

In another part of the island, Snifit was once again trying to sniff his shit. Not the literal one, but the verdant one. Hunched over a small fire he had created with two branches, to facilitate the ignition of his future joints, the red-clad individual sighed contently.

"Aaah... This is the life," he grinned, taking a puff. After finishing his whole cigarette, he passed out on the floor. At the same time, Peach and Boo burst out from the vegetation at the side of the clearing and panted heavily. The two had teamed up as well and were trying to evade two of their acquaintances who wanted to kill them: Pauline and Lady Bow.

Pauline resented the fact that she had not been invited by the princess to take part in this game, while Lady Bow wanted to murder Boo for leaving her injured in the Boo Mansion to have 'fun' with the rest of his friends.

Negotiations were impossible.

On the other side of the field, Yoshi and Tiny Kong also emerged from bushes. Because the host was not very original, they were also pursued by people, except they were random mobs. Yoshi was trying to escape the vigilance of a group of fangirls, while Tiny tried to get away from her haters.

Negotiations were also impossible there.

"What are you doing here?" Tiny asked the other two.

"I don't know...surviving?" Boo cast her an annoyed glare. Being a blonde, Peach misunderstood Boo's sarcasm.

"Of course we're trying to survive, silly Boo! Thank goodness I'm here otherwise you'd be so lost!" she patted him on the back, causing him to growl.

Yoshi shook his head. "This is stupid. We're the smartest ones here, why do we have to be accompanied by blond dumbasses?" he insulted the two girls even though Tiny was his ally and right besides him.

"Hey! I heard that!" she yelled at the top of her lungs, alerting the different factions of their location. "Whoops! This is all your fault, Yoshi!"

"You're the one who never knows when to shut-aaaaah! They're there!"

"Not her!" Peach whined, but started running as well. The foursome began running toward each other in an epic slow-motion montage, their enemies right on their tails. The mobs came from one way while the girls came from another, but since they had their targets they ignored the rest of the people gathered there.

Everyone managed to get away in time...

…

…

…

…

...except the poor passed out Snifit who had been trampled over by thousands of feet. Scientists still conduct tests to this day, to know whether he died because he was ran over or if he actually deceased from an overdose.

…

After Queen Bee had unfortunately killed Wario, she had erred in the luxurious vegetation aimlessly. She was humming one of her best hits to soothe her worried mind, but was cut short, literally and figuratively by a disk.

"who da fuk threw dat 2 me u beta step up or ima stab yo as so hard u gona die like a fuken lakiput" she roared like a tiger, showing off her claws.

"Who else, but the righteous queen of pop, the one and only Beeyonce!" a Vespiquen wearing a tight white leather dress appeared in her field of vision.

"fuk u bayons ur not even quen of ur on as" Queen Bee used her witty repartee to rattle Beeyonce's confident attitude.

"But once you are dead, I will take over the world and make all labels mine, thus rendering impossible for other artists to record their own music and making mine the only one available to the masses!" the Vespiquen chuckled evilly. "But first, I need to take you out of the picture."

"no1kurrs bout da otha artist dey ol suk liek u onli ma musik kounts. n I dunt think u kan beet me ya beetch"

Beeyonce paused for a second, contemplating Queen Bee's wise words. "Unfortunately for you, I can and will beat you. You will perish here and now! Have at you!" the Vespiquen took out her unsold CDs and started to throw them at Queen Bee who retaliated with her own leftovers.

But the battle was heavily in favor of Beeyonce who was in all actuality, a big flop. The bitch could not even make top fifty in the charts while Queen Bee was always at the top along with Toadney Spears. Thus she had less ammunition than her adversary and fell in the battle.

"fuk uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu" Queen Bee made sure that her last words would be remembered for posterity.

"What a pity. Another one slain by her own success... A tragedy, but it happens to almost everyone in the industry, so whatever."

…

Back on stage, the courageous Toadsworth was always prepared for every situation. As soon as the last scene of the battle between Queen Bee and Beeyonce was over, he took out a huge shield which covered his whole frame and placed it before him, successfully stopping the throws of the furious public.

"Settle down or else I will burn your houses and families!" Toadsworth blackmailed the audience. "Ah-hem," he cleared his throat and pushed the shield to the side. "It is regrettable that Queen Bee has lost the game, but we are not responsible for the actions of the players! Thankfully for you and me, we still have Yoshi in the final four, which means that his brainwashed overzealous fans, which make for ninety percents of our market shares, will keep on watching the show!"

"Yay! Go us!" cheered the president of Yoshi's fan club. The supporters rose from their seat and clapped, none of them understanding the insults behind Toadsworth's words.

"Anyways, I will now go to the Vile Irredeemable Poisons and ask them who they root for now that the final four has been revealed!"

Sepron nodded and raised a picture of Yoshi in the air. "I was for Queen Bee, but Yoshi would make a nice winner as well! The president of the fan club is also a very nice person! Please pay the one hundred coins needed to be part of his group!" he sweated profusely, as the Yoshi fans glared daggers at him. He may or may not have been threatened by a gun to his temple.

"Personally, I'm totally for Peach!" winked Steven at the camera. "I feel some kind of mutual understanding between the two of us for some reason!" Toadsworth gauged him with his intelligent eyes.

"Riiiight... It doesn't surprise me for some reason," laughed the mushroom.

"As for me, my good friend, I am really supporting princess Peach one hundred percent! Our ruler does need it, and I certainly do not have ulterior motives for asking people to get behind the Peach wagon! Not at all!" Admiral Bobbery shifted his eyes suspiciously. "Boo is also someone I would not mind winning."

"I guess you expect me to support Tiny, huh?" Kaiimi crossed her arms. "Well, too bad! I want her to die and suffer horribly! No one likes her, she sucks and she killed her own sister! Can you believe it?"

"Yes I can! One of my favorite moments of the show!" grinned the host. "Thank you for your wonderful opinions! It is time for...the final showdown!"

…

"Sooo... Why did they give us a weapon each?" Peach wondered. She had yet to assimilate the finer details of the Mushroom Coliseum. Boo was boiling, next to her.

"THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF THE GAME IS TO KILL EACH OTHER SO THEY GAVE US WEAPONS TO PREPARE A MEAL!" he screamed, enraged.

"Aaaaah! Okay!" Peach smiled. "Wait, what kind of meal do we have to prepare? I can only make mistakes!"

"Please have mercy on my poor soul!" Boo sniffled, at wit's end.

The duo made its way to the final area of the game, where Tiny and Yoshi were already awaiting them. At this point, it was clear in everybody's mind that the two of them were in an alliance, except for Peach obviously.

"Well, I guess this is it," Yoshi yawned, bored. He did not even bother to take out his sword. Boo already had his out, and Peach's katana was in her hand, while Tiny used hers as a support. "Let's get this over with so I can win."

"What about me?" Tiny complained. "I want my share of the money!" Yoshi rolled his eyes.

"Suuure, I'll give you one thousand coins if I win, it should be enough for a lifetime for you since you live in a shack with your baboon friends," snickered the green dinosaur.

"You live on an island full of uncivilized people, so you really shouldn't talk!" Tiny bit back, causing Yoshi to frown.

"So!" Peach addressed the other two. "What meal do you think we should cook to win this game?"

"LOOK BEHIND YOU!" screeched Tiny Kong, smirking.

"Oh f-"

But Boo did not have the time to finish his sentence. When Peach turned abruptly, she had her weapon in hand and it cut through the ghost, killing him instantly. However, the princess did not stop there: Boo's body opposed a resistance which made Peach lose her balance. As she tumbled on the floor, her katana flew in the air and fell back onto her frame, killing her as well.

Yoshi looked dumbfounded. "Wow... Just wow... I have never seen such idiocy in my life before. Oh well, easy win for me! Now you just have to kill yourself to let me win, Tiny."

Pouting, the monkey looked at the floor. "Fine, but there's something I must give you before!"

"As you wish!" Yoshi closed his eyes for a second.

"It's...THIS!"

**BANG GUNSHOT BANG GUNSHOT BANG GUNSHOT**

Yoshi fell to the floor, riddled with bullets. "Bitch, you really thought I'd let you win?" Tiny spat on his body, before dancing the cancan. "I won!"

Tiny Kong was unfortunately the winner of the Mushroom Coliseum.

…

The crowd was in an uproar, since it was mostly composed of Yoshi fans. Even the V. were upset by the way the game had ended. Toadsworth backed away toward the screen, holding his shield close to his body and jumped in a green warp pipe.

…

Toadsworth cleared his throat suddenly, trying to catch Tiny Kong's attention. The monkey stopped celebrating in front of the camera, and ran towards the host, awaiting the praise.

"Tiny, congratulations! You won two hundred thousand coins for yourself!" clapped the counselor, even though he was clearly disgusted by this turn of events. He opened a suitcase full of coins. "You won this...HOWEVER!"

"What?"

"Well, you have a choice to make. Remember how I said that your friends would come back to life at the beginning of the game? The truth is...with the Kingdom in recession, we can't afford to waste money, you see? If you return home with the two hundred thousand coins and we need to feed life shrooms to the rest of the losers, we will lose tons of money!" lied the old man through his teeth.

"Oh. What does that mean, though?"

"Well... I will give you a choice. Either you choose the money or you decide to bring your friends back to life!" grinned Toadsworth.

"I see... Well, when you present it that way, it's not like I have much of a choice, is it?" she smiled sadly.

"Mmmh... Indeed, I suppose."

"Well then... I'll obviously pick the money, duh!" Tiny smirked, taking the suitcase full of coins. "I mean, I can always make new friends and adopt another family, but I'll never have the opportunity to win two hundred thousand coins another time in my life!"

"Wow, what a bitch!" Toadsworth could not help but say.

"I try my best!" Tiny took it as a compliment.

"Pardon my crude words, you have made your choice! A helicopter will escort you to the location of your desires! Farewell, Tiny Kong!" he bade goodbye to the contestant just as a helicopter landed a few meters away from them. The simian figure nodded excitedly and embarked aboard the flying device, ready for new adventures.

…

When Toadsworth returned to the the stage in front of the audience, he found them rioting and chucking soda cans everywhere. The Yoshi fan club was absolutely livid and its members infuriated by the fact that Yoshi was dead forever. Snifit's mother was rolling on the floor crying while a few people were actually laughing happily because they had realized that it meant that Lakilulu and Lakilester were dead forever.

"Friends!" Toadsworth hollered, successfully stopping a massacre from occurring. "What is the meaning of this display of violence? You should be ashamed of yourself for doubting me! Did you really think that I would leave these people dead? Unfathomable! I need them for my many other schemes to come! Let's bring them back!"

One by one, Lakilester, Luigi, Daisy, Waluigi, Goombario, Wendy, Birdo, Toodles, Dixie, Toad, Donkey Kong, Mario, Lakilulu, Rosalina, Wario, Flurrie, Snifit, Queen Bee, Boo, Peach and Yoshi came onto the stage. While the public clapped, some of them started getting in each other's face.

"Fuck you guys, FUCK YOU!" Lakilester raged. "You're a bunch of losers, you killed me first!" Donkey punched him in the face.

"Have mercy please!" Luigi pleaded, kissing Daisy's feet in an attempt to gain her forgiveness. Daisy kicked him in the face and walked toward Waluigi to give him a piece of her mind.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!" she grabbed him by the collar, but the lanky man pushed her to the ground.

"Get off me you dirty tramp!"

"Waluigi, do you know the meaning of the word 'mirror'? I suppose you do not know it as much as you know what a toilet boil is, since you must have puked in one of them all your life to keep your reputation as an anorexic twig intact! You know Waluigi, some people believe that you have to be skinny to be pretty, and while I am fairly sure you are not a fifteen year old schoolgirl, you probably have an uncanny resemblance to them! Also, while I am on the subject of your silhouette: having a skinny body does not make one pretty. You're the living proof of this-" Waluigi knocked out the Goomba and stomped on him.

Wendy and Toodles were too busy fighting each other to make any comment. Surprisingly, Dixie was not with them: Toadsworth wanted a specific drink and had her fetch it for him.

Rosalina and Donkey Kong had almost managed to kiss each other, but Queen Bee pushed the princess away and started making suggestive poses to charm the ape. "i want ur hung bode n warios"

"I'm not sure I understood-" Wario had not time to finish his sentence, Birdo had punched him the face and kicked him in the belly after Daisy had told her what had transpired on the training grounds. Once finished, she made a beeline for Snifit and tried to tackle him, but was roughly shoved to the side by Toad who charged at Rosalina in anger. Wario and Donkey Kong also began fighting when the muscular one remembered that the fatso had killed him for absolutely no reason. The fight stopped when Wario let out a loud fart which was amplified by Snifit's lighter. Snifit's mother wailed even harder because she thought her son had a boo boo.

"Mariohohoho!" laughed the hero merrily. "Look at that! So many connections were built throughout our adventure!"

"I know! That's so cool!" Peach smiled at him, before her hair was pulled by a furious Boo who decided to give her a piece of his mind.

"YOU KILLED ME YOU MORON!" Boo yelled, headbutting the pink-clad woman.

"Oh my! This is so wonderful!" Flurrie chuckled to herself, happy to be back with the others. "Everyone is getting along so well!" the stupid woman made a critical mistake in her statement. Turning to Yoshi, she interrogated him. "Darling, wherever in the world is Tiny Kong?"

"I have no idea... But trust me, when I find out..." Yoshi trailed off, smiling innocently at the wind spirit. However, when she stopped paying him attention, a dark aura surrounded his body and he cackled maniacally.

"PLAYERS!" Toadsworth silenced them after a while. "Don't you want to know what happened to Tiny Kong?"

"Not really," answered several people at once. Toadsworth gritted his teeth angrily.

"Well, just so you know! Tiny Kong had the choice to bring you back to life or to choose the two hundred thousand coins!"

"Maybe she isn't so bad after all," Yoshi put forward doubtfully.

"She chose the money over your lives!" the host dashed away the hopes of the revived contestants.

"wat a bich"

"I stand corrected!" Yoshi frowned, very upset. "This lowlife shall face the wrath of the King of Overratedness!"

"Which leads me to my next point! Obviously, you must all be very disappointed in Tiny since she was absolutely horrible to you, so I have an offer to make to some of you! Would you like to get your revenge?"

"Hell yeah!" shouted almost everyone.

"Then, partake in my next game show! 'Hunter's Moon: Monkey Edition'!" Toadsworth grinned to himself, knowing that he could make tons of profits thanks to the gullibility of the players. Princess Peach's counselor rubbed his hands together, already forming his next scheme for money and glory in his head.

…

"Last stop, all change!" yelled the conductor of the Perplex Express, slowing down the train headed to Sunshine Bay, a luxurious resort where the sun was always present. It was a place for the elite and the rich, the less wealthy could not afford even a day in the region.

A blonde-pigtailed monkey stepped off onto the paved terrain carefully, wearing a headband and shades to protect herself from the glaring sun. Tiny Kong rolled her suitcase behind her and walked down an inclined path going straight to Sunshine Harbour. Sunshine Airport was also near the other two buildings, which simplified the life of the travelers.

"I deserve the best," smiled the individual. "I mean, I've put up with the worst cast of morons ever, I made an alliance with a true douchebag and things were just...plain bad overall. At least I can have a little distraction here. It's just too bad I forgot to ask Toadsworth to revive my slave of a sister against monetary compensation..."

She walked in direction of the blue and pristine waters and felt reinvigorated by the breeze . Tiny Kong fastened her pace once she saw her new yacht, excited to make use of it. She dashed for it and jumped aboard, suitcase in hand. The monkey ran her hand over the white painting of her boat and immediately drove to a private island for rich people like her.

Later that day, Tiny was relaxing on a sun lounger, on the deck of the boat of one of her new acquaintances. "I'm so glad to have met you, Prisma Krystal Vermillon Bourgeoise!" It was the name of her new friend, which was definitely not formed by a string of stupid words to make it sound exotic.

"Likewise. There's a rustic charm about you! Oh, but I should go back to my husband, I'll see you later! If you want a drink, just go ask my waiter!" the pointless character waved goodbye.

"The people here are so much better than the bumpkins I knew back in the Mushroom Kingdom," she dissed her old friends. "Waiter, I want a Margarita!" she called when she saw him pass.

"Right away madam!" A few minutes later, someone returned with her glass and threw it on her.

"HEY! WHAT THE-" Tiny removed her shades and cursed inwardly and outwardly. "Oh fuck! I'm out of here!" she kicked at the waiter, grabbed her suitcase and ran for her life.

"GO GET HER!" bellowed the waiter who was none other than Yoshi.

"I'm on it!" Lakilulu nodded, dashing towards the other girl. "Get back here you bitch!"

"Who the hell let her come with us?" frowned Waluigi. "Seriously, just hearing her voice makes me want to hurl!"

"Who cares?! Let's a go!" Mario launched a general attack on the monkey who ran for her life. Daisy jumped from a window and almost tackled the monkey girl, but Tiny Kong whacked her with her suitcase and made her fall into the water.

Tiny made a mad dash for the footbridge, but Luigi and Donkey Kong were there. Thankfully, Luigi was busy playing with Donkey's nonexistent nipple again, so Tiny was able to push him onto Donkey and make them fall from the boat too.

Rosalina was waiting at the end of the footbridge, with Wendy and Toodles, but the two rivals had started fighting thirty seconds ago when the old Toadette had called Wendy's jewelry gaudy. Rosalina was a pacifist and could not bring herself to engage in a battle with the monkey.

The last rampart that prevented Tiny from escaping took the form of a blonde princess and a white ethereal being. The smart Boo knew that the monkey had bought a boat, so he simply awaited her inside.

However, he had made a critical mistake and had handled the localization of Tiny's boat to his teammate.

"Are you sure this is the correct boat?" Boo questioned inquisitively.

"Yes, I verified with a nice man and this is the boat numbered 9669WIO5!" smiled the princess happily. Boo arched an eyebrow worriedly. It took him thirty seconds to figure out where he went wrong.

"Peach you IDIOT! It was boat SOIM6996! You looked at the sheet of paper I gave you upside-down!" he raged, very unnerved. "ABORT THE PLAN! ABORT!" he shouted into his walkie-talkie as his ragtag team of losers tried to hurry to the boat. Some of them managed to reach him, but others had to hang to lifesavers for dear life.

"Here we go dudes and dudettes!" Snifit grinned, making a fire just when Boo started the engine.

"YOU MORON!" Boo kicked the red-garbed individual in the face. "PUT OUT THE FIRE! PUT IT OUT! AAAAAAAAAAH!" he panicked, quickly followed by the rest of the passengers who screamed with all their might.

Thus began the epic chase of Tiny Kong.

* * *

><p><em>There you have it, the end of this epic tale of idiocy !<em>

_Not everything is resolved, in case I wanna make a sequel with Toadsworth as a host as well, so that's why you don't know how the date will go, as well as what happened to a few select players of the game._

_It was a pleasure making this story, and I apologize for the long wait I put you though, but I want to let you know that I only regained access to the Internet on Tuesday, which is also the day when I finished writing this chapter (I needed to proofread it though, which is why you only get it today)._

_With that project out of the way, I will focus more on the Mole from now on._

_Thanks to everyone who read, and especially those who reviewed ! Sometimes I feel a pang of sadness in my heart when I compare the reviews to the views, lawlz. *shot* In any case, I should become more active on the website again now that some issues are resolved. Although with College starting again, I might have a busy schedule._

**Until next time !**


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